After months and months of procrastination - I'm cleaning out closets, drawers, clutter catcher corners... and it's been pretty thought provoking. I'm getting the inside of the house painted and new carpet - so I've been forced to get off my ass and clear stuff out to get ready for that. And it's made me realize that I wasn't quite so over things as I thought... but it is helping me get there.
Our My master bath has double closets - his & hers. My stuffed to the gills closet has all my winter stuff, coats, "vacation" gear etc. Until today, I hadn't moved one single thing into his empty closet. I'm sure there's all sorts of psychological truths in that! He's been gone since November 12th - over six months. I can certainly put some of that off on pure laziness - but when the weather got warm - why didn't I start putting just washed clothes into that closet? I think it's just the finality of it - I have a his and hers closet and no "his".
And what do you do with old pictures of you and your ex? What do you do with the cute framed picture of you and your bridesmaids wearing funny glasses at your wedding reception? He's not it in - but it's your freaking wedding reception! What do you do with the framed family pictures? We WERE a family, we still have a beautiful daughter together - but I really don't want those sitting around on display anymore. What about the big group photos with my brother and his family and my parents? The snapshots of his family? The sweet birthday cards and notes from when I had cancer? They were real, they meant something - but what do you do with them now? I've realized while going through this that I still have a very funny "card" he gave me for Valentines under my plastic desk protector at work where he cut out pictures from the funny papers and put his own captions in. It was so creative - it was so the best of Ex. How can I toss that away now? I guess I should at least get rid of it there - but where do you put that stuff?
I finally decided to keep the group photos - but in the living room - and give the 3 person family pictures to daughter. I found a picture of just the two of us taken as we got off the boat on the cruise we went on for his 50th birthday and threw it away. Who wants it? It was the last New Year's we were together - a New Years that I later found out when we were docked in Key West he was texting a "friend" who was a woman- and telling me he was texting his buddy. I don't believe he ever cheated on me physically - but he did mentally.
I've thrown out three bags full of trash in just my bedroom and bathroom and have so far got two bags full of clothes. I look through my clothes and just shake my head at some of them. In just the last six months, my style has changed so much. I have things in there I bought last October that I wouldn't be caught dead in now. Old lady clothes - fat, matronly, do-not-think-of-me-as-an-object-of-desire clothes. Happily, some of this is because I've lost weight (which has started falling off FINALLY!) But I look at so many things and remember how I hated the same old plain blue polo shirts ex ALWAYS wore - and think - how much of my same dowdy looking clothes did he hate? I, of course, told him I was sick of them - he, of course, never said a word....typical of our whole marriage.
But as I go through this stuff and make decisions - I'm also putting things away in fresh, new containers. I've got cute organizer trays and clear boxes and am making the closet worthy of a before and after makeover. I'm getting together the stuff to completely redecorate my bedroom once the new carpet is in and the painting is done. I'm decorating it exactly the way I want it. Ex never had any opinions on that - but so many of my decorating decisions were based on keeping something clean and not on what I truly WANTED. It makes me very happy and I feel calm. It makes me feel like I really am moving on.
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