Today was a very rough day for me. I found out this morning that a friend I've worked with for 17 years has breast cancer. She's the same age I was when I had it, is going to have to do chemo first like I did - it really freaked me out. The difference is she has an 11 year old son. My daughter had just graduated from high school when I was diagnosed.
When her boss and my colleague told me about it - it stunned me and I got teary eyed. I just hate to think about ANYONE having to go through that shit. It's particularly upsetting because they just happened to do a CT scan the same day they did her mammogram because her IUD had gone missing and they were looking for it (it was in a fallopian tube!). So after they found the cancer they went back and looked at the CT scan and are concerned about 2 places they saw on her spine. So next week she has a PET scan to see if it has spread.
So I was upset - but holding it together. Then I walk out into the hall, where the director of her division had just told everyone about it (at her request) and I see the tears and the stunned looks on everyone's faces. I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach. It just brought all that extreme FEAR back to me from 7 years ago. It just hit me - this is what it was like for everyone else 7 years ago. These are the looks that were on their faces when they were told about me. I had to pretty much hole up in my office for an hour until I could get it together. And of course, everyone was saying how she was going to be counting on me and relying on me because I've been there and what an inspiration I am. And I'm crying worse than anyone!! I'm the one that I wouldn't want around me 7 years ago.
I'm always so surprised when things hit me like that. I never expect it. I was so strong with my own cancer - but what choice do you have? Fall apart? Cry all the time? Become a hermit? I think I would have died - no, really - DIED - if I'd been like that. But it's so much harder for me to deal with OTHER people's diseases.
After I was in my office about 1/2 an hour my wonderful friend who was with me through it all 7 years ago came in and talked with me. She said she knew when she heard the news that it would hit me hard. I told her I wish she'd told me! She said that when I went through it I wouldn't ever let myself run with my fear and I'd had to keep strong so that everyone else would keep it together around me - and she's right. I had her tell the people at work the day I got the official biopsy results. She was the one that had to deal with those FACES, with the shock and the fear. I had her tell them that I was positive that I would beat it, that I didn't want anyone around me that couldn't be positive and upbeat. So I didn't have to deal with all that. Now I'm seeing it from the other side. Now I'm feeling what they felt - is she going to die? What if it has spread?
I finally got myself under control and was ready when she came over to talk to me. She is handling it like I did - she is positive, optimistic - but still in shock. She only tears up when talking about her son. At least she won't have the guilt of having a daughter who now has an increased risk for breast cancer. But he's only 11. It was awful enough having to tell my 18 year old. He is a wonderful kid though. She told him about me - about how I had it and it was a bad kind and I lost my hair - but that I'm fine now. That just tears me up thinking about it. I told her some things to expect and gave her a little advice - but mainly I listened and told her I was there for whatever she needed - and if she thinks her son would do good to talk to me or my daughter, we'd be glad to do it.
And what's REALLY ironic about all this - SHE'S been the one who has led our Relay for Life team the last several years. She's worked her butt off this year raising money for our team - and she didn't even have any family members or personal experience with cancer. She's just that good of a person. Cancer is such a FUCKING BITCH.
When her boss and my colleague told me about it - it stunned me and I got teary eyed. I just hate to think about ANYONE having to go through that shit. It's particularly upsetting because they just happened to do a CT scan the same day they did her mammogram because her IUD had gone missing and they were looking for it (it was in a fallopian tube!). So after they found the cancer they went back and looked at the CT scan and are concerned about 2 places they saw on her spine. So next week she has a PET scan to see if it has spread.
So I was upset - but holding it together. Then I walk out into the hall, where the director of her division had just told everyone about it (at her request) and I see the tears and the stunned looks on everyone's faces. I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach. It just brought all that extreme FEAR back to me from 7 years ago. It just hit me - this is what it was like for everyone else 7 years ago. These are the looks that were on their faces when they were told about me. I had to pretty much hole up in my office for an hour until I could get it together. And of course, everyone was saying how she was going to be counting on me and relying on me because I've been there and what an inspiration I am. And I'm crying worse than anyone!! I'm the one that I wouldn't want around me 7 years ago.
I'm always so surprised when things hit me like that. I never expect it. I was so strong with my own cancer - but what choice do you have? Fall apart? Cry all the time? Become a hermit? I think I would have died - no, really - DIED - if I'd been like that. But it's so much harder for me to deal with OTHER people's diseases.
After I was in my office about 1/2 an hour my wonderful friend who was with me through it all 7 years ago came in and talked with me. She said she knew when she heard the news that it would hit me hard. I told her I wish she'd told me! She said that when I went through it I wouldn't ever let myself run with my fear and I'd had to keep strong so that everyone else would keep it together around me - and she's right. I had her tell the people at work the day I got the official biopsy results. She was the one that had to deal with those FACES, with the shock and the fear. I had her tell them that I was positive that I would beat it, that I didn't want anyone around me that couldn't be positive and upbeat. So I didn't have to deal with all that. Now I'm seeing it from the other side. Now I'm feeling what they felt - is she going to die? What if it has spread?
I finally got myself under control and was ready when she came over to talk to me. She is handling it like I did - she is positive, optimistic - but still in shock. She only tears up when talking about her son. At least she won't have the guilt of having a daughter who now has an increased risk for breast cancer. But he's only 11. It was awful enough having to tell my 18 year old. He is a wonderful kid though. She told him about me - about how I had it and it was a bad kind and I lost my hair - but that I'm fine now. That just tears me up thinking about it. I told her some things to expect and gave her a little advice - but mainly I listened and told her I was there for whatever she needed - and if she thinks her son would do good to talk to me or my daughter, we'd be glad to do it.
And what's REALLY ironic about all this - SHE'S been the one who has led our Relay for Life team the last several years. She's worked her butt off this year raising money for our team - and she didn't even have any family members or personal experience with cancer. She's just that good of a person. Cancer is such a FUCKING BITCH.
I'm deeply saddened to hear of your friend's diagnosis. My sister was diagnosed in September of 2009. Did the whole chemo, some radiation, and radical mastectomy. Since then, residual effects and endometriosis have forced a complete hystorectomy(sp?). I spent a lot of nights up with her on the phone talking her down from rage, lifting her up from defeat, and providing a sounding board for her to shout at God. It is alarming the number of women who are diagnosed these days. 1 in 8. That seems to me an epidemic rather than a trend.
ReplyDeleteYour observations are spot on with regard to what the people around you feel. And it makes it doubly tough handle when they don't understand what to say, how to support, or how to act for fear of offending, smothering, or alienating you. It truly is a tough dynamic to know just how to react.
My prayer for her is that her medical team can and will be efficient and accurate in her treatment.
Of course, you know the ins and outs of what she is about to face in the next year or so, and, in that, I would imagine your wounds got opened up a little bit knowing what you had to face. I know my sister grieves with her surviving sisters when they learn of a new diagnosis, and with each one, they have to relive a little bit of their own misery. And with that, I couldn't agree more with your assessment of the ugliness of cancer.
However, kudos to you for having the strength to beat it, and for having the knowlege of what it will take to help your friend. Please forward to her that people she hasn't met, and likely never will, are praying for her as she begins this awful struggle.