I never thought I would feel so full of regret over doing the "right" thing. I never realized until he kissed me - no, it was even sooner than that - just sitting near him, having him touch me on my leg, my arm - flirty touches - that I missed sex SOOOO much! I can't believe how I just turned that part of me off.
When ex and I first met we couldn't keep our hands off each other - this was back in a small southern town in the 70's when "good" girls didn't have sex before marriage. Which is a crock of shit - but we at least had to pretend we believed that and you certainly didn't go around having sex with anyone who wasn't your "steady" boyfriend. I'm a Christian and I believe in doing the right thing - but I really think the no sex before marriage is bullshit - people used to get married at 14 or so - probably because that's when the hormones started raging! I certainly didn't try and fill my daughter with that guilt trip and she and I have a very honest relationship because of it. In fact, I probably get on her nerves because I keep stressing to her how important a good sex life is to a marriage.
I'd say our sex life started going to pot about the time it became obvious that I was the breadwinner in the family - because he couldn't keep a job. He's a screwup - unorganized, forgetful and terrible at office politics - but kept getting jobs that required that he'd be good at all of those things! He had a college degree in communications and wanted to go into radio - but wasted the first 9 years of our marriage on jobs he hated and wasn't good at instead of risk the rejection of trying to get a job in radio. Finally, when he was literally driving a scooter around Atlanta and working several part time jobs, I told him to get a job wherever he could in radio and I'd go there. We were $17,000 in credit card debt, we were very close to losing our house and I was completely stressed out. But I thought it was my job to "support" him and just couldn't understand why people were so "mean" to him. Ugh - Why didn't I leave his ass then? But our daughter was young and he was a great daddy that she adored. I still loved him - just started to lose respect for him. And when you lose respect for someone - you damn sure don't want to have sex with them.
So yeah - I will admit now that I did turn him down a lot. The few times we've tried to openly talk about the fact we never have sex, he's accused me of that and I would deny it. I know now that I was furious with him and didn't even realize it. I was so sick of taking care of everyone and being the only one who was capable of making a decision. I was tired and depressed and never knew it - because everything was all about him. For years he had back pain, then back surgery, neck pain, then neck surgery, shoulder pain, then shoulder surgery, wrist pain - surgery, hand pain - you guessed it surgery! Notice how it worked it's way down - if he could have figured out some sort of finger surgery I'm sure he would have had it! But it was all his fear and depression being held in his body - God knows I couldn't suggest to him that HE was the cause of his pain. I wasn't saying he was a hypochondriac - I do think he was in pain - but I think it was all the repressed shit in him! And I was right by the way - once he finally got on meds for bi-polar all that went away.
Anyway....so I just ate chocolate and got fatter. When that movie came out "Down With Love" I loved it - because it was so true! No sex? Eat Chocolate!! He got fatter, I got fatter - the few times we tried to have sex his back would hurt or I'd get a damn UTI - it was pathetic. So we just gave up - and I shoved that part of me way down inside the fat and said I didn't need it. He became the worlds best and probably most frequent masturbator so that the few times I would try and initiate it - he couldn't get it up!
So the other night when someone actually paid attention to me - I was literally hot for him just from being TOUCHED! and when he kissed me - I practically had an orgasm! I think part of my fear of letting go was that I would literally explode and scare the shit out of him. I had no idea I was still capable of that kind of a response. That even now I can literally think about him kissing me and still feel that way. And guess what good girls of the world? I'm not "in love" with this guy and may never see or hear from again - and I know that and still want to just fly to his town and knock on the door and say - I really FUCKED UP! Please do me NOW! And then just fly home!
When ex and I first met we couldn't keep our hands off each other - this was back in a small southern town in the 70's when "good" girls didn't have sex before marriage. Which is a crock of shit - but we at least had to pretend we believed that and you certainly didn't go around having sex with anyone who wasn't your "steady" boyfriend. I'm a Christian and I believe in doing the right thing - but I really think the no sex before marriage is bullshit - people used to get married at 14 or so - probably because that's when the hormones started raging! I certainly didn't try and fill my daughter with that guilt trip and she and I have a very honest relationship because of it. In fact, I probably get on her nerves because I keep stressing to her how important a good sex life is to a marriage.
I'd say our sex life started going to pot about the time it became obvious that I was the breadwinner in the family - because he couldn't keep a job. He's a screwup - unorganized, forgetful and terrible at office politics - but kept getting jobs that required that he'd be good at all of those things! He had a college degree in communications and wanted to go into radio - but wasted the first 9 years of our marriage on jobs he hated and wasn't good at instead of risk the rejection of trying to get a job in radio. Finally, when he was literally driving a scooter around Atlanta and working several part time jobs, I told him to get a job wherever he could in radio and I'd go there. We were $17,000 in credit card debt, we were very close to losing our house and I was completely stressed out. But I thought it was my job to "support" him and just couldn't understand why people were so "mean" to him. Ugh - Why didn't I leave his ass then? But our daughter was young and he was a great daddy that she adored. I still loved him - just started to lose respect for him. And when you lose respect for someone - you damn sure don't want to have sex with them.
So yeah - I will admit now that I did turn him down a lot. The few times we've tried to openly talk about the fact we never have sex, he's accused me of that and I would deny it. I know now that I was furious with him and didn't even realize it. I was so sick of taking care of everyone and being the only one who was capable of making a decision. I was tired and depressed and never knew it - because everything was all about him. For years he had back pain, then back surgery, neck pain, then neck surgery, shoulder pain, then shoulder surgery, wrist pain - surgery, hand pain - you guessed it surgery! Notice how it worked it's way down - if he could have figured out some sort of finger surgery I'm sure he would have had it! But it was all his fear and depression being held in his body - God knows I couldn't suggest to him that HE was the cause of his pain. I wasn't saying he was a hypochondriac - I do think he was in pain - but I think it was all the repressed shit in him! And I was right by the way - once he finally got on meds for bi-polar all that went away.
Anyway....so I just ate chocolate and got fatter. When that movie came out "Down With Love" I loved it - because it was so true! No sex? Eat Chocolate!! He got fatter, I got fatter - the few times we tried to have sex his back would hurt or I'd get a damn UTI - it was pathetic. So we just gave up - and I shoved that part of me way down inside the fat and said I didn't need it. He became the worlds best and probably most frequent masturbator so that the few times I would try and initiate it - he couldn't get it up!
So the other night when someone actually paid attention to me - I was literally hot for him just from being TOUCHED! and when he kissed me - I practically had an orgasm! I think part of my fear of letting go was that I would literally explode and scare the shit out of him. I had no idea I was still capable of that kind of a response. That even now I can literally think about him kissing me and still feel that way. And guess what good girls of the world? I'm not "in love" with this guy and may never see or hear from again - and I know that and still want to just fly to his town and knock on the door and say - I really FUCKED UP! Please do me NOW! And then just fly home!
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