In my disappointment at not being a slut (haha), I forgot to mention that Saturday night we went to Panama City and had a wonderful time. We ate at Margaritaville - where we found out it was Jimmy Buffett Day - like in the whole state of Florida - not just there! Anyway, then went on to Tootsie's which is a country bar and it was great. They had an AWESOME band with a girl and a guy lead singer that would take turns singing. They guy was HOT! We had a very nice military guy - who was originally from CHICAGO! (I think I need to move to Chicago!!) talk to us both and danced with us.
It was so much fun - I didn't have nearly this much fun when I was younger at places like that. I can't just blame it on ex - although when he was with me that was part of it because he didn't like to dance and he was terrible at it. I had gotten where I thought I was terrible too - but I've now danced with two guys that actually led and I managed to follow. But I went to places without ex and I think I was just too self-conscious to enjoy myself. They say youth is wasted on the young - and it's true! But I really just stood there dancing and listening to the band and singing - and didn't care if anyone was looking, or talking to me, or what they thought of me at all. I was just enjoying the moment and myself.
My friend kept scoping the place out - but I just didn't care if we met anyone or not. It was a very pleasant surprise when Military guy started talking to me and asked me to dance. But I didn't then start trying to figure out how to get him to stay with me all night or fall in love with me or at the very least fall in lust with me! I just enjoyed it.
I think I'm finally calming down a little about the "Will I be alone for the rest of my life?" panic mode I was in. I don't think I will be alone forever - but it's not going to kill me to be alone for a while. And I can go and do what I want by myself if I want to - and I can have a good time doing it. I'm not going to pretend that I don't want a partner - we're hard wired to want to couple up, I think. But I'm also not going to run around desperately trying to find a warm body either.
I think the only way to be happy - is to BE happy! I think about that creepy guy at the bar Friday night - and if he wasn't so obviously desperate - maybe he'd have a little more luck. People want to be with other people that are having fun and comfortable in their own skin - no staring you down and swooping in like a vulture when the other animals leave you alone!!
It was so much fun - I didn't have nearly this much fun when I was younger at places like that. I can't just blame it on ex - although when he was with me that was part of it because he didn't like to dance and he was terrible at it. I had gotten where I thought I was terrible too - but I've now danced with two guys that actually led and I managed to follow. But I went to places without ex and I think I was just too self-conscious to enjoy myself. They say youth is wasted on the young - and it's true! But I really just stood there dancing and listening to the band and singing - and didn't care if anyone was looking, or talking to me, or what they thought of me at all. I was just enjoying the moment and myself.
My friend kept scoping the place out - but I just didn't care if we met anyone or not. It was a very pleasant surprise when Military guy started talking to me and asked me to dance. But I didn't then start trying to figure out how to get him to stay with me all night or fall in love with me or at the very least fall in lust with me! I just enjoyed it.
I think I'm finally calming down a little about the "Will I be alone for the rest of my life?" panic mode I was in. I don't think I will be alone forever - but it's not going to kill me to be alone for a while. And I can go and do what I want by myself if I want to - and I can have a good time doing it. I'm not going to pretend that I don't want a partner - we're hard wired to want to couple up, I think. But I'm also not going to run around desperately trying to find a warm body either.
I think the only way to be happy - is to BE happy! I think about that creepy guy at the bar Friday night - and if he wasn't so obviously desperate - maybe he'd have a little more luck. People want to be with other people that are having fun and comfortable in their own skin - no staring you down and swooping in like a vulture when the other animals leave you alone!!
Great post! Of course, I am entering the stages of really beginning to face the concept of being lonely. Last night was perhaps the first time that loneliness was the ruling emotion. I think I prefer heartbreak, or jealousy to feeling alone. At least the others can find company in the misery.
ReplyDeleteWhile I still can't see myself in the dating, or even serious relationship scene, I know that I am a relationship guy. Flings and one night stands are not my thing...from a self confidence thing as much as a moral thing, to be perfectly honest. With the recent cataclysmic rejection I am enduring, the thought of being rejected again is just way too scary to face. Self esteem at an all time low, I wouldn't have enough balls to approach a woman, much less ask her out, or even to have a cup of coffee. Hell, I never asked J out. She initiated the first date. It was a fix up, created by her behind the scenes. I see myself as a bumbling idiot who would project the confidence and attractiveness of the last kid who gets picked for dodgeball in gym class.
And then, as you sort of alluded to, I fear jumping on the first relationship train that comes to my station. Will my vulnerability and lack of confidence and fear of being lonely trick me into a relationship that isn't healthy or stable enough to withstand the stressors of long term? I am petrified of all that.
Say a prayer for me today as J and I begin the division of assets talks. I fear where it will lead.