Just got back from a cruise that was originally supposed to include my ex. My aunt & uncle and their children all planned it to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary (Irony, anyone?) and we were going along with our daughter and her fiance'. So I got my mom to take his spot.
And I had a BLAST! It was so freeing to just enjoy the cruise, lay in the sun, dance and sing and not worry one time about whether he was having fun, did he feel okay, was he ready for bed, what time could he wake up, how many naps did he need, what did he want to do???? His absence was felt only in that I didn't have to tiptoe around what he wanted. I got to think about me, me, me and stay out late and get up early and dance at karaoke and just enjoy myself in complete freedom.
I was the oldest of the cousins there - and I shut the dance floor down every night. I talked to everyone and made friends with old and young. I danced with an adorable college kid from Alabama and discovered I COULD dance. All these years I thought I couldn't - but it's because ex couldn't lead and didn't like to dance. When I danced with someone who KNEW how to dance and could lead - I could actually follow and not stand there swaying back and forth with someone doing the white man's overbite. I partied on Duval Street on St. Patrick's Day and laid out in the sun at Nassau - both things that would not have happened if he had been there.
I know I can't be this self centered all the time - and I do want to share my life again - but I never dreamed I could have this much fun as a single woman. Until I wasn't holding back - I never realized how much I DID hold back, how much I put my wants on the back burner because I wanted him to be happy. And why did I do that? He did not appreciate it or even notice it - he's incapable of it. I don't say that meaning he's a selfish asshole - but he is a very selfish mentally ill person. Our entire marriage I was the one who planned any activities, trips, vacations and family visits. I like to go, go, go when I'm on vacation - I like to see all I can and participate in as much as possible. I realize that you've got to put some down time in there too - but it had gotten to the point where I had to plan the activity around the down time instead of vice-versa. I surprised him with a cruise for his 50th birthday last year and I bet he slept 50% of the day away - not counting the night.
Why did I spend so much time trying to come up with stuff for his pleasure and that I thought he could handle? Why did he spend so LITTLE time doing that for me? The one thing I can remember that he ever truly surprised me with the entire time we were married was a new engagement ring the year I had cancer to replace the one I'd lost the year before when we tiled our kitchen. I've since found out that my mother suggested that to him - he didn't even come up with that on his own. Doesn't the fact that I always tried to come up with special things for him, special celebrations - wouldn't that clue in most people that I would like to be treated the same way? When I actually said the words, "My five year cancer survival date is a big deal to me - I want you to plan something for that" wasn't that clear? I think he might have sent flowers or something - but the fact that it wasn't memorable enough for me to be sure tells you that trying to meet my very clearly spoken needs was just not a priority for him.
I read over this and it makes me ask myself - did he not like the surprises? I don't think that's the case. He was always happy about them - but it just never occurred to him that I might like something like that - or if it did - it didn't occur to him enough to actually sit down and think about something I would like, or research destinations or something to do at a place we were already going. I think a lot of it also was his intense fear of failure. He was SO afraid of failing at something that he wouldn't even try - which in my opinion is the biggest failure of all.
And I had a BLAST! It was so freeing to just enjoy the cruise, lay in the sun, dance and sing and not worry one time about whether he was having fun, did he feel okay, was he ready for bed, what time could he wake up, how many naps did he need, what did he want to do???? His absence was felt only in that I didn't have to tiptoe around what he wanted. I got to think about me, me, me and stay out late and get up early and dance at karaoke and just enjoy myself in complete freedom.
I was the oldest of the cousins there - and I shut the dance floor down every night. I talked to everyone and made friends with old and young. I danced with an adorable college kid from Alabama and discovered I COULD dance. All these years I thought I couldn't - but it's because ex couldn't lead and didn't like to dance. When I danced with someone who KNEW how to dance and could lead - I could actually follow and not stand there swaying back and forth with someone doing the white man's overbite. I partied on Duval Street on St. Patrick's Day and laid out in the sun at Nassau - both things that would not have happened if he had been there.
I know I can't be this self centered all the time - and I do want to share my life again - but I never dreamed I could have this much fun as a single woman. Until I wasn't holding back - I never realized how much I DID hold back, how much I put my wants on the back burner because I wanted him to be happy. And why did I do that? He did not appreciate it or even notice it - he's incapable of it. I don't say that meaning he's a selfish asshole - but he is a very selfish mentally ill person. Our entire marriage I was the one who planned any activities, trips, vacations and family visits. I like to go, go, go when I'm on vacation - I like to see all I can and participate in as much as possible. I realize that you've got to put some down time in there too - but it had gotten to the point where I had to plan the activity around the down time instead of vice-versa. I surprised him with a cruise for his 50th birthday last year and I bet he slept 50% of the day away - not counting the night.
Why did I spend so much time trying to come up with stuff for his pleasure and that I thought he could handle? Why did he spend so LITTLE time doing that for me? The one thing I can remember that he ever truly surprised me with the entire time we were married was a new engagement ring the year I had cancer to replace the one I'd lost the year before when we tiled our kitchen. I've since found out that my mother suggested that to him - he didn't even come up with that on his own. Doesn't the fact that I always tried to come up with special things for him, special celebrations - wouldn't that clue in most people that I would like to be treated the same way? When I actually said the words, "My five year cancer survival date is a big deal to me - I want you to plan something for that" wasn't that clear? I think he might have sent flowers or something - but the fact that it wasn't memorable enough for me to be sure tells you that trying to meet my very clearly spoken needs was just not a priority for him.
I read over this and it makes me ask myself - did he not like the surprises? I don't think that's the case. He was always happy about them - but it just never occurred to him that I might like something like that - or if it did - it didn't occur to him enough to actually sit down and think about something I would like, or research destinations or something to do at a place we were already going. I think a lot of it also was his intense fear of failure. He was SO afraid of failing at something that he wouldn't even try - which in my opinion is the biggest failure of all.
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