Married woman panties vs sexy panties

I guess the very title of this gives quite an insight into the problems with my marriage.  In all fairness, I NEVER had cute panties growing up.  I don't know if they weren't out there yet in the 70's and 80's - but my Mom was always a cotton brief person and so was I - even when I was thin.  But I realized when part of my fear with conference guy was that I had on ugly panties with a stained crotch - that married panties were NOT the look I wanted for my first sexual encounter with another man in 33 years.  


So it occurred to me - why didn't I care about that with my husband?  Even when we were younger, I might occasionally get "special" occasion panties - but why wasn't every day a special occasion?  And I NEVER owned a cute bra - a combination of too cheap and too broke.  Now it's pretty much impossible to have a cute bra until I get reconstruction because I have to wear a mastectomy bra.  Ugh.  So ex, I apologize for not giving a crap about whether you would appreciate sexy panties or not - even back when things were pretty good between us. 


A friend of mine put together a picture montage of our girls trips to the beach over the past 4 years- and I've got on the same damn clothes in most of them.  So it's not just a panty thing - I think it's been an "I don't give a shit about myself"  thing for the last 10 years.  I've been a classic case of "when I lose weight I'm going to......."  fill in the blank.  I treated me like I didn't matter, I put myself as a low priority - of course my ex would - why not?  If I didn't give a shit why should he?  


I read an article in a magazine today by Olivia Wilde - the hot chick from House - who talked about wearing high heeled booties because they made her feel powerful.  Her point was that women dress up, fix their hair, etc - not for men - but because of how it makes them feel about themselves.  So I'm guessing the worn out khaki's, baggy jeans and dumpy shirts I used to wear pretty much told how I felt about myself.  


So late yesterday afternoon I went out for some retail therapy and pretty much bought all new clothes to wear on my cruise.  I've never felt so indulgent in my life - especially considering that they will be too big for me next season because I AM going to be in a smaller size!  I was very particular about making sure I got flattering colors, good fits and no "old" lady looking stuff.  My main criteria in the past has been is it comfortable and can it be washed?  I know it's a cliche' - but the cliche' starts somewhere - the divorced woman losing weight, buying new clothes, getting a haircut - but now I know why.  It's not to "catch" a new man - it's because she is ridding herself of her old unhappy life and moving on. Moving on to confidence, to happiness, to freedom.  Most importantly - moving on to love herself.


And I bought some pretty panties!