Daughter Is Moving On

My daughter and her friend found an apartment today that they're moving in to next month.  It's in the town an hour away where her fiance' lives.  I completely support her doing it - but I sure will miss her.  I will truly be alone in this house then.  The way things are now, she's gone a lot, the days she is here she works 3-11 so I don't see her much anyway - but I DO see her and I know she's going to be coming home.


But - I think this will be better for me next year after the wedding.  It would have been a double whammy of after wedding blues if not only was she married and the whirlwind of the wedding over, but I was also having to get used to living alone.  She lived away from home for two years right after high school, but of course Ex was still here then.  And that was also when I had cancer, so I really didn't have time or energy to focus on her being gone!


I go to her future home town quite often and for now at least, she'll still be working 20 miles away, so I'm sure I'll see her plenty and thank the good Lord for cell phones!  (Brain cancer, shmain shmancer)  The really good thing about it is her DAMN DOG will go with her.  I love that dog and hate it at the same time.  As it is, I'm having painters come for probably the next three weeks and the dog is going to have to go live with Ex.  She is SOOOO aggressive with strangers - I've just worried to death about her biting someone.  She's so sweet with us - but she is a very spoiled dog who doesn't mind me at all - and it's been quite embarrassing.  Ex lives out in the middle of nowhere so she should do well out there.


I'm going to go stay at my parents for a few days next week while my bedroom is being painted.  That will certainly cure me of any need to live with someone!!  I love them very much and they're great - but once you get used to living away - it is very hard to go back!  Especially with my very strong willed father - who when he goes to bed, thinks everyone in the house should go to bed.  Although since he's lost a lot of his hearing, that's not as bad as it used to be!


So, I'll watch my daughter as she gets together stuff to move and I'll share her excitement for her.  Then we'll see what the next chapter will bring.

Spring Cleaning & Divorce

After months and months of procrastination - I'm cleaning out closets, drawers, clutter catcher corners... and it's been pretty thought provoking.  I'm getting the inside of the house painted and new carpet - so I've been forced to get off my ass and clear stuff out to get ready for that.  And it's made me realize that I wasn't quite so over things as I thought... but it is helping me get there.

Our My master bath has double closets - his & hers.  My stuffed to the gills closet has all my winter stuff, coats, "vacation" gear etc.  Until today, I hadn't moved one single thing into his empty closet.  I'm sure there's all sorts of psychological truths in that!  He's been gone since November 12th - over six months.  I can certainly put some of that off on pure laziness - but when the weather got warm - why didn't I start putting just washed clothes into that closet?  I think it's just the finality of it - I have a his and hers closet and no "his".  

And what do you do with old pictures of you and your ex?  What do you do with the cute framed picture of you and your bridesmaids wearing funny glasses at your wedding reception?  He's not it in - but it's your freaking wedding reception!  What do you do with the framed family pictures?  We WERE a family, we still have a beautiful daughter together - but I really don't want those sitting around on display anymore.  What about the big group photos with my brother and his family and my parents?  The snapshots of his family?  The sweet birthday cards and notes from when I had cancer?  They were real, they meant something - but what do you do with them now?  I've realized while going through this that I still have a very funny "card" he gave me for Valentines under my plastic desk protector at work where he cut out pictures from the funny papers and put his own captions in.  It was so creative - it was so the best of Ex.  How can I toss that away now?  I guess I should at least get rid of it there - but where do you put that stuff?  

I finally decided to keep the group photos - but in the living room - and give the 3 person family pictures to daughter.  I found a picture of just the two of us taken as we got off the boat on the cruise we went on for his 50th birthday and threw it away.  Who wants it?  It was the last New Year's we were together - a New Years that I later found out when we were docked in Key West he was texting a "friend" who was a woman- and telling me he was texting his buddy.  I don't believe he ever cheated on me physically - but he did mentally.  

I've thrown out three bags full of trash in just my bedroom and bathroom and have so far got two bags full of clothes.  I look through my clothes and just shake my head at some of them.  In just the last six months, my style has changed so much.  I have things in there I bought last October that I wouldn't be caught dead in now.  Old lady clothes - fat, matronly, do-not-think-of-me-as-an-object-of-desire clothes.  Happily, some of this is because I've lost weight (which has started falling off FINALLY!)  But I look at so many things and remember how I hated the same old plain blue polo shirts ex ALWAYS wore - and think - how much of my same dowdy looking clothes did he hate?  I, of course, told him I was sick of them - he, of course, never said a word....typical of our whole marriage.

But as I go through this stuff and make decisions - I'm also putting things away in fresh, new containers.  I've got cute organizer trays and clear boxes and am making the closet worthy of a before and after makeover.  I'm getting together the stuff to completely redecorate my bedroom once the new carpet is in and the painting is done.  I'm decorating it exactly the way I want it.  Ex never had any opinions on that - but so many of my decorating decisions were based on keeping something clean and not on what I truly WANTED.  It makes me very happy and I feel calm.  It makes me feel like I really am moving on.

No plans

I've got a very good friend, she's been one of my closest for years now - that bores me to tears lately.  What's up with that?  I can't decide if she's changed, if I've changed, if we've both changed???  She calls and I just cringe because I know she's going to talk about the same damn thing she talked about last time - which is all the stuff a friend of her has left in her home that she and her ex abandoned!  Obviously the woman is depressed and doesn't want to deal with it - but my friend went over there with her and gave her a check for a bunch of stuff that the girl didn't want anymore - mainly doesn't want to deal with - that yes, it's good stuff - but give it a rest.  She keeps calling her, "I just found this in this box - you don't want this?"  "Don't you want to E-bay this?"  Blah, blah - NO she doesn't.  She's told you 20 times now and if you feel guilty taking it - don't take it!!  Otherwise, take it and shut up about it.  Badgering a depressed person about that shit isn't going to change a thing.  And telling me over and over and OVER about it isn't going to change it either.  UGH!


I'm dying to go do something fun this weekend.  Have Monday off and absolutely no plan - except of course boring friend invited me to come to the city and hang out at her place and stitch - and as desperately as I want to do something - I don't want to do that!!  If I stay home, I've GOT to start de-cluttering and getting the house ready for the carpet guy and the painter - DOUBLE UGH!  LOL!


What I really want to do - is take of to Disney World.  Seriously - I love Disney World and we used to go at least once a year if only for a day or two.  It's been almost 3 years since I've been - I'm Jonesing!  This is the part that sucks about being divorced and not having a relationship - finding people to do stuff with you.  Although I actually think I could have a pretty good time at Disney alone - or it could totally suck and remind me of all the wonderful trips we had as a family.


One thing I don't miss - this weekend is the Semi-Annual "ex's surname fest" where his whole family - most of whom are crazier than he is - at least he knows he's crazy are getting together in our hometown.  I'm so glad not to have to go to that!!! But I must admit that it has left a hole.  I've done that for so many years now - that Memorial Day just kind of snuck up on me before I realized I had no plans.  Daughter is working and I really don't want to be at home cleaning out closets and drawers by myself all weekend.

Reconstruction

Today I'm blogging about after the Civil War....


Haha - aren't I just cracking myself up?  No, I went Wednesday to consult with a Oncology Plastic Surgeon about finally doing reconstruction.  When I was diagnosed and treated almost seven years ago, I was told I had to wait at least two years after I finished radiation before I could have reconstruction.  Because of the kind of cancer I had - Inflammatory Breast Cancer - they don't want you to do anything that could hide any recurrence, especially in the skin.  So that would have been March, 2007 before I could do anything.  When the time came, my best friend, who had had breast cancer about the same time I did, had just spent the last 2 years having a NIGHTMARE of a time with her reconstruction.  It totally freaked me out and ex and I decided that I didn't need to do it.


 He was so supportive, "it doesn't matter to me, I'm just glad you're alive. Whatever you want to do, it is major surgery....blah, blah, lie, lie"  So as I've talked about before - he then tells me years later, "um - sorry, it did matter to me."  So I had started thinking about doing this even before we decided to divorce.  As much as anything, I'm sick of having to buy only certain kinds of tops that I can wear this huge, big strapped bra with that holds my prostheses.  I'm tired of being self conscious about it.  And now that I'm divorced - I'm SUPER self conscious about it and I know it had a HUGE part in me turning down Convention guy.  


So anyway - I am super excited about this.  I loved the doctor - he's partners with the guy that did my original surgery and he's the head of plastic surgery at the very prestigious hospital where I went.  I'm going to have what is called DIEP flap surgery - which is SOOO much better than what I would have done if I'd had it back when I first could have.  So once again - Yeah, God and his timing!  Basically, he gives me a tummy tuck (awesome!!!) by taking the fat and blood vessels from my lower belly and using that to make new breasts.  It's micro surgery because he will connect the blood vessels from there to the blood vessels in my chest wall.  I'll then have 2 more out-patient surgeries - one to "tweak" them and one to make a nipple.


It's an 8 hour surgery - Yikes - and will take 6 to 8 weeks to recuperate from - Double Yikes! so I'm nervous about that.  What's funny is this is much more major surgery than my mastectomies were.  The good thing is that this does not take muscle like the TRAM flap surgery that is what I would have had before so it's not as bad as that would have been.  I can't have simple implants because of having radiation.


But - he wants me to lose another 25 pounds.  I'm supposed to go back and see him in August and we'll see where we are from there.  He, like everyone else I've talked to, was very surprised about my polyps!  He agrees that they need to come out. 


So now I'm super motivated to lose weight.  On his scaled, I've lost 15 pounds from my doc's scales in January.  The pants I wore yesterday, that were part of my "fuck soon-to-be-ex" shopping spree last November were practically falling off of me.  So I'm going to start kicking it up at the gym and I'm cutting out all white foods.  My gyno and the doc that did the colonoscopy gave me pretty similar diets - although the gyno says double fiber wheat bread is okay and colon doc said no to bread.  I think I'm going to go with gyno on this - for one thing, it's so much easier to eat a sandwich at lunch then to figure something out without bread.  But also because she has pretty much followed her own diet since last October and lost a ton of weight.   


Now, I just need to figure out the timing!  I really wanted to go ahead and do this in the fall - but the damn polyps are going to use up my Flexible Spending money and so I'd have to come up with a HUGE co-pay out of pocket.  But if I wait until January - I'm afraid I'll be cutting it too close to daughter's wedding to be able to enjoy it!  


Oh, well, I'll think about that tomorrow at Tara.

Gotta' Love Hot Young Men!

Ahh - back from an awesome beach trip.  After a beautiful day on the beach Saturday, we started the party at sunset and didn't come home until sunrise!  The night was like some sort of movie - moving from one crazy scene to the next - but nothing bad like they usually have in the movies!  No one woke up with a tattoo on their face or a broken tooth or a naked Chinese man in the trunk!  Too much to even detail here - but...


The overall theme of the night - was HOT * YOUNG * MEN!  We didn't buy a drink all night long.  Every place we met there were cute, fun guys dancing with us, flirting with us and buying us drinks.  And I'm talking about women the youngest of whom was 36 - the oldest was me @ 50.  Where were these guys back when I was a hot, young women?  Were they out chasing old ladies like me back then?  None of them were over the top drunk, none of them were pushy or inappropriate - and they took no for an answer without turning into dicks when they wanted us to come back to their rooms with them!  


What is apparent to me now - at 50 - is that they were basically looking for the same thing we were - to have a good time with no commitments, no pressure, no girl who thinks she's found the love of her life in one night. I've got to give it to these young men - they're smarter than we are at how to have a good time without breaking their hearts or ours.  


Once again - I have a crazy week and will probably not post again until Friday at the soonest.  I go tomorrow to see the plastic surgeon about my reconstruction.  But I'm more than likely putting it off until January now that I have to go get all those damn polyps removed.  Then a meeting all day out of town.  So good night blogging world for now.

Colonoscopy - written May 12th

Okay - today I had my first colonoscopy.  Partly because I'm 50 but also because I've been having recurring diarrhea problems.  The colonoscopy was a piece of cake - the prep - OMG - IT SUCKED.  Won't go into ALL the disgusting details - but after sitting on the toilet from pretty much 6:30pm to 2:30am  with a short break in between drinking the crap I had to drink - I was peeing lemonade out of my ass.  Literally.  And I now know where the expression "that really chaps my ass" comes from - because my ass was CHAPPED.

But anyway - had it done - no polyps, everything looked good and life is wonderful, right? 

WRONG!

 I ALSO had an endoscopy.  That's where they go down your mouth into your stomach.  I've had acid reflux for a while and they thought they ought to take a look.  I really thought it was overkill when they said they wanted to do it - but I have a freaking $500 co-pay for an outpatient procedure - so might as well get more bang for the buck, right?

I had over 300 polyps in my stomach!  THREE HUNDRED!  My doc - who has his own endoscopy center and does this stuff ALL DAY LONG and is at least my age if not older - said he'd NEVER seen that many, EVER.  That it was a record for him at least.  He removed 79 today - but was afraid to remove anymore because he'd remove one and two more would come with it and start bleeding.  So I have to go back in 2 months and will probably have to go back at least one other time besides that.  

The good news is that he doesn't think they are cancerous or even pre-cancerous - YET.  But they have to come out before they turn cancerous or start bleeding (some of which were) and I have a freaking hemorrhage.   He's sent them off to be biopsied and I'll know for sure next week.

WHY AM I SUCH A FREAK?  WHY DOES THIS WEIRD SHIT HAPPEN TO ME?  I didn't just get breast cancer - I got Inflammatory Breast Cancer - which I'd never even heard of before I got it.  I don't just have a polyp - I have 300 POLYPS!!  I didn't even know you got polyps in your stomach - and apparently the most anyone I know has ever heard of was 10 - 12.  I'm probably going to be in the New England Journal of Medicine!  Or the Ringling Brothers Freak Show.

UGHHHH  - I know I'm being dramatic - but DAMN!  I am tired - no sleep last night then had to be out of the house by 7:30 a.m. to be there in time and then THIS?

Plus - had a hiatal hernia - which is probably what caused the reflux.  He said that he's seen polyps form because of acid reflux medicine before - but nothing like this.  I was so dazed I didn't even ask if I should have the hernia fixed, quit taking the medicine, how long have they been there???? They're supposed to call tomorrow morning and check on me so I'll ask all that then.

Anyway - I'm going to the beach tomorrow come hell or 300 polyps.  I can't drink tomorrow - but they said I'd be fine for Saturday.  I can't drive all the way to PC tomorrow - but my friend is going to drive the car.  I'm going and I'm going to have a blast and to hell with the damn polyps or the damn biopsy.

Busy Week!

Probably not too much posting this week - I'm going to the beach again!! YEAH!!  But having a colonoscopy and endoscopy Thursday.  Worked until 7:30 tonight to get stuff done before I go (and go and go and go) But not sure how much I'll be able to do tomorrow and know I'll be out of it Thursday and gone Friday, Saturday and Sunday!  


Called and reserved the place for daughter's wedding today.  I've been very excited about her engagement and so happy for her - reserving the place made it real though.  Real that my daughter won't be living with me again.  I've been lucky to have her so close for so long - and she'll only be moving 50 minutes away.  But future son-in-law is in TV - and I doubt if she'll be that close forever.  Daughter and I have always been very close - even when she was a kid - but I'd say she's my closest friend in the world.  I can talk to her about just about anything - the only things I didn't talk to her about were things about her Dad and some of the things he's said that hurt me so badly.  


But that's what's supposed to happen, isn't it?  Your chickees grow up and start their own life.  Thank God for cell phones and unlimited calling plans!  At least we can talk everyday no matter where she ends up.


This beach trip is the big "girls" trip with 10 of us going!  TEN!  There's already been stupid drama today but it got settled before it ruined the trip.  It doesn't matter how old you get - there are always little pot-stirrers, drama queens, jealous brats etc!  I just tried to stay out of it and let it settle itself!

A Happy Mother's Day

I've had a lovely Mother's Day - really one of the best.  And it started with my ex putting a card in the mailbox yesterday.  I went shopping with my mother yesterday and bought myself some new tennis shoes - have I mentioned that my tennis shoes have been missing for a month now?  That I have NO CLUE where they could be?  I put them on at work, go to gym and take them off at home.  No where else.  So I've been using these tennis shoe "like" walking shoes I got last year for my trip to London.  They are supportive and lightweight - but ugly as sin!  Anyway - finally gave up and gave them to myself for Mother's Day along with two cute tops!  


But enough about shopping!  When I got home and checked the mail, there was a Mother's Day card from ex in the mailbox that he'd come by and put in there.  It was one of those musical ones that played "Simply The Best" when you opened it and he wrote, "Thanks for making me a better father.  Love, Ex"  I was totally dumbfounded.  It was probably the best Mother's Day gift he's ever given me.  It was unexpected, it was unsolicited, I didn't have to tell him exactly what to get me or how much to spend and it was truly thoughtful.  It made me tear up - because when he gets "outside" of himself and his crazy - he's a very sweet man.  It made me miss the man that he used to be and to see that he's still there sometimes.  I called him and thanked him and had a nice conversation with him.  It was really sweet.  I'm daring to hope that we are finally moving into the friendship that we wanted to save when we decided to divorce.  


Today, my "baby" woke me up with breakfast in bed.  And it wasn't one of those sweet little kid burnt toast and cereal breakfasts.  It was scrambled eggs with cheese, a buttered bran muffin and a bowl of strawberries and blueberries.  Perfect!  She gave me a beautiful pocketbook in the exact Vera Bradley style I had picked out myself when browsing and then we went to church and out to eat with my folks.  She had to go to work and my sweet Mama & Daddy took me to the movies.  


So - all in all - a perfect day.  I also got a very sweet voice mail from one of my "other" daughters telling me how much I mean to her and a text from future son-in-law.  Maybe all the suckiness of last week had to happen for me to cherish the sweetness of this weekend. 

What Makes It Flirting?

One thing I've noticed lately - and it's made me very self-conscious - is that things I used to do and say all the time as a married woman "sound" different as a divorced woman.  I realized the other night at choir that I basically flirt with my preacher.  I'm not doing anything any differently - but we tease each other at choir practice and I've always really liked him personally.  But the teasing and laughing we do used to be done with my husband sitting right next to him laughing too.  Now it seems like flirting.  Is that all that makes the difference between flirting and joking?  Your marital status?  I would be really sad if he started acting differently toward me - and so far he hasn't - but my daughter has even said that she thought I'd date the preacher if he was single!        


I also saw a guy at the relay last night who goes to our church and his wife is in choir with me.  He's just back from Afghanistan and after several years here they are being transferred to Langley.  So I went up and gave him a squeeze and told him I heard they were moving and how pretty the area was up there but we would sure miss them here.  And he starts telling me that yeah, they're moving but L (his wife) was going with him and as long as she was there everything would be great.  Well, of course she's going with him - I certainly know that.  They have one son graduating this year, but two still in school.  I just thought it was weird thing to say - so did it seem like I was coming on to him?  


So that got me thinking about my old high school buddy who started acting so weird after HE contacted me.  I've gotten the vibe from him as well that he thinks I'm trying to "catch" him.  Is my normal manner with people one that makes them think I'm trying to start something?  The entire time I was married, I never even came close to cheating on ex and I've always prided myself on not being the type of person who opened that door.  But I don't think I'm acting any differently toward men now then I always did - is it just because they know I'm divorced now?


And what do I do with this thought now?  I'm 50 years old - it's pretty hard to change my entire manner!  I think I'm generally a nice person and friendly - I just don't know how I'm supposed to "be".  

Long Week

So glad this week is over!  Ugh!  Just one little thing and a couple of things that should have been little that were made HUGE at work - built up and up and up!  We have a customer (who is a customer but also part of a sister company) that is in WAY over her head with her job and she just went apeshit over NOTHING this week.  I can't believe the amount of time I wasted on something that anybody that knows a damn thing about accounting could have fixed with one journal entry on her side.  But she was like a magician - directing the attention elsewhere so her boss won't see the stupid tricks she's trying to cover up.


My company has been "merged" (but for all intents and purposes - bought out) with another one for 8 years now.  And each year, they get rid of more people from our original company and try and make us fit our square peg into their round hole!  This stupid bitch sent this scathing e-mail out to the CEO about us and not only were most of her "facts" wrong, she was blaming us for some stupid budget problem of hers from the month before!  So then the e-mail goes from the CEO to the Group President to the President to me!  If I'd sent an e-mail out like that, I would have gotten fired.  I'm so sick of our company being the red headed stepchild to the organization.  Bitch, bitch, bitch!!


Whew - anyway - week's over.  Went to the Relay for Life tonight - which did not have a good turnout - Mother's Day I guess.  But they raised a bunch of money this last year so Yay Relay.  My friend T and I walked the survivor's lap together.  It made me tear up.  This was my 6th Relay as a Survivor.  This summer will make 7 years - hard to believe.  It feels like yesterday and forever ago at the same time.  There was a lady at the Relay tonight, who I don't know - but most of the town does because she's a teacher - who is dying.  Several of my friends went and talked to her and were very upset and couldn't believe she was there and seemed so calm.  I had a nasty cancer, but I never was given a week to live - but I do know that if you're a Christian, it's worse on your family and friends then it is on the person with cancer.  They've fought the good fight and know where they're going - it's the people left behind that are going to suffer.  But it's a hard concept to understand and pretty much impossible to explain.  When I was sick, I didn't want to leave my daughter and I didn't want to miss having grandchildren - but I was never "afraid" to die.  I believe that's where this lady is at - she's sure of her destination - but hates to leave her children.  God bless her and her family.

Wow - Regrouped Today!

Okay - I'm back to my normal self today!  I went and worked out last night and felt so much better - I guess 4 days in a row of not working out took it's toll on my ability to deal with stress!  But I'm glad to say I didn't resort to chocolate.


I thought about it a lot last night and talked with daughter - I think I just totally stressed out about exes insurance because that sort of thing is "my" job.  I've always taken care of that stuff for both of us - and I felt like I had failed - even though it's not my job.  When we first separated, I can't tell you how many times I had to stop in mid sentence asking him if he'd followed up on this or that.  Telling him he needed to so this or that.  And then for a few months I'd ask daughter if he'd done this or that!  Finally I let my guard down, I acknowledged that it was no longer my responsibility or business - and then BOOM - he loses his insurance.  I actually talked with him about it yesterday and he was making ME feel better about it!  He was very sweet and very pragmatic and took full responsibility for not following through on it.  I guess my little boy has grown up!  I'm still trying to get something done from our end though - so please say a prayer for him - he really does need insurance!


And seriously - I obviously need to exercise regularly - I've become "addicted" to it!  The gym closes early on Friday so I've been going on Saturday morning and then trying to do something else on Sundays.  This last weekend though I went out of town Friday afternoon and then we had a family birthday party for daughter Monday night so I didn't go then either.  Last night I was just pounding the treadmill while imagining myself stomping on Blue Cross executives heads!  Very therapeutic!

FRUSTRATION

Yesterday SUCKED - and today is SUCKING MORE!  


Yesterday was just one little annoying thing after another at work.  I tried to do 3 different things with our so-called next generation in the clouds software - 3 different software's mind you - and either didn't have permission (which I should) couldn't update something because they still hadn't updated CC information I'd spent 45 minutes dealing with on Friday or they just plain weren't working.  Then find out ex still hadn't gotten anything on his Cobra - but when we asked about it they come up with a letter dated 2/14/11 that he swears he never got.  That letter gave him a deadline of 4/18/11.  So he had to write an appeal.  


So today - go in to get blood work done and the Dr. office gave me the wrong paperwork so the hospital is trying to get the correct paperwork from them and still as of 12:30 hasn't gotten a call, a fax or even a human to talk to about it.  When I ran in to get the blood work done - locked my keys in the car.  Have a friend pick me up to take me to the house for spare keys.  Spare keys have been in the same damn place for 6 months - but NOT today!  So have to get my parents to bring me their spare keys to get the car.  Still can't get in the software with the CC problem, still don't have permission for the other one and then ex calls - appeal is denied.  I want to cry.  He needs that insurance - that's pretty much the main reason I didn't bring up divorce because I knew he needed insurance.  I know he's checked his PO Box because he's asked me about it.  I've asked our HR person about it and was told it takes at least a month to get something.  Why oh why oh why didn't I ask about it last month?  Why didn't he ask about it last month?  I know it's not my fault or responsibility - but I feel like it is.  I know daughter will be worried sick about him getting insurance.  


I've called our HR and am going to see if we have ANY leverage in this - and if not - I'm going to see about getting re-married just so he can get the damn insurance!  I am SOOOO frustrated.  FUCK YOU BLUE CROSS.

Osama

I'm very relieved that they got that bastard Osama Bin Laden.  Other than that - I've mostly been teary eyed over the whole thing.  Sometimes with anger - anger that this scum is living in luxury in the garden spot of Pakistan within spitting distance of their so called elite military.  Angry that there are people in this world who looked up to and followed the advice of a coward who uses a woman as a shield.  But mostly angry that HE has lived the last 7 years like a king - 7 years that my friend T's husband had taken from him when he died in Iraq, April 30, 2004.


The first thing I did when I heard the news was text my friend - that I was thinking of her and the sacrifice C had made and that I loved her.  She texted back that her brother had just told her the news and after 7 years - it was a bittersweet ending.  I can't think of it without crying.


So when I watch the people chanting and waving flags - I like the patriotism, I like the singing "God Bless America" - and I'm doing my best to overlook the ones who want to bring politics into it - i.e. "Obama 1, Osama 0 -which is a crock of shit - and just be happy for our country's win here - our whole country's win - and I am so proud of our military.  But I always have been proud of them - not just on Red Letter day's like this.  I always tear up when I sing "God Bless America".  I've always been a flag waver and proud to be an American - no matter who the President was.  But I have to ask - did these people actually lose anyone on 9/11?  Did they actually know someone who was killed due to this war?  Have they held a friend who literally convulsed with grief?  Do they really know what they're celebrating?


  What I saw last night on the news was mainly a bunch of college aged kids - and I hope this wasn't just an excuse to party or a reason to gloat that he was killed on Obama's watch.  Don't get me wrong - Obama's going to get a lot of credit for this and if it had been Bush - he would have too.  That's the way politics works.  But just like it wasn't fair to saddle Jimmy Carter with the disaster on his watch when he tried pretty much the same thing to free the hostages - it's also not "fair" to give the credit to Obama when this mission succeeded.   This has been years of intelligence that finally came to fruition - and the ones who deserve the "glory" are the intelligence operatives and the military men who planned, executed and supported it.


Anyway - I'm making it political and I swore I wouldn't.   I'm not normally one who poops on other's parades - but I can't help but think of all the people who have died because of this ONE insane monster.  And I know that this doesn't mean it's all "over" - and I hope all the people waving flags and celebrating that realize it too.  


But I am sure glad to see that bastard dead - and I know the devil was waiting with open arms when he went straight to hell.

Pip, Pip & Cheerio

Guilty pleasure - I love this royal wedding and everything around it!  I just baked a batch of homemade blueberry muffins (scones are too dry) and daughter and I plan on eating them while drinking a proper cup of tea out of the good china while watching the wedding tomorrow.  I've printed out the "official" program.  I've set the alarms and DVR's!  I will watch it LIVE so I can see every single moment of it - not just the highlights later.


So yes, I'm a sap!!  But I don't care - weddings are so beautiful and fun and hopeful.  Even knowing how my marriage turned out and the last big royal wedding turned out - it's a time of hope and love and happiness.  And it does appear that these 2 have a better chance then poor William's idiot parents!!  And I went to London last year so I'm doubly excited that I've seen the Abbey, I've walked the route the carriage will go afterwards and I've stood in front of Buckingham Palace.  And wedding freak or not - it's history - so there!


So it's off to bed for me so I can get up at 5:30 and then only work 1/2 a day before coming home for a nap!!  


Best wishes William and Kate - and all you other hopeful couples.  

Movin' On

I ran half of my 25 minutes on the treadmill tonight!  Ran it!!  I'm really excited about that.  I've been doing 25 minutes on the treadmill and 20 minutes on either the bike or the Nu-Step so that I'm doing a total of 45 minutes of cardio.  Still haven't started on the weights yet - but they're coming.  


While I work out, I listen to music and tonight I really got in the zone with it.  I picture myself singing and dancing to it - like a character on "Glee"!  I tell myself, "I'm light as a feather, I'm light as a feather" when my feet start feeling heavy.  And then - time's up and I've done it.  I'm sweaty and stinky and I love it!


I called the office of the surgeon who did my surgery 6 1/2 years ago and got them to recommend a plastic surgeon for reconstruction.  I'm finally ready to take that step.  I've done a lot of thinking about it and about how deeply ex hurt me with his remarks.  But if I'm totally honest - was some of my hesitance to get reconstruction a way of keeping him at a distance?  I knew he was a boob man - he always has been.  And I had 'em!  When we were young, they were big and round and sexy - but as we got older and I got fatter - they did not make me feel sexy at all.  But God bless him - he still liked to play with them.  


In my defense, I was told not to have reconstruction for at least 2 years - but when the 2 years was up - I made it pretty clear to ex that I did not want to have that surgery.  And in this spirit of honesty - if he had told me then that he wanted me to - I think it would have pissed me off.  When he later talked about how he didn't find me attractive because of not having them - I was so mad that he hadn't had the balls to tell me back then that he wanted me to do it.  But would I have listened?  I don't know - I think I would have used that as one more thing to be mad at him about.  I think it was a case of he was damned if he did and damned if he didn't - and for that, I am sorry.  I was not honest with myself about my lack of attraction to him - so I certainly wasn't honest with him about it.  I think if we'd had a good sex life all along, hell - a good marriage in general - I would have definitely had that surgery as soon as possible.


But anyway - I'm having it now.  I know it will be several more months - I've got to wait until after daughter's best friend's wedding the end of July - but I look forward to it.  To buying normal bras, normal bathing suits and not having to worry about buying tops that cover the big thick straps!  I'm movin' on in so many areas of my life - and I'm really proud of that.

Happy Easter!

Lovely Easter today!  Hot - but pretty.  Future son-in-law came to church with us this morning and finally all the people here in Podunkville have gotten to lay eyes on him!!  He has been deemed worthy of daughter. Whew!


I took it pretty easy yesterday - just really drained from Friday.  But the promise of Easter has brought my spirits up.  The preacher read Luke 20 this morning and I actually got chill bumps when Mary realized it was Jesus she was talking to at the tomb.  It's been too long since a bible passage affected me that way.


Not a whole lot to talk about today - just trying to keep in the habit.

Cancer Sucks

Today was a very rough day for me.  I found out this morning that a friend I've worked with for 17 years has breast cancer.  She's the same age I was when I had it, is going to have to do chemo first like I did - it really freaked me out.  The difference is she has an 11 year old son.  My daughter had just graduated from high school when I was diagnosed.  


When her boss and my colleague told me about it - it stunned me and I got teary eyed.  I just hate to think about ANYONE having to go through that shit.  It's particularly upsetting because they just happened to do a CT scan the same day they did her mammogram because her IUD had gone missing and they were looking for it (it was in a fallopian tube!).  So after they found the cancer they went back and looked at the CT scan and are concerned about 2 places they saw on her spine.  So next week she has a PET scan to see if it has spread.  


So I was upset - but holding it together.  Then I walk out into the hall, where the director of her division had just told everyone about it (at her request) and I see the tears and the stunned looks on everyone's faces.  I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach.  It just brought all that extreme FEAR back to me from 7 years ago.  It just hit me - this is what it was like for everyone else 7 years ago.  These are the looks that were on their faces when they were told about me.  I had to pretty much hole up in my office for an hour until I could get it together.  And of course, everyone was saying how she was going to be counting on me and relying on me because I've been there and what an inspiration I am.  And I'm crying worse than anyone!!  I'm the one that I wouldn't want around me 7 years ago.  


I'm always so surprised when things hit me like that.  I never expect it.  I was so strong with my own cancer - but what choice do you have?  Fall apart? Cry all the time? Become a hermit?  I think I would have died - no, really - DIED - if I'd been like that.  But it's so much harder for me to deal with OTHER people's diseases.  


After I was in my office about 1/2 an hour my wonderful friend who was with me through it all 7 years ago came in and talked with me.  She said she knew when she heard the news that it would hit me hard.  I told her I wish she'd told me!  She said that when I went through it I wouldn't ever let myself run with my fear and I'd had to keep strong so that everyone else would keep it together around me - and she's right.  I had her tell the people at work the day I got the official biopsy results.  She was the one that had to deal with those FACES, with the shock and the fear.  I had her tell them that I was positive that I would beat it, that I didn't want anyone around me that couldn't be positive and upbeat.  So I didn't have to deal with all that.  Now I'm seeing it from the other side.  Now I'm feeling what they felt - is she going to die?  What if it has spread?


I finally got myself under control and was ready when she came over to talk to me.  She is handling it like I did - she is positive, optimistic -  but still in shock.  She only tears up when talking about her son.  At least she won't have the guilt of having a daughter who now has an increased risk for breast cancer.  But he's only 11.  It was awful enough having to tell my 18 year old.  He is a wonderful kid though.  She told him about me - about how I had it and it was a bad kind and I lost my hair - but that I'm fine now.  That just tears me up thinking about it.  I told her some things to expect and gave her a little advice - but mainly I listened and told her I was there for whatever she needed - and if she thinks her son would do good to talk to me or my daughter, we'd be glad to do it.  


And what's REALLY ironic about all this - SHE'S been the one who has led our Relay for Life team the last several years.  She's worked her butt off this year raising money for our team - and she didn't even have any family members or personal experience with cancer.  She's just that good of a person.  Cancer is such a FUCKING BITCH.  

Mother In Law

Tomorrow is my former mother-in-law's birthday.  Daughter and ex are going over to see her tomorrow and I asked if I could go too.  He was very weird about it so I said never mind.  I'm not sure how I feel about that!  


Let me go back and say that MIL has dementia and she and my FIL live in an assisted living facility about an hour away.  They called me last week to ask me to do a legal document for them on this software I have and they were very sweet.  FIL told me he's pay me to do it - to which I laughed!  I told them I loved them both and always would and would be happy to do anything they needed me to do for them.  They asked me to come see them.  I've talked to ex about them several times and he's asked my advice on situations with them.  I told him they asked me to come see them and he thought that would be great.  


SOOO - me asking to ride over with him and daughter for her birthday was not totally out of left field or inappropriate.  So I guess I'm just sort of curious on why he acted that way about it.  We've had lunch with daughter together, we're going in together on buying her a Kindle for her birthday - it's not like we can't get along with each other.  He knows they want to see me and I think she'd be really tickled for me to come over for her birthday (although, I doubt if she remembers it's her birthday - but she does still know who people are)  


I'm just going to write it off to him wanting to be alone with daughter for the trip over and back.  I've tried to honestly look at it and I am being truthful when I say my feelings aren't hurt - I guess I just think it's weird!


So I went and bought a card today and will send it with daughter and not worry about it.  Happy Birthday dear MIL!  I love you very much even if you did raise a nutjob!

Saturday Night

In my disappointment at not being a slut (haha), I forgot to mention that Saturday night we went to Panama City and had a wonderful time.  We ate at Margaritaville - where we found out it was Jimmy Buffett Day - like in the whole state of Florida - not just there!  Anyway, then went on to Tootsie's which is a country bar and it was great.  They had an AWESOME band with a girl and a guy lead singer that would take turns singing.  They guy was HOT!  We had a very nice military guy - who was originally from CHICAGO! (I think I need to move to Chicago!!) talk to us both and danced with us.


  It was so much fun - I didn't have nearly this much fun when I was younger at places like that.  I can't just blame it on ex - although when he was with me that was part of it because he didn't like to dance and he was terrible at it.  I had gotten where I thought I was terrible too - but I've now danced with two guys that actually led and I managed to follow.  But I went to places without ex and I think I was just too self-conscious to enjoy myself.  They say youth is wasted on the young - and it's true!  But I really just stood there dancing and listening to the band and singing - and didn't care if anyone was looking, or talking to me, or what they thought of me at all.  I was just enjoying the moment and myself.  


My friend kept scoping the place out - but I just didn't care if we met anyone or not.  It was a very pleasant surprise when Military guy started talking to me and asked me to dance.  But I didn't then start trying to figure out how to get him to stay with me all night or fall in love with me or at the very least fall in lust with me!  I just enjoyed it.  


I think I'm finally calming down a little about the "Will I be alone for the rest of my life?" panic mode I was in.  I don't think I will be alone forever - but it's not going to kill me to be alone for a while.  And I can go and do what I want by myself if I want to - and I can have a good time doing it.  I'm not going to pretend that I don't want a partner - we're hard wired to want to couple up, I think.  But I'm also not going to run around desperately trying to find a warm body either.  


I think the only way to be happy - is to BE happy!  I think about that creepy guy at the bar Friday night - and if he wasn't so obviously desperate - maybe he'd have a little more luck.  People want to be with other people that are having fun and comfortable in their own skin - no staring you down and swooping in like a vulture when the other animals leave you alone!!

Turns Out I'm Not a Slut

So I've discovered that no matter how much I think I want to have sex - I'm not willing to just go with anyone.


I went with a friend down to the beach this weekend - and had a blast. My friend was divorced back in September and her ex was a real low life.  He still calls and harasses her. Case in point - he started calling at 5:30 a.m. Sunday morning - which is when we decided he figured out she was out of town.  He tried to hack her voicemail as well.  Anyway - he spent a large part of the last few years of their marriage telling her how she was fat and ugly and no one would want her.  (She's a much sweeter and simpler person than me - my response to that would have been then why the hell do you keep wanting to have sex every damn night?) So she's gone a little wild since her divorce.  She is a big girl - bigger than me - and very country.  I don't mean that to sound snobby - but I guess the nice way to put it is her taste in men is not the same as mine.  She's had sex with SEVERAL men around our town - including some that are just a few years older than her son (he's an adult - she's not a perv).  None of these have been dates - they've been hookups.  I think she's just so excited that men do want her - even if only for sex - that she's just having it with everyone she can!


One thing she's very good at is getting the vibe on who's interested.  So we went to the island watering hole Friday night.  I started talking to a couple of girls who'd driven 13 hours from Chicago for just the weekend (I have no problem starting conversations with strange women - I swear my life would be easier if I was a lesbian!)  There was one guy there who was basically swooping in on any single woman there and was pretty creepy - BUT - if I really just wanted to have sex - I could have had it.


There was another guy we started talking to that he and his buddy (who hooked up with one of the Chicago girls! - they literally left the place and went to his trailer in the parking lot!) were good old redneck boys that were there to put up and then take down the stage for the band.  The one who didn't hook up with the Chicago girl was all over me.  Flirting, touching, teasing.  He was cute - but high as a kite and such a redneck!   BUT - if I really just wanted to have sex - I could have had it.


And finally - there were two guys that my friend kept telling me to go talk to - I just couldn't go do that!  But we ended up moving closer to them to get away from pervert guy and as soon as we were near them, the one guy started talking to me.  He had a very interesting job and I think he was probably very smart.  He travels all over the world and speaks several languages and he was actually kind of cute.  I talked to him for a while - but he was REALLY drunk and just kind of started boring me.  He was very much interested in me - for a booty call - but I just couldn't get into it.  BUT - if I really wanted to have sex - I could have had it.


I started talking to his much more sober friend and really liked him - and he, of course, was married!  But while we're talking, my friend - who was WAY too drunk - starts talking to the other guy and next thing I know they are all over each other.  Married guy and I were kind of laughing about it - but I started asking married guy details on the friend and decided he was legit.  


Anyway - to make a very long story short - friend and drunk guy hooked up.  Married guy drove drunk guy's truck back to where they were staying and drunk guy ended up in my friend's room for the evening.  


So - what this tells me is -  I do have to have some sort of connection to want to sleep with a guy.  I just can't sleep around - no matter how much I thought I wanted to!  I guess that's a good thing - it's certainly a safer thing!  I'm kind of disappointed and amused that I'm disappointed!  I guess the disappointment stems from the fact that I don't think I'll be having sex anytime soon because of my damn moral fiber!  I'm going back to the beach with a large group of girl friends next month - I guess we'll see.  I was attracted to Convention Guy the first night I met him - if I met someone like him now - would there be enough of a connection to jump into bed with him after one night?  I don't know - that wasn't the situation with Convention Guy.


I've also realized that I'm just not attracted to rednecks - and that is certainly the majority of the pool around my town!  I never thought I'd end up with one as far as a true relationship - but I thought that they would be a possibility for a little bit of casual sex.  But apparently, I'm incapable of casual sex.  I grew up in the 70's for God's sake - I'm supposed to be all about casual sex.  Even back then I didn't have casual sex.  I always had a steady boyfriend - and while I did a LOT of sex play with them - I only had sex with two of them - and that was after dating for months and I ended up marrying the second one!


 I guess my parents would be proud to know that even at 50, I just can't be a slut even when I want to!

I'm Back!

Had a great trip - perfect weather.  Too tired to write tonight - but did discover some good things about myself this weekend.

Music

Ahhh - washing clothes, packing sheets & towels - getting ready to go tomorrow at 9!!  Looks like rain on Saturday so we have to get our sun time in tomorrow!


I've discovered a renewed interest in pop music and have been trying to expand my horizons in the last few months.  Ex and daughter always had that in common - ex liked to listen to newer stuff and rap - which I've always hated.  But as deaf as he is - he is better at hearing the lyrics then me and that's what he appreciated.  I got myself an Ipod Shuffle to work out with and downloaded the Grammy nominated song album off of Itunes - and I've loved it.  Just about every one of the songs either relates to my life right now - or it's just fun.


My interest in changing my listening habits has mostly been precipitated by the fact that I used to listen to country music.  And in case you haven't noticed - country music is pretty much all about happy marriages, true love OR unhappy marriages and heartbreak!  I pretty much don't want to listen to either one!  


But my new "theme" as it were is going to be Michale Buble's "Haven't Met You Yet"  - I'm going to post the lyrics in the sidebar.  First of all - it's a great tempo for the treadmill and the other thingy I work out on that I can't remember it's name!  But it's so upbeat and it's basically saying that I know someone's out there and when I meet them - it will be great!  I just walk with a smile on my face and picture myself in that song.


So - I know you're out there -


I might have to wait, I'll never give up
I guess it's half timing, and the other half's luck
Wherever you are, whenever it's right
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life

I just haven't met you yet!

Happy Plans!

Going to the beach, going to the beach!!!  Yeah!  Talking with my friend yesterday - who just got divorced last September.  She'd taken the last half of this week off to spend some time with her son on his spring break - but then he got invited to go to the mountains with some friends.  So.....we decided to go to the beach this weekend.  We've got a big girls trip planned in May - and that will be fun - but this will be just us two "single" girls.  


I was thinking about it and realized, I never really went and did this sort of trip back in my single days - MANY moons ago.  Even before we were married, I was dating ex and the one trip I went on with my sorority to Panama City - I didn't do anything too wild.  I never went on a trip with just one or two girls - it was always a big thing - safety in numbers!  


So we plan to head down Friday morning and hit the beach, go to a local place on the island that night and then Saturday night - Panama City!  Woohoo!  


So not sure if I'll get a chance to write too much - gotta pack tomorrow and won't have a computer there.  So I'll hopefully have new adventures to talk about when I get back!

Sad This Evening

Within the last 36 hours, a good friend from here in town lost his father, an old boyfriend lost HIS father and worst of all another friend's son killed himself.  Too sad.  The two fathers lived long, full lives and it was their time - but it's still sad and I feel for their kids.  I loved the father of the friend here in town very much.  He and his wife - who passed away 1 1/2 years ago - have been very good to me and mine since I moved to this town 20 years ago.  The son who killed himself - I can't imagine - I believe he was around my age.  It just makes me want to cry for her.


Anyway - melancholy tonight thinking about them and teary eyed thinking about my own parents who I love with all my heart.  I can't imagine losing them.  


Ugh - that's enough for tonight.

Part 1 (short & sweet) - Irony! Part 2 - Damn, I'm Proud of Myself

Part 1 - Sermon this morning was about David and Bathsheba!!!!  HAHAHAHAHA!  I almost started laughing - people say that God doesn't talk to them anymore - they just aren't listening!  The point of the sermon was about asking for forgiveness and that no matter what you do and think you got away with - God sees it.  You can run - but you can't hide.  My preacher RARELY preaches on the Old Testament.  Buddy usually goes to the 9 o'clock service - wish I knew if he was there and if he got the same message!


Part 2 - I went hiking today.  All by myself.  I was thinking last night about how I wish the wellness center I go to was open on Sunday and I guess I could go to the high school track or walk around the neighborhood.  But I really don't like either of those options.  The track is boring and it was supposed to get in the 90's today(it did). The neighborhood has too many dogs and it's just too easy to walk around the loop once and go home.  


Ex and I have been on several vacations to National Parks and loved them.  At home - we were couch potatoes - but on vacation - we would hike, raft, walk, picnic - just thoroughly enjoy being active and getting out and doing new things.  The year after I had my cancer treatments, we went to Bryce, Zion & Grand Canyons.  In Zion we hiked the Narrows - which is the place where you may have seen pictures of people touching both sides of the canyon at once.  They're really cool and it's a strenuous hike that involves renting stuff from an outfitter (and obviously keeping track of flash flood possibilities!) - and we did it and I was SO proud of myself and him.  


Every time we'd go on a trip and come back, we'd say that we ought to go hiking around home.  We don't live in a mountain area - but there are several state parks with trails and even going to the mountains could be a doable day trip.  But we NEVER ONCE did that.  We'd get home and get back in our ruts, on our sofa, obsessed with work - and never do anything fun or different.


So last night, I looked up a park that's an hours drive away, saw they had some doable trails and went by myself after church.  I found the old backpack, the insulated bottle, the handkerchief, got the visor and went.   I checked in at the station and got the trail map and a walking stick and went on the 2.5 mile aptly named "Tranquility Trail".  Saw 2 other parties coming back when I started out but other than that didn't see a soul around.  It was hilly and a little challenging at points - but I felt so POWERFUL!  I was doing something out of the ordinary, something just for me.  My poor abused body was still able to haul my big butt around and feel great when it was done.  After I got done with that trail, for my "reward" I walked over to the falls (short walk - saving the falls trail for another day) and just sat and stared at them and I felt so at peace and strong. 


Why do we let ourselves get away from that?  Why do we sit our flabby butts on a sofa and feel sorry for ourselves?  I KNOW that every time I've gone and done something like that, I felt so good about myself later. But what is it in me that has just let me waller in depression and fat and inactivity instead of go help myself?   I'm not a pentecostal person - but I truly believe it's the devil riding your back.   When you look at the mechanics of the human body - they're amazing - they're a miracle.  But instead of appreciating the gift we've been given, we let that damn devil whisper in our souls - "Ugh, you'll get sweaty if you go walking.  You're too tired to go to the gym.  Wouldn't a bag of M&M's and a night of TV be relaxing?  You don't have the time to work out".


And just like Eve - it's so easy to listen to him.  But just like Eve - he doesn't give a damn about me!  So I've shut that voice OUT.  I'm going to be the person I want to be - the healthy, fit and active person that I want to be.  The person that God created and that HE wants me to be.  

Ok-k-k-k-ay - That Was WEIRD!

Yesterday I was talking with my girlfriends at work and we were making plans for next Saturday when some event is gong on in the next town.  They've decided that the 3 of us that are single are going to go over there on Saturday.  While we were talking my buddy that I've known since we moved to town over 20 years ago came in.  He works in our warehouse and is married.  He's been friends with ex and I since we moved here.  He and his wife moved here in May almost 21 years ago, we moved here in August and we all joined the same church.  


Anyway ... He's the one that ex didn't call for 3 months until I made him call about helping him get the rest of his stuff out (which BTW - is still not gone - but the big sofa and the grills are!)  So the reason he came in my office was to bring a TV cart over that I had ordered.  I asked him to stick it in the car and also said if he got a chance to stop by the house this weekend and bring it up to my room because it was too heavy.  (Ex & I have gotten buddy to help us with stuff like that for years.  Our daughter has even called him when she couldn't get us and had locked her keys in her car.  He's that kind of friend - so it wasn't anything suggestive when I asked him to bring the cart up to my room) Well, he stood there and laughed with us and listened in on some of the conversation - which was fine.  And I made a joke that my friends were trying to get me laid.  


Soooo today he drops by to take the cart up to the room.  Then, before he leaves, he turns at the door and says:


"One more thing - I couldn't say anything in front of the posse there - but I heard what ya'll were talking about."


Me (laughing) - "Oh, you mean about getting laid?"


Him (NOT laughing) - "Yeah, did you mean that?"


Me (still clueless) - "Yeah! You got someone for me?"


Him (lifts his eyebrows like "duh")


Me - (NOT LAUGHING ANYMORE!) "You mean YOU???"


Him - "Yeah, we'd keep it just between us."

Me - "duh, duh, duh" (OMG, OMG, OMG)


Me - "YOU'RE MARRIED!"


Him - "My marriage is exactly where yours was."


Me - "Then why don't you get a divorce? Ohhh - you waiting on the kids, right?"


Him - "Yes - I've got about three more years.  But if things don't change then I'm out of there."


Me - "I don't think I'm to that point yet, Buddy. As bad as things were with Ex and me, I never even considered cheating on him."


Him - "Well, if you get the itch - just call.  No one would think anything about my truck being over here. You could say you need some furniture moved and we could both move something."


Me - "Ok-k-k-k-ay"


OH MY GOD!  There was a little more conversation - but that was the gist of it.  Although when he said that about 3 more years, I said I understood.  I get along okay with his wife - but she's VERY obnoxious - she's one of these that's smart, but very insecure and so she wants to hog any and all conversations so you can see how smart and "good" she is.  She does lots of church work, including a prison ministry - but she makes sure EVERYONE knows it. 


 She also weighs at least 350 pounds - so I know I look GOOD compared to that!  But I told him I didn't blame him because she isn't very nice to him.  And she isn't. I've said for a long time I didn't know how he put up with her.  She talks very badly about him and puts him down at any and all opportunities.  I guess it's very judgmental of me, but I can't help but think that she's lucky she got ANYONE to marry her (although supposedly she wasn't that big when they married - don't know) - let alone someone as nice and easy going as "Buddy".


BUT - is that the real reason I'm saying no?  I'm not attracted to him at all like that - but I like him a lot for a friend.  He's a good fellow - but not someone I'd really want to be with.  If he was better looking, better educated - would I be so morally superior?  I'm really afraid that I wouldn't.  What does that say about me?  All my talk about being so against cheating - is it because the opportunity never came up before?  I can say that I NEVER gave off the "vibes" that I was open for business when I was married.  But now I'm not married - so do I just say it's okay as long as it's not ME?  Especially when I know from my personal knowledge that they don't have a good marriage - it's not just some man saying that to me?


I guess it's good to know that I'm not so desperate for sex that I'd just take anybody.  But it's not so good to know that the only thing holding me back is my attraction level - not my morality level.

I got inordinately mad at my ex today - just sitting there thinking about another Friday night with nothing to do and thought - Fuck you.  Why did you have to turn into such a loser that I was relieved when you asked for a divorce?  Why did I follow you to this tiny ass podunk town that is great when you're married and raising a kid - but SUCKS for a 50 year old divorced woman.  


The divorce rate is 50% - where are they all?  Is there a warehouse filled with eligible, decent and available men somewhere?  Honestly - I don't have a clue how to meet anyone in this town or any other town for that matter -  without hanging out at a bar.  And I hated that shit when I was young!  


I'm going to   well - scratch what I was writing - I was going to say that I was going to the Braves game tomorrow with my parents just so I can make sure I'm doing something!  But apparently Atlanta is all fired up about baseball since we made it to the playoffs last year and there aren't any tickets left that are together.  So as loserish as I felt tagging along once again with my parents - I don't even have that now.  


I'm really not as depressed as this post sounds - just kind of pissed off I guess!  

How Honest Can You Really Be?

Wow - crazy week - been in classes and it's amazing how much mental tiredness wears you out!


Conference guy was put back in the front of my mind oddly enough because of this class.  The guy teaching it is from the company who put on the conference and we talked about it.  Turns out he knows the whole crew I was hanging out and was talking about what a great guy Conference guy was.  I have really been resisting the urge to call or text him.  I'd really like to talk to him because I really did like him.  But because of all the sex/no sex crap - I'm really afraid to.  I think I'd look like a stalker or something.  Why do things have to be so friggin complicated???  


The way I think about a lot of situations when I'm trying to make a decision or help someone else with one is  - how would I feel if it the situation was reversed and the other person did/said what I was thinking of doing/saying. But usually that's in a situation with someone that there is a prior relationship.  On the one hand - what's the worst thing that could happen?  He'd think I was weird and not respond.  But then it would REALLY be awkward if we're both at next year's conference.    


Once again I find myself in this stupid position - it's similar to my high school buddy.  Although I DO want to have sex with Conference guy - it's not like I want him to move here and marry me!  I wish I could just say that - "I really like you and had fun and would like to stay in touch.  If we're both available next year, I totally want to have sex with you - but I don't expect a "relationship" out of it."  What would happen then?


People say they want honesty - but do they really?  How much honesty can someone take.  And what if he honestly said back to me, "Thanks, but no thanks, I was drunk".  Would I appreciate that? Or would it send me spiraling?  


I hate feeling like a 12 year old.  A horny 12 year old!