Pip, Pip & Cheerio

Guilty pleasure - I love this royal wedding and everything around it!  I just baked a batch of homemade blueberry muffins (scones are too dry) and daughter and I plan on eating them while drinking a proper cup of tea out of the good china while watching the wedding tomorrow.  I've printed out the "official" program.  I've set the alarms and DVR's!  I will watch it LIVE so I can see every single moment of it - not just the highlights later.


So yes, I'm a sap!!  But I don't care - weddings are so beautiful and fun and hopeful.  Even knowing how my marriage turned out and the last big royal wedding turned out - it's a time of hope and love and happiness.  And it does appear that these 2 have a better chance then poor William's idiot parents!!  And I went to London last year so I'm doubly excited that I've seen the Abbey, I've walked the route the carriage will go afterwards and I've stood in front of Buckingham Palace.  And wedding freak or not - it's history - so there!


So it's off to bed for me so I can get up at 5:30 and then only work 1/2 a day before coming home for a nap!!  


Best wishes William and Kate - and all you other hopeful couples.  

Movin' On

I ran half of my 25 minutes on the treadmill tonight!  Ran it!!  I'm really excited about that.  I've been doing 25 minutes on the treadmill and 20 minutes on either the bike or the Nu-Step so that I'm doing a total of 45 minutes of cardio.  Still haven't started on the weights yet - but they're coming.  


While I work out, I listen to music and tonight I really got in the zone with it.  I picture myself singing and dancing to it - like a character on "Glee"!  I tell myself, "I'm light as a feather, I'm light as a feather" when my feet start feeling heavy.  And then - time's up and I've done it.  I'm sweaty and stinky and I love it!


I called the office of the surgeon who did my surgery 6 1/2 years ago and got them to recommend a plastic surgeon for reconstruction.  I'm finally ready to take that step.  I've done a lot of thinking about it and about how deeply ex hurt me with his remarks.  But if I'm totally honest - was some of my hesitance to get reconstruction a way of keeping him at a distance?  I knew he was a boob man - he always has been.  And I had 'em!  When we were young, they were big and round and sexy - but as we got older and I got fatter - they did not make me feel sexy at all.  But God bless him - he still liked to play with them.  


In my defense, I was told not to have reconstruction for at least 2 years - but when the 2 years was up - I made it pretty clear to ex that I did not want to have that surgery.  And in this spirit of honesty - if he had told me then that he wanted me to - I think it would have pissed me off.  When he later talked about how he didn't find me attractive because of not having them - I was so mad that he hadn't had the balls to tell me back then that he wanted me to do it.  But would I have listened?  I don't know - I think I would have used that as one more thing to be mad at him about.  I think it was a case of he was damned if he did and damned if he didn't - and for that, I am sorry.  I was not honest with myself about my lack of attraction to him - so I certainly wasn't honest with him about it.  I think if we'd had a good sex life all along, hell - a good marriage in general - I would have definitely had that surgery as soon as possible.


But anyway - I'm having it now.  I know it will be several more months - I've got to wait until after daughter's best friend's wedding the end of July - but I look forward to it.  To buying normal bras, normal bathing suits and not having to worry about buying tops that cover the big thick straps!  I'm movin' on in so many areas of my life - and I'm really proud of that.

Happy Easter!

Lovely Easter today!  Hot - but pretty.  Future son-in-law came to church with us this morning and finally all the people here in Podunkville have gotten to lay eyes on him!!  He has been deemed worthy of daughter. Whew!


I took it pretty easy yesterday - just really drained from Friday.  But the promise of Easter has brought my spirits up.  The preacher read Luke 20 this morning and I actually got chill bumps when Mary realized it was Jesus she was talking to at the tomb.  It's been too long since a bible passage affected me that way.


Not a whole lot to talk about today - just trying to keep in the habit.

Cancer Sucks

Today was a very rough day for me.  I found out this morning that a friend I've worked with for 17 years has breast cancer.  She's the same age I was when I had it, is going to have to do chemo first like I did - it really freaked me out.  The difference is she has an 11 year old son.  My daughter had just graduated from high school when I was diagnosed.  


When her boss and my colleague told me about it - it stunned me and I got teary eyed.  I just hate to think about ANYONE having to go through that shit.  It's particularly upsetting because they just happened to do a CT scan the same day they did her mammogram because her IUD had gone missing and they were looking for it (it was in a fallopian tube!).  So after they found the cancer they went back and looked at the CT scan and are concerned about 2 places they saw on her spine.  So next week she has a PET scan to see if it has spread.  


So I was upset - but holding it together.  Then I walk out into the hall, where the director of her division had just told everyone about it (at her request) and I see the tears and the stunned looks on everyone's faces.  I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach.  It just brought all that extreme FEAR back to me from 7 years ago.  It just hit me - this is what it was like for everyone else 7 years ago.  These are the looks that were on their faces when they were told about me.  I had to pretty much hole up in my office for an hour until I could get it together.  And of course, everyone was saying how she was going to be counting on me and relying on me because I've been there and what an inspiration I am.  And I'm crying worse than anyone!!  I'm the one that I wouldn't want around me 7 years ago.  


I'm always so surprised when things hit me like that.  I never expect it.  I was so strong with my own cancer - but what choice do you have?  Fall apart? Cry all the time? Become a hermit?  I think I would have died - no, really - DIED - if I'd been like that.  But it's so much harder for me to deal with OTHER people's diseases.  


After I was in my office about 1/2 an hour my wonderful friend who was with me through it all 7 years ago came in and talked with me.  She said she knew when she heard the news that it would hit me hard.  I told her I wish she'd told me!  She said that when I went through it I wouldn't ever let myself run with my fear and I'd had to keep strong so that everyone else would keep it together around me - and she's right.  I had her tell the people at work the day I got the official biopsy results.  She was the one that had to deal with those FACES, with the shock and the fear.  I had her tell them that I was positive that I would beat it, that I didn't want anyone around me that couldn't be positive and upbeat.  So I didn't have to deal with all that.  Now I'm seeing it from the other side.  Now I'm feeling what they felt - is she going to die?  What if it has spread?


I finally got myself under control and was ready when she came over to talk to me.  She is handling it like I did - she is positive, optimistic -  but still in shock.  She only tears up when talking about her son.  At least she won't have the guilt of having a daughter who now has an increased risk for breast cancer.  But he's only 11.  It was awful enough having to tell my 18 year old.  He is a wonderful kid though.  She told him about me - about how I had it and it was a bad kind and I lost my hair - but that I'm fine now.  That just tears me up thinking about it.  I told her some things to expect and gave her a little advice - but mainly I listened and told her I was there for whatever she needed - and if she thinks her son would do good to talk to me or my daughter, we'd be glad to do it.  


And what's REALLY ironic about all this - SHE'S been the one who has led our Relay for Life team the last several years.  She's worked her butt off this year raising money for our team - and she didn't even have any family members or personal experience with cancer.  She's just that good of a person.  Cancer is such a FUCKING BITCH.  

Mother In Law

Tomorrow is my former mother-in-law's birthday.  Daughter and ex are going over to see her tomorrow and I asked if I could go too.  He was very weird about it so I said never mind.  I'm not sure how I feel about that!  


Let me go back and say that MIL has dementia and she and my FIL live in an assisted living facility about an hour away.  They called me last week to ask me to do a legal document for them on this software I have and they were very sweet.  FIL told me he's pay me to do it - to which I laughed!  I told them I loved them both and always would and would be happy to do anything they needed me to do for them.  They asked me to come see them.  I've talked to ex about them several times and he's asked my advice on situations with them.  I told him they asked me to come see them and he thought that would be great.  


SOOO - me asking to ride over with him and daughter for her birthday was not totally out of left field or inappropriate.  So I guess I'm just sort of curious on why he acted that way about it.  We've had lunch with daughter together, we're going in together on buying her a Kindle for her birthday - it's not like we can't get along with each other.  He knows they want to see me and I think she'd be really tickled for me to come over for her birthday (although, I doubt if she remembers it's her birthday - but she does still know who people are)  


I'm just going to write it off to him wanting to be alone with daughter for the trip over and back.  I've tried to honestly look at it and I am being truthful when I say my feelings aren't hurt - I guess I just think it's weird!


So I went and bought a card today and will send it with daughter and not worry about it.  Happy Birthday dear MIL!  I love you very much even if you did raise a nutjob!

Saturday Night

In my disappointment at not being a slut (haha), I forgot to mention that Saturday night we went to Panama City and had a wonderful time.  We ate at Margaritaville - where we found out it was Jimmy Buffett Day - like in the whole state of Florida - not just there!  Anyway, then went on to Tootsie's which is a country bar and it was great.  They had an AWESOME band with a girl and a guy lead singer that would take turns singing.  They guy was HOT!  We had a very nice military guy - who was originally from CHICAGO! (I think I need to move to Chicago!!) talk to us both and danced with us.


  It was so much fun - I didn't have nearly this much fun when I was younger at places like that.  I can't just blame it on ex - although when he was with me that was part of it because he didn't like to dance and he was terrible at it.  I had gotten where I thought I was terrible too - but I've now danced with two guys that actually led and I managed to follow.  But I went to places without ex and I think I was just too self-conscious to enjoy myself.  They say youth is wasted on the young - and it's true!  But I really just stood there dancing and listening to the band and singing - and didn't care if anyone was looking, or talking to me, or what they thought of me at all.  I was just enjoying the moment and myself.  


My friend kept scoping the place out - but I just didn't care if we met anyone or not.  It was a very pleasant surprise when Military guy started talking to me and asked me to dance.  But I didn't then start trying to figure out how to get him to stay with me all night or fall in love with me or at the very least fall in lust with me!  I just enjoyed it.  


I think I'm finally calming down a little about the "Will I be alone for the rest of my life?" panic mode I was in.  I don't think I will be alone forever - but it's not going to kill me to be alone for a while.  And I can go and do what I want by myself if I want to - and I can have a good time doing it.  I'm not going to pretend that I don't want a partner - we're hard wired to want to couple up, I think.  But I'm also not going to run around desperately trying to find a warm body either.  


I think the only way to be happy - is to BE happy!  I think about that creepy guy at the bar Friday night - and if he wasn't so obviously desperate - maybe he'd have a little more luck.  People want to be with other people that are having fun and comfortable in their own skin - no staring you down and swooping in like a vulture when the other animals leave you alone!!

Turns Out I'm Not a Slut

So I've discovered that no matter how much I think I want to have sex - I'm not willing to just go with anyone.


I went with a friend down to the beach this weekend - and had a blast. My friend was divorced back in September and her ex was a real low life.  He still calls and harasses her. Case in point - he started calling at 5:30 a.m. Sunday morning - which is when we decided he figured out she was out of town.  He tried to hack her voicemail as well.  Anyway - he spent a large part of the last few years of their marriage telling her how she was fat and ugly and no one would want her.  (She's a much sweeter and simpler person than me - my response to that would have been then why the hell do you keep wanting to have sex every damn night?) So she's gone a little wild since her divorce.  She is a big girl - bigger than me - and very country.  I don't mean that to sound snobby - but I guess the nice way to put it is her taste in men is not the same as mine.  She's had sex with SEVERAL men around our town - including some that are just a few years older than her son (he's an adult - she's not a perv).  None of these have been dates - they've been hookups.  I think she's just so excited that men do want her - even if only for sex - that she's just having it with everyone she can!


One thing she's very good at is getting the vibe on who's interested.  So we went to the island watering hole Friday night.  I started talking to a couple of girls who'd driven 13 hours from Chicago for just the weekend (I have no problem starting conversations with strange women - I swear my life would be easier if I was a lesbian!)  There was one guy there who was basically swooping in on any single woman there and was pretty creepy - BUT - if I really just wanted to have sex - I could have had it.


There was another guy we started talking to that he and his buddy (who hooked up with one of the Chicago girls! - they literally left the place and went to his trailer in the parking lot!) were good old redneck boys that were there to put up and then take down the stage for the band.  The one who didn't hook up with the Chicago girl was all over me.  Flirting, touching, teasing.  He was cute - but high as a kite and such a redneck!   BUT - if I really just wanted to have sex - I could have had it.


And finally - there were two guys that my friend kept telling me to go talk to - I just couldn't go do that!  But we ended up moving closer to them to get away from pervert guy and as soon as we were near them, the one guy started talking to me.  He had a very interesting job and I think he was probably very smart.  He travels all over the world and speaks several languages and he was actually kind of cute.  I talked to him for a while - but he was REALLY drunk and just kind of started boring me.  He was very much interested in me - for a booty call - but I just couldn't get into it.  BUT - if I really wanted to have sex - I could have had it.


I started talking to his much more sober friend and really liked him - and he, of course, was married!  But while we're talking, my friend - who was WAY too drunk - starts talking to the other guy and next thing I know they are all over each other.  Married guy and I were kind of laughing about it - but I started asking married guy details on the friend and decided he was legit.  


Anyway - to make a very long story short - friend and drunk guy hooked up.  Married guy drove drunk guy's truck back to where they were staying and drunk guy ended up in my friend's room for the evening.  


So - what this tells me is -  I do have to have some sort of connection to want to sleep with a guy.  I just can't sleep around - no matter how much I thought I wanted to!  I guess that's a good thing - it's certainly a safer thing!  I'm kind of disappointed and amused that I'm disappointed!  I guess the disappointment stems from the fact that I don't think I'll be having sex anytime soon because of my damn moral fiber!  I'm going back to the beach with a large group of girl friends next month - I guess we'll see.  I was attracted to Convention Guy the first night I met him - if I met someone like him now - would there be enough of a connection to jump into bed with him after one night?  I don't know - that wasn't the situation with Convention Guy.


I've also realized that I'm just not attracted to rednecks - and that is certainly the majority of the pool around my town!  I never thought I'd end up with one as far as a true relationship - but I thought that they would be a possibility for a little bit of casual sex.  But apparently, I'm incapable of casual sex.  I grew up in the 70's for God's sake - I'm supposed to be all about casual sex.  Even back then I didn't have casual sex.  I always had a steady boyfriend - and while I did a LOT of sex play with them - I only had sex with two of them - and that was after dating for months and I ended up marrying the second one!


 I guess my parents would be proud to know that even at 50, I just can't be a slut even when I want to!

I'm Back!

Had a great trip - perfect weather.  Too tired to write tonight - but did discover some good things about myself this weekend.

Music

Ahhh - washing clothes, packing sheets & towels - getting ready to go tomorrow at 9!!  Looks like rain on Saturday so we have to get our sun time in tomorrow!


I've discovered a renewed interest in pop music and have been trying to expand my horizons in the last few months.  Ex and daughter always had that in common - ex liked to listen to newer stuff and rap - which I've always hated.  But as deaf as he is - he is better at hearing the lyrics then me and that's what he appreciated.  I got myself an Ipod Shuffle to work out with and downloaded the Grammy nominated song album off of Itunes - and I've loved it.  Just about every one of the songs either relates to my life right now - or it's just fun.


My interest in changing my listening habits has mostly been precipitated by the fact that I used to listen to country music.  And in case you haven't noticed - country music is pretty much all about happy marriages, true love OR unhappy marriages and heartbreak!  I pretty much don't want to listen to either one!  


But my new "theme" as it were is going to be Michale Buble's "Haven't Met You Yet"  - I'm going to post the lyrics in the sidebar.  First of all - it's a great tempo for the treadmill and the other thingy I work out on that I can't remember it's name!  But it's so upbeat and it's basically saying that I know someone's out there and when I meet them - it will be great!  I just walk with a smile on my face and picture myself in that song.


So - I know you're out there -


I might have to wait, I'll never give up
I guess it's half timing, and the other half's luck
Wherever you are, whenever it's right
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life

I just haven't met you yet!

Happy Plans!

Going to the beach, going to the beach!!!  Yeah!  Talking with my friend yesterday - who just got divorced last September.  She'd taken the last half of this week off to spend some time with her son on his spring break - but then he got invited to go to the mountains with some friends.  So.....we decided to go to the beach this weekend.  We've got a big girls trip planned in May - and that will be fun - but this will be just us two "single" girls.  


I was thinking about it and realized, I never really went and did this sort of trip back in my single days - MANY moons ago.  Even before we were married, I was dating ex and the one trip I went on with my sorority to Panama City - I didn't do anything too wild.  I never went on a trip with just one or two girls - it was always a big thing - safety in numbers!  


So we plan to head down Friday morning and hit the beach, go to a local place on the island that night and then Saturday night - Panama City!  Woohoo!  


So not sure if I'll get a chance to write too much - gotta pack tomorrow and won't have a computer there.  So I'll hopefully have new adventures to talk about when I get back!

Sad This Evening

Within the last 36 hours, a good friend from here in town lost his father, an old boyfriend lost HIS father and worst of all another friend's son killed himself.  Too sad.  The two fathers lived long, full lives and it was their time - but it's still sad and I feel for their kids.  I loved the father of the friend here in town very much.  He and his wife - who passed away 1 1/2 years ago - have been very good to me and mine since I moved to this town 20 years ago.  The son who killed himself - I can't imagine - I believe he was around my age.  It just makes me want to cry for her.


Anyway - melancholy tonight thinking about them and teary eyed thinking about my own parents who I love with all my heart.  I can't imagine losing them.  


Ugh - that's enough for tonight.

Part 1 (short & sweet) - Irony! Part 2 - Damn, I'm Proud of Myself

Part 1 - Sermon this morning was about David and Bathsheba!!!!  HAHAHAHAHA!  I almost started laughing - people say that God doesn't talk to them anymore - they just aren't listening!  The point of the sermon was about asking for forgiveness and that no matter what you do and think you got away with - God sees it.  You can run - but you can't hide.  My preacher RARELY preaches on the Old Testament.  Buddy usually goes to the 9 o'clock service - wish I knew if he was there and if he got the same message!


Part 2 - I went hiking today.  All by myself.  I was thinking last night about how I wish the wellness center I go to was open on Sunday and I guess I could go to the high school track or walk around the neighborhood.  But I really don't like either of those options.  The track is boring and it was supposed to get in the 90's today(it did). The neighborhood has too many dogs and it's just too easy to walk around the loop once and go home.  


Ex and I have been on several vacations to National Parks and loved them.  At home - we were couch potatoes - but on vacation - we would hike, raft, walk, picnic - just thoroughly enjoy being active and getting out and doing new things.  The year after I had my cancer treatments, we went to Bryce, Zion & Grand Canyons.  In Zion we hiked the Narrows - which is the place where you may have seen pictures of people touching both sides of the canyon at once.  They're really cool and it's a strenuous hike that involves renting stuff from an outfitter (and obviously keeping track of flash flood possibilities!) - and we did it and I was SO proud of myself and him.  


Every time we'd go on a trip and come back, we'd say that we ought to go hiking around home.  We don't live in a mountain area - but there are several state parks with trails and even going to the mountains could be a doable day trip.  But we NEVER ONCE did that.  We'd get home and get back in our ruts, on our sofa, obsessed with work - and never do anything fun or different.


So last night, I looked up a park that's an hours drive away, saw they had some doable trails and went by myself after church.  I found the old backpack, the insulated bottle, the handkerchief, got the visor and went.   I checked in at the station and got the trail map and a walking stick and went on the 2.5 mile aptly named "Tranquility Trail".  Saw 2 other parties coming back when I started out but other than that didn't see a soul around.  It was hilly and a little challenging at points - but I felt so POWERFUL!  I was doing something out of the ordinary, something just for me.  My poor abused body was still able to haul my big butt around and feel great when it was done.  After I got done with that trail, for my "reward" I walked over to the falls (short walk - saving the falls trail for another day) and just sat and stared at them and I felt so at peace and strong. 


Why do we let ourselves get away from that?  Why do we sit our flabby butts on a sofa and feel sorry for ourselves?  I KNOW that every time I've gone and done something like that, I felt so good about myself later. But what is it in me that has just let me waller in depression and fat and inactivity instead of go help myself?   I'm not a pentecostal person - but I truly believe it's the devil riding your back.   When you look at the mechanics of the human body - they're amazing - they're a miracle.  But instead of appreciating the gift we've been given, we let that damn devil whisper in our souls - "Ugh, you'll get sweaty if you go walking.  You're too tired to go to the gym.  Wouldn't a bag of M&M's and a night of TV be relaxing?  You don't have the time to work out".


And just like Eve - it's so easy to listen to him.  But just like Eve - he doesn't give a damn about me!  So I've shut that voice OUT.  I'm going to be the person I want to be - the healthy, fit and active person that I want to be.  The person that God created and that HE wants me to be.  

Ok-k-k-k-ay - That Was WEIRD!

Yesterday I was talking with my girlfriends at work and we were making plans for next Saturday when some event is gong on in the next town.  They've decided that the 3 of us that are single are going to go over there on Saturday.  While we were talking my buddy that I've known since we moved to town over 20 years ago came in.  He works in our warehouse and is married.  He's been friends with ex and I since we moved here.  He and his wife moved here in May almost 21 years ago, we moved here in August and we all joined the same church.  


Anyway ... He's the one that ex didn't call for 3 months until I made him call about helping him get the rest of his stuff out (which BTW - is still not gone - but the big sofa and the grills are!)  So the reason he came in my office was to bring a TV cart over that I had ordered.  I asked him to stick it in the car and also said if he got a chance to stop by the house this weekend and bring it up to my room because it was too heavy.  (Ex & I have gotten buddy to help us with stuff like that for years.  Our daughter has even called him when she couldn't get us and had locked her keys in her car.  He's that kind of friend - so it wasn't anything suggestive when I asked him to bring the cart up to my room) Well, he stood there and laughed with us and listened in on some of the conversation - which was fine.  And I made a joke that my friends were trying to get me laid.  


Soooo today he drops by to take the cart up to the room.  Then, before he leaves, he turns at the door and says:


"One more thing - I couldn't say anything in front of the posse there - but I heard what ya'll were talking about."


Me (laughing) - "Oh, you mean about getting laid?"


Him (NOT laughing) - "Yeah, did you mean that?"


Me (still clueless) - "Yeah! You got someone for me?"


Him (lifts his eyebrows like "duh")


Me - (NOT LAUGHING ANYMORE!) "You mean YOU???"


Him - "Yeah, we'd keep it just between us."

Me - "duh, duh, duh" (OMG, OMG, OMG)


Me - "YOU'RE MARRIED!"


Him - "My marriage is exactly where yours was."


Me - "Then why don't you get a divorce? Ohhh - you waiting on the kids, right?"


Him - "Yes - I've got about three more years.  But if things don't change then I'm out of there."


Me - "I don't think I'm to that point yet, Buddy. As bad as things were with Ex and me, I never even considered cheating on him."


Him - "Well, if you get the itch - just call.  No one would think anything about my truck being over here. You could say you need some furniture moved and we could both move something."


Me - "Ok-k-k-k-ay"


OH MY GOD!  There was a little more conversation - but that was the gist of it.  Although when he said that about 3 more years, I said I understood.  I get along okay with his wife - but she's VERY obnoxious - she's one of these that's smart, but very insecure and so she wants to hog any and all conversations so you can see how smart and "good" she is.  She does lots of church work, including a prison ministry - but she makes sure EVERYONE knows it. 


 She also weighs at least 350 pounds - so I know I look GOOD compared to that!  But I told him I didn't blame him because she isn't very nice to him.  And she isn't. I've said for a long time I didn't know how he put up with her.  She talks very badly about him and puts him down at any and all opportunities.  I guess it's very judgmental of me, but I can't help but think that she's lucky she got ANYONE to marry her (although supposedly she wasn't that big when they married - don't know) - let alone someone as nice and easy going as "Buddy".


BUT - is that the real reason I'm saying no?  I'm not attracted to him at all like that - but I like him a lot for a friend.  He's a good fellow - but not someone I'd really want to be with.  If he was better looking, better educated - would I be so morally superior?  I'm really afraid that I wouldn't.  What does that say about me?  All my talk about being so against cheating - is it because the opportunity never came up before?  I can say that I NEVER gave off the "vibes" that I was open for business when I was married.  But now I'm not married - so do I just say it's okay as long as it's not ME?  Especially when I know from my personal knowledge that they don't have a good marriage - it's not just some man saying that to me?


I guess it's good to know that I'm not so desperate for sex that I'd just take anybody.  But it's not so good to know that the only thing holding me back is my attraction level - not my morality level.

I got inordinately mad at my ex today - just sitting there thinking about another Friday night with nothing to do and thought - Fuck you.  Why did you have to turn into such a loser that I was relieved when you asked for a divorce?  Why did I follow you to this tiny ass podunk town that is great when you're married and raising a kid - but SUCKS for a 50 year old divorced woman.  


The divorce rate is 50% - where are they all?  Is there a warehouse filled with eligible, decent and available men somewhere?  Honestly - I don't have a clue how to meet anyone in this town or any other town for that matter -  without hanging out at a bar.  And I hated that shit when I was young!  


I'm going to   well - scratch what I was writing - I was going to say that I was going to the Braves game tomorrow with my parents just so I can make sure I'm doing something!  But apparently Atlanta is all fired up about baseball since we made it to the playoffs last year and there aren't any tickets left that are together.  So as loserish as I felt tagging along once again with my parents - I don't even have that now.  


I'm really not as depressed as this post sounds - just kind of pissed off I guess!  

How Honest Can You Really Be?

Wow - crazy week - been in classes and it's amazing how much mental tiredness wears you out!


Conference guy was put back in the front of my mind oddly enough because of this class.  The guy teaching it is from the company who put on the conference and we talked about it.  Turns out he knows the whole crew I was hanging out and was talking about what a great guy Conference guy was.  I have really been resisting the urge to call or text him.  I'd really like to talk to him because I really did like him.  But because of all the sex/no sex crap - I'm really afraid to.  I think I'd look like a stalker or something.  Why do things have to be so friggin complicated???  


The way I think about a lot of situations when I'm trying to make a decision or help someone else with one is  - how would I feel if it the situation was reversed and the other person did/said what I was thinking of doing/saying. But usually that's in a situation with someone that there is a prior relationship.  On the one hand - what's the worst thing that could happen?  He'd think I was weird and not respond.  But then it would REALLY be awkward if we're both at next year's conference.    


Once again I find myself in this stupid position - it's similar to my high school buddy.  Although I DO want to have sex with Conference guy - it's not like I want him to move here and marry me!  I wish I could just say that - "I really like you and had fun and would like to stay in touch.  If we're both available next year, I totally want to have sex with you - but I don't expect a "relationship" out of it."  What would happen then?


People say they want honesty - but do they really?  How much honesty can someone take.  And what if he honestly said back to me, "Thanks, but no thanks, I was drunk".  Would I appreciate that? Or would it send me spiraling?  


I hate feeling like a 12 year old.  A horny 12 year old! 

More Kissing

Been doing some thinking lately about Conference guy and decided it's his fault I didn't have sex. (Okay - I'm only slightly kidding) He should have kissed me more.  Men underestimate the power of a good kiss - especially on someone who hasn't been kissed by a different man in over 30 years!  When he kissed me, I practically melted - but then he moved on to getting to the finish line - while I was still warming up!  I didn't even have my running shoes on yet!  


When did grown ups stop kissing?  I mean REALLY kissing.  When we were young and making out, we'd kiss for ages.  I know most of that was because us "good" girls wouldn't go any farther - not for a while anyway!  But even when I did start "going farther" - my boyfriends would always start it off with some major kissing.  And that's what got them farther!  I don't think I've changed.  I LOVE a good kiss.  I love a long, slow, soft kiss with just a little bit of tongue.  I love to be kissed down my neck and behind my ears and then - back to my mouth.  And I've got a GOOD mouth if I do say so myself.  I have very full lips and they practically double in size when I've got some good kissing going on.


Don't get me wrong - I know it's as much my fault as exes that the kissing practically stopped.  Back when we still had a decent sex life - we'd be in a hurry to "get to the good part" - and part of that is because we had a little one that could interrupt at any time.  But there was plenty of time after she got older to spend kissing and fondling - and we just didn't do it.  


I'm going to make that a prerequisite on any future men - got to give my mouth it's due before you move on down the road!  I can still remember those kisses with conference guy and get tingly.  Just thinking about them - how long has it been since just thinking about kissing made me horny???  I'm guessing 30 years!  

Happy!

So happy tonight!  Just had a wonderful shopping trip with my daughter, mother and daughter's friend and bought daughter's wedding dress!  For ----$99!!!  I wasn't even steering her to just try on sale dresses - but went and found this one and as usual - mama finds the perfect dress.  She looked beautiful, I teared up - it was perfect!


For some reason, I was exhausted last night!  Don't know why - couldn't even get up and come down to the computer and fell asleep by 10:30.  Guess I was gearing up for today.


My friend told me that I needed to have a plan for the weekends and obviously she was right.  I'm home alone right now - but I'm happy with that.  I just need to make sure I don't sit around every Saturday by myself with nothing to do but feel sorry for myself.  One thing that was not good about today was sitting in front of mirrors all day - ugh - still have a long way to go.  But I feel good about the fact that I have been working out regularly - I've got time to get there - today is 1 year and 2 months from her wedding.  


Not in much of an introspective "writing" mood today - but I have been doing some major thinking about some topics for later.