Finally feeling more myself today. Actually made it OUT OF THE HOUSE! So my outlook on life is better as well.
My daughter's future in-laws are coming for a visit next week. She's met them a couple of times but this will be the first time since she was engaged. They will meet me and ex and take a tour of our little town to get ideas for the rehearsal dinner next year and see the church. Daughter is very nervous about them meeting ex. She was talking tonight about hoping ex is able to follow the conversation without spacing out and asking them to repeat things. She wants them to meet the funny, witty and personable dad that is there from time to time. And I hope for her sake that he does manage to act like a normal person for an evening.
BUT - I am SOOOO relieved that I don't have to worry about it for me. That it is totally out of my hands and no reflection on me if he acts like a flake. And I know that even if we were still together it would have been totally out of my hands - but I still would have been stressed about it and embarrassed if crazy ADD ex who can't follow a normal conversation was there instead of charming, funny ex. It made me think about how much time I used to spend worrying about how he acted and what other people thought.
When we first were together and married, I was so proud of him - so proud to be his wife. He was so sharp and funny and very easy to talk to. There is so little left of theman boy I fell in love with - but it happened little by little. I was so used to loving him I didn't even notice when "him" didn't exist anymore. I was so good at fooling myself and not looking deeper so that I could pretend everything was the same. And because he was so funny when we were young - I think it kept me from analyzing stuff even then that should have told me where I was on the priority list.
A blog I follow is written by a man who is going through the very beginning of divorce and one of the things he's talked about is how he went to work the day after his first child was born and how that really hurt his wife . Our daughter was born at 10:59 on a Thursday night, so by the time family came in and saw me (this was back in the day when the whole family didn't sit in the delivery room with you!) it was probably 12:30 before he went home that night. The next morning, I kept waiting and waiting for him to show up. My parents came, several friends - no ex. I called the house and he didn't answer. Finally, way after lunch he shows up - he'd been sleeping. Sleeping? Really? He was all worn out from being at the hospital all the day before. Poor thing - it must have really been hard on him (I can't tell you how many times I've wished for "sarcastic" font) I was furious, hurt, and incredulous. But I think I made a joke about it with him. Even then, I didn't want to see the cracks. I'm not sure if he knows to this day how upset I was that he slept in, while I, the one who'd actually GIVEN birth, dealt with the new baby, the visitors, the yucky after stuff that the woman deals with but no one tells her about - by myself.
And that's pretty much a snapshot of our entire marriage. I always dealt with the yucky stuff and he slept walked through our marriage. I always made it easy for him. Did I do it because I was afraid he couldn't? If I had ever just let go and not dealt with stuff and left it to him to deal with - would things have been different? Would he have stepped up if he HAD to? I don't know - never will know I guess. The few things I trusted him to handle - didn't get handled - not until I pitched a bitch fit, or nagged him about it so much that I should have just done it myself. So I didn't dare trust him with anything big. He was and still is a child and I was his "mother". We went to counseling and knew this about ourselves. Our last big fight, he was still blaming everything on me - I'm controlling, I want to be the boss, I won't "let" him grow up. I contended and do to this day - that if he TOOK control, if HE handled something before I had to ask/nag/bitch about it, if he GREW up - that I wouldn't have HAD to be in control, be the boss.
How does someone keep a grown man from being a GROWN man if he wants to be? He never once asked to take over the checkbook. He never asked about the bills - the only time he had any clue about our finances was when I would try and talk to him about it - when I would try and MAKE him be a part of it. And he'd act all interested and say this was good, we needed to do this from now on - and then he'd never follow through. He not only let me be the one in charge - he pretty much forced me to be the one in charge. Never once did he take the initiative on making plans, doing anything to the house, taking care of the yard or cars, deciding we ought to visit someone, picking what to do for vacation, making decisions about school for our daughter, buying gifts for his family, not to mention my family and only once in a blue moon - after she was an adult, buying a gift for our daughter. This man actually would do something stupid and tell our daughter not to let me know. Is that what a grown man does? How was that my fault? But I was keeping him from growing up???? BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT.And for good measure - BULLSHIT!
My daughter's future in-laws are coming for a visit next week. She's met them a couple of times but this will be the first time since she was engaged. They will meet me and ex and take a tour of our little town to get ideas for the rehearsal dinner next year and see the church. Daughter is very nervous about them meeting ex. She was talking tonight about hoping ex is able to follow the conversation without spacing out and asking them to repeat things. She wants them to meet the funny, witty and personable dad that is there from time to time. And I hope for her sake that he does manage to act like a normal person for an evening.
BUT - I am SOOOO relieved that I don't have to worry about it for me. That it is totally out of my hands and no reflection on me if he acts like a flake. And I know that even if we were still together it would have been totally out of my hands - but I still would have been stressed about it and embarrassed if crazy ADD ex who can't follow a normal conversation was there instead of charming, funny ex. It made me think about how much time I used to spend worrying about how he acted and what other people thought.
When we first were together and married, I was so proud of him - so proud to be his wife. He was so sharp and funny and very easy to talk to. There is so little left of the
A blog I follow is written by a man who is going through the very beginning of divorce and one of the things he's talked about is how he went to work the day after his first child was born and how that really hurt his wife . Our daughter was born at 10:59 on a Thursday night, so by the time family came in and saw me (this was back in the day when the whole family didn't sit in the delivery room with you!) it was probably 12:30 before he went home that night. The next morning, I kept waiting and waiting for him to show up. My parents came, several friends - no ex. I called the house and he didn't answer. Finally, way after lunch he shows up - he'd been sleeping. Sleeping? Really? He was all worn out from being at the hospital all the day before. Poor thing - it must have really been hard on him (I can't tell you how many times I've wished for "sarcastic" font) I was furious, hurt, and incredulous. But I think I made a joke about it with him. Even then, I didn't want to see the cracks. I'm not sure if he knows to this day how upset I was that he slept in, while I, the one who'd actually GIVEN birth, dealt with the new baby, the visitors, the yucky after stuff that the woman deals with but no one tells her about - by myself.
And that's pretty much a snapshot of our entire marriage. I always dealt with the yucky stuff and he slept walked through our marriage. I always made it easy for him. Did I do it because I was afraid he couldn't? If I had ever just let go and not dealt with stuff and left it to him to deal with - would things have been different? Would he have stepped up if he HAD to? I don't know - never will know I guess. The few things I trusted him to handle - didn't get handled - not until I pitched a bitch fit, or nagged him about it so much that I should have just done it myself. So I didn't dare trust him with anything big. He was and still is a child and I was his "mother". We went to counseling and knew this about ourselves. Our last big fight, he was still blaming everything on me - I'm controlling, I want to be the boss, I won't "let" him grow up. I contended and do to this day - that if he TOOK control, if HE handled something before I had to ask/nag/bitch about it, if he GREW up - that I wouldn't have HAD to be in control, be the boss.
How does someone keep a grown man from being a GROWN man if he wants to be? He never once asked to take over the checkbook. He never asked about the bills - the only time he had any clue about our finances was when I would try and talk to him about it - when I would try and MAKE him be a part of it. And he'd act all interested and say this was good, we needed to do this from now on - and then he'd never follow through. He not only let me be the one in charge - he pretty much forced me to be the one in charge. Never once did he take the initiative on making plans, doing anything to the house, taking care of the yard or cars, deciding we ought to visit someone, picking what to do for vacation, making decisions about school for our daughter, buying gifts for his family, not to mention my family and only once in a blue moon - after she was an adult, buying a gift for our daughter. This man actually would do something stupid and tell our daughter not to let me know. Is that what a grown man does? How was that my fault? But I was keeping him from growing up???? BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT.And for good measure - BULLSHIT!
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