While I was gone on my cruise, ex stayed at the house and took care of daughter & fiance's dogs and my cats. Last night he came over for a little bit because he forgot something there and we talked a little. He was asking about the cruise and wanted me to tell him about it. It occurred to me in the middle of the conversation - this is like talking to a buddy at church. Which is good - but it's also weird - we were married over 28 years and we dated for 5 years before that. When I'm near him, when I talk to him - there is nothing there but friendship. I don't miss him, I don't want him, I don't need him. I wonder how long it's been like that? You don't get like that in just 4 months of separation and 2 months of divorce - that's pretty much where I was when we separated which is why it wasn't any big deal. How long did we just live in the same house, love the same child but have absolutely no strong feelings for each other? I know when he had his heart attack 2 years ago I wasn't nearly as upset as I should have been if I still was in love with him.
When he had his heart attack it was at the end of an incredibly manic phase - which is what sent him into the heart attack. He went 4 days with no sleep and you couldn't shut him up. I tried to talk to him about it and he got FURIOUS with me. My daughter and her friend who is like a second daughter talked to him and he didn't believe them - he did not believe he was the least bit manic! He was seeing a psychiatrist at the time and daughter and friend were on the way back from taking ex to see him and get his meds changed when the heart attack happened - otherwise he would have been alone at work and probably ended up dying. But when I got to the hospital - he wouldn't let me come back - he only wanted our daughter. And instead of worry, regret, fear - I mainly was pissed off. This jerk is dying and he won't let me come back there? After all I've put up with? If it wasn't for me he wouldn't even have insurance.
My other emotion was embarrassment - my parents were there, work friends, people from church - how do you tell people that your possibly dying husband is so mad at you he won't let you come be with him? How do you explain the "reason" - which had no reason - that he was mad. And finally I thought - wow - I wonder if he's going to die? If he had - would I have felt the "proper" feelings then? I don't know. He calmed down and I went with him to the big hospital they transferred him to and a week later we went on our planned vacation and things were fine. But if he hadn't had the heart attack - would we have stayed together the last 2 years?
But I digress - when did I stop being in love with him? I think it was way longer ago then I realized. I hear all the time of people that fight like cats and dogs but stay together because the sex was good. We didn't fight - we just simmered. And the sex sucked. I think with me it was he still made me laugh - and he still does when he's not depressed. I live in a small town and I don't know anyone here that can make me laugh like he does - and that's important to me. When I had my meltdown a few weeks ago that was part of it - how will I ever meet anyone here that I can enjoy like I did ex when he was good? I realize now that I was using tunnel vision - it's not like there aren't other cities nearby - but I know a large part as well was I didn't feel "datable" so I just stuck it out rather than face the unknown. I kept going through the charade of marriage rather than face the possibility of something else that may or may not be better. One of the main things I accuse him of is letting fear rule his life - but wasn't I doing the same thing?
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