Am I 50? or 15?

Lord have mercy, I never thought I'd be chasing boys around town and acting like an idiot teenager!  My friends at work have a guy they want to fix me up with.  When we went to lunch today - with me unfortunately NOT at the wheel, they decided to go cruise around to see if they could find him at lunch so I could see him.  When they couldn't find him, they drove out to his business and he wasn't there either.  BUT - as we were finally going to eat, they saw him heading back to work and the driver literally slammed on brakes and turned around in the middle of the street!  She pulled up right next to his truck and then the girl in the passenger side started talking to him while the driver is turning around to me, "Can  you see him?  He's cute, isn't he?  I'm going to open the van door"  Me - "NO - you're embarrasing me!!!  I feel like an idiot."  


So she opens the door anyway!  Ask him if he remembers J who's in the seat next to me and then says, "Do you know Move On?"  He said he'd noticed me before. I smile, say hello - probably 50 shades of red.  


So we finally drive off - He said he NOTICED you - did you hear that??  I was laughing like a fool and feeling like a fool at the same time.  


I know why people used to die so young - so they didn't live so long they got sick of their mate and then had to find another one when they were too old!  You shouldn't be 50 years old and sitting beet red in the back of your girlfriend's van (the van she has for her 2 kids - not a cool make out van from back in the day) tongue-tied and not knowing what to say to a perfect stranger.  I wish I could be like ANY of the girls on "Sex and The City".  They had no problems meeting people and starting up something - I've always felt too stupid being obvious about checking someone out.  I guess that's that '70's "good" girl coming out even now.


Other than that - had a good day - very little coughing and had a GREAT sweaty workout!

Porn

I've been talking with a friend about porn.  Actually talked with several friends about porn!  The day my divorce was final, several of my girlfriends gave me a party and took me out.  They gave me several things but one of the things they gave me was a DVD.  I watched it - or some of it.  Basically the entire thing as far as I've been able to watch is one girl with sometimes two men and sometimes one.  She's either giving them blow jobs or they're both doing her - one from behind, one in front - or she's giving them BOTH blow jobs or some sort of combination of these scenarios.  It does nothing for me.  I've seen porn before - and I sometimes wonder if I've got a little lesbian in me!  If I get anything from it at all, it's usually when two women are doing it.  But for the most part - it doesn't do much for me.


Ex however - that's a different story!  I don't think I really even know how bad his porn habit was.  And while I've been thinking about this, it made me think about all those surgeries to his right arm!  Perhaps if he'd broken up with Mrs. Palm and her 5 daughters - he wouldn't have needed the surgeries! 


He loves to blame me for never wanting to have sex with him - but there were MANY times would he couldn't because he'd beat off too much that day.  Like a damn 14 year old boy.  He also got to the point where having sex with a live woman was not enough to get him off.  He'd have to either watch porn while we did it or beat off after he'd "done" me.  Didn't exactly make me go rushing for more.  It was humiliating and depressing.  It certainly did NOT make me feel the least bit sexy  - and I think it's a pretty fair generalization to say that women have to "feel" sexy to want to have sex. 


When did porn start to effect our sex life?  When we were younger, the very little porn that we ever saw was a little exciting to us both.  But back in the 80's - you really didn't have the kind of stuff that's out there now.  But I didn't think it was any big deal - and of course we were younger, thinner and didn't have a kid yet.  Ten years later - it was a different story.  He'd leave magazines in a drawer that was easily accessible to our daughter. He'd leave them lying around in the bedroom.  One time he left a tape in the VCR.  It made me furious and I told him to get rid of it.  As far as I know, he did at that time - at least he got better about hiding it anyway.  


But then we get to the 2000's when you can practically go in Walmart and buy porn.  You can get it anytime you want on the computer and they have infomercials selling dildos on cable tv. And coincidentally (?) - our marriage basically started going to shit.  Which came first?  The shitty sex life or the porn?  Which one caused the other one?   I don't know - but I know it didn't help.


And I KNOW that after I had my double mastectomy in 2004 - that was pretty much the end of any kind of sex life.  We literally went TWO years once without having sex.  We pretty much would have it on our anniversary and that was about it - and it was VERY unsatisfactory.  It was like a chore.  A 43 year old woman who used to have large boobs - now with no boobs - just doesn't fit the fantasy little 15 year old boys have when they're spanking the monkey - and my 44 year old husband was a 15 year old boy.


He would lie and say that the mastectomy didn't matter - but little Willie couldn't lie.  Just like any teen-age boy - he needed the boobies.  If there's anything that can make me hate him - and sometimes I do - it's thinking about that.  About the fact that he told me the night we decided to divorce that he could get it up - but not for me.  It still PISSES me off - because it's like he's blaming ME for the demise of our sex life.  When I had the surgery, the docs told me I couldn't have reconstruction for 2 years because of the kind of cancer I had.  At that time my survival % was 26%.  It tended to come back and it tended to come back in the scar and on the chest wall.  So they didn't want me to have anything that would delay them seeing it if it came back. 


After the 2 years (yay Herceptin, YAY GOD!) I asked him what he thought.  Should I get the surgery?  I'd had one very close friend and one acquaintance who'd been through reconstruction and they'd both had TERRIBLE experiences.  So I was very afraid of doing it at that time.  So he tells me that no, I don't need to have it if I don't want to, it doesn't matter to him.  Which was BULLSHIT.  Maybe he was trying to keep from hurting my feelings - but that was not the time to do it. (The night we decided to divorce - that would have been the time to worry about hurting my feelings)  That was the time to be honest and tell me he would like it better if I had it.  And I would have done it and I wouldn't have been mad with him about it.  But once again this was his way of dealing with.... CONFLICT - oh God - conflict... he couldn't run fast enough from conflict or what he perceived as conflict anyway.


Would that surgery have saved our marriage? No.  But at least it would have kept him from hurting me worse than he ever hurt me in 33 years of us being together.  Hurt me so bad that I was just totally numb.  I guess the good thing about it is that it pretty much killed any remaining traces of love I had, any remaining thoughts about trying to save our marriage.  But it also fucked me up big time in how I feel about my looks and my sex appeal.  So much so that the reality that Convention man wanted to have sex with me was inconceivable to me.

Bitch Has Been Downgraded to Tropical Storm

Finally feeling more normal today and actually got to go work out - Yeah!!!  Actually worked up a good sweat.


Feeling pretty mellow today and don't have a lot to say.  Just wanted to establish a routine of writing something every day. 


Ex called today and wanted to know if he could move the stuff out to the garage, because friend couldn't help him this weekend - but he could help him this week.  I very nicely told him that no, didn't want it in the garage - as I was picturing an entire garage full of furniture gathering dust, pollen, bugs and possums for the next four months!  Told him it needed to be out by the weekend and they could certainly come during the WEEK - what a crazy idea - if he couldn't come on the weekend.  So I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it will actually happen without my head popping off.  But just for the record, friend called him and talked to him about what to do AFTER I talked to friend!  So ex did not come up with this on his own, but did come up with the stupid furniture in the garage solution!


I caught up on several episodes of shows I'd recorded and one was "Lie To Me".  There was an episode about a guy who was hired by a lawyer on behalf of ex-husband's to marry newly divorced woman.  He'd become whatever the women wanted, marry them, stay married six months and then divorce them and move on to the next wife.  (The purpose being to stop alimony payments - the bad guy would then get paid 1/2 the alimony the husband would have paid for a year)  But the point of this is - he said he'd get these woman right after they were divorced and at their most vulnerable, wondering if they'd be alone the rest of their lives.  I started laughing!!  Yup - another cliche' that I'm fulfilling!  But it made me feel a little better that I have been thinking like that and that it is normal.  And I guess that's the good thing about ex being broke - don't have to worry about some shyster making me love him only to hurt me later!

I Feel the Bitch Coming On

Felt pretty good this morning but as the afternoon wore on - the coughing started again!  UGH - I'm so sick of being sick!


To continue a little on yesterday's theme - I am about ready to go into bitch mode on the ex!  He has left a lot of furniture here that HE wanted and we agreed he would take.  He's been gone since November 12th - the shit's still here.  I've been nothing but nice about it - no hurry, after the holidays would be good, after you get a place is fine... - and as usual when I'm nice and let him take his time doing something - it doesn't get done.  I finally had to keep after him to call our mutual freind that we've known for 20 years and that HE hadn't called in the 3 months since he'd left - about helping him get the stuff and borrowing his truck.  But by the time ex called him - the friend had several weeks in a row that he had other obligations.  Then the friend has been sick the last 2 weeks.


So why am I finally getting pissed about it?  As I said yesterday, daughter's future in-laws are coming next week and they're bringing an old sectional for their son.  Son's apartment isn't big enough for an entire sectional, so they're going to put part of it here until they get married and move into a bigger place.  And it's supposed to go in the den - where ex's Lazy Boy sofa and chair have been sitting for 4 months now.  I need it out of here so I can clean what I'm sure is a mess underneath it in time for future in-laws to bring the other sofa.


Daughter has told him that it's got to be out by April 1.  Let's have a show of hands on how many people believe that ex will take the initiave to either get someone else to help him or actually spend a dime and rent a U-Haul?  Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?


And it's really working me up because this is SO typical of him.  Nothing ever got done when I was nice.  I can't tell you how many times he'd get mad at me because I would finally blow my top over something - and it would be something minor - but it was after I'd asked nicely for a week.  The only thing that would get him off his lazy butt was for me to be a bitch about it - and then he'd talk about what a bitch I was.  I can't tell you how many conversations we'd have about ways to communicate that would make things better.  "Steps" as it were for me to take and ways for me to ask him to do something.  If I would just ask nicely, ask ahead of time, write it down, make a list.... then he would certainly do the things he needed to do without me bitching.  It was my bitching that made him procrastinate.  I would follow the steps, ask nicely, ask a week ahead of time, write it down, post a list and guess what?????  You got it - not done.  But somehow it was always MY fault that HE didn't do anything around the damn house.


So I've been very understanding and patient for four months.  FOUR MONTHS that he's left major pieces of furniture here.  Four months that he has basically been living in a trailor with a bed, a desk that was left in the trailer and a TV.  No sofa, no chairs, no end tables, no chest of drawers.  He specifically called and asked for the grill after the divorce papers were signed and I said sure.  The damn grill is sitting out on the deck along with the OLD grill that he never hauled off.


So I'm telling the world now - if that shit is sitting here on Friday when I come home from work - THE BITCH IS BACK.

Oh Grow UP!

Finally feeling more myself today.  Actually made it OUT OF THE HOUSE! So my outlook on life is better as well.


My daughter's future in-laws are coming for a visit next week.  She's met them a couple of times but this will be the first time since she was engaged.  They will meet me and ex and take a tour of our little town to get ideas for the rehearsal dinner next year and see the church.  Daughter is very nervous about them meeting ex.  She was talking tonight about hoping ex is able to follow the conversation without spacing out and asking them to repeat things.  She wants them to meet the funny, witty and personable dad that is there from time to time.  And I hope for her sake that he does manage to act like a normal person for an evening.


BUT - I am SOOOO relieved that I don't have to worry about it for me.  That it is totally out of my hands and no reflection on me if he acts like a flake.  And I know that even if we were still together it would have been totally out of my hands - but I still would have been stressed about it and embarrassed if crazy ADD ex who can't follow a normal conversation was there instead of charming, funny ex.  It made me think about how much time I used to spend worrying about how he acted and what other people thought. 


 When we first were together and married, I was so proud of him - so proud to be his wife.  He was so sharp and funny and very easy to talk to.  There is so little left of the man boy I fell in love with - but it happened little by little.  I was so used to loving him I didn't even notice when "him" didn't exist anymore.  I was so good at fooling myself and not looking deeper so that I could pretend everything was the same.  And because he was so funny when we were young - I think it kept me from analyzing stuff even then that should have told me where I was on the priority list.


A blog I follow is written by a man who is going through the very beginning of divorce and one of the things he's talked about is how he went to work the day after his first child was born and how that really hurt his wife .  Our daughter was born at 10:59 on a Thursday night, so by the time family came in and saw me (this was back in the day when the whole family didn't sit in the delivery room with you!) it was probably 12:30 before he went home that night.  The next morning, I kept waiting and waiting for him to show up.  My parents came, several friends - no ex.  I called the house and he didn't answer.  Finally, way after lunch he shows up - he'd been sleeping.  Sleeping?  Really?  He was all worn out from being at the hospital all the day before.  Poor thing - it must have really been hard on him (I can't tell you how many times I've wished for "sarcastic" font)  I was furious, hurt, and incredulous.  But I think I made a joke about it with him.  Even then, I didn't want to see the cracks.  I'm not sure if he knows to this day how upset I was that he slept in, while I, the one who'd actually GIVEN birth, dealt with the new baby, the visitors, the yucky after stuff that the woman deals with but no one tells her about - by myself.  


And that's pretty much a snapshot of our entire marriage.  I always dealt with the yucky stuff and he slept walked through our marriage.  I always made it easy for him.  Did I do it because I was afraid he couldn't?  If I had ever just let go and not dealt with stuff and left it to him to deal with - would things have been different?  Would he have stepped up if he HAD to?  I don't know - never will know I guess.  The few things I trusted him to handle - didn't get handled - not until I pitched a bitch fit, or nagged him about it so much that I should have just done it myself.  So I didn't dare trust him with anything big.  He was and still is a child and I was his "mother".  We went to counseling and knew this about ourselves.  Our last big fight, he was still blaming everything on me - I'm controlling, I want to be the boss, I won't "let" him grow up.  I contended and do to this day - that if he TOOK control, if HE handled something before I had to ask/nag/bitch about it, if he GREW up - that I wouldn't have HAD to be in control, be the boss. 


 How does someone keep a grown man from being a GROWN man if he wants to be? He never once asked to take over the checkbook.  He never asked about the bills - the only time he had any clue about our finances was when I would try and talk to him about it - when I would try and MAKE him be a part of it.  And he'd act all interested and say this was good, we needed to do this from now on - and then he'd never follow through. He not only let me be the one in charge - he pretty much forced me to be the one in charge.  Never once did he take the initiative on making plans, doing anything to the house, taking care of the yard or cars, deciding we ought to visit someone, picking what to do for vacation, making decisions about school for our daughter, buying gifts for his family, not to mention my family and only once in a blue moon - after she was an adult, buying a gift for our daughter. This man actually would do something stupid and tell our daughter not to let me know.  Is that what a grown man does?  How was that my fault?  But I was keeping him from growing up????  BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT.And for good measure - BULLSHIT!

Why Do I Feel Like I've Been Stood Up?

Okay - sick at home yesterday and couldn't work up the energy to write anything.  Today, I'm somewhat better but still coughing so much I wet my pants and now to add to the little formula of sexiness and high self esteem - diarrhea.


So that once again puts me on the downward side of divorce - it's pathetic how much our outlook on life is colored by our physical well-being.  It makes me understand ex - who was always depressed - a little better.  I know he couldn't help it - but I don't know that it would have made any difference if I had been nicer to him about it.  He'd still be depressed - it was a clinical thing.


But anyway - today I've been thinking about a high school friend that I just don't get what's going on with him.  He was one of my best friends in high school - never romantically involved although I'm pretty sure he wanted to be.  I had no physical attraction to him at all and in high school that's much more important than it is later in life.  We kind of went our separate ways in college mainly because any time I saw him he was drunk.  I got over the major partying phase pretty quickly in college - and I got tired of never having a conversation with him when he wasn't drunk.  He became a Dr. and moved to the larger town an hour from where I live now.  We ran into each other twice when we were both out and about and saw each other at a reunion - but that was it.  He was married, but his wife was never with him when I saw him nor did she come to the reunion.  So fast forward to November, 2010 when I changed my Facebook status to "It's complicated".  I get a private message from him - "what's going on?  your status change raised the red flag" - so I told him and he tells me he's in the middle of a nasty divorce.  So we talk back and forth for a while and we'd chat some on-line - every time he was the one that instigated it.  Pretty much commiserating together.  Then he says, "we live so close it's ridiculous we don't get together some time for drinks."  "Sure", I say, "let me know when a good time for you is".  "Sure", he says.  Then hear from again from time to time - he says the same things but never any specific plans.


This goes on until January.  Finally - I text him - "I'm shopping in town today - you want to meet for dinner?" Don't hear from him until really late and he says his daughter is still home for winter break and he's spending time with her.  "Okay - y'all have fun" I say - "some other time".


 My parents join Facebook and he befriends them and sends them this really sweet e-mail about me.  So right before I went on my cruise, I was up shopping again and text him.  Don't hear anything. Text him again - don't hear anything.  So finally I called him and got his voice mail, "R, I don't know what's going on with you - I don't know if you're afraid of me or really this busy - but give me a call"  So he texts me 5 minutes later - "I'm on a date, I'll call you tomorrow" I text back "LOL - have a good time!"


And.... I haven't heard from him since.  So what is up with that?  It really pisses me off.  I wasn't trying to be his next wife, I wasn't even trying to have a "real" date - I was following up on what HE started.  I really looked forward to seeing him and commiserating our new lives together.  I think the thing that pisses me off the most is it makes me feel like HE thinks I was trying to start something with him and he's not interested.  But HE started it, he kept talking about meeting for dinner and talking, he e-mailed my PARENTS.  So now I feel like this desperate, divorced loser.  And once again, I'm sitting home all day on a Saturday.  I can justify some of it with the fact that I'm sick - but it's not like I'd be doing anything different if I wasn't sick. (literally had to stop typing to go throw up phlegm I was coughing so hard -YUCK!)


I guess what really pisses me off is that I thought that at least I had R as someone to "fall" back on. Someone to DO something with - and now I feel that's not going to happen.  Was that selfish of me?  I wasn't trying to make something out of nothing, I didn't plan to lead him on - I just wanted a FRIEND that could go out on a Saturday night without having to check with husbands, kids, etc.  Someone that I thought was in the same boat as me.  

Creeps

Okay - so much for on-line dating.  I received 2 e-mails today from guys I chatted with declaring their undying love.  Really?  Oh - and their profiles aren't available now and one of them is on under a different name.  


Here's one of them -

"I miss you. I'm just here thinking about you, like I always do. I hope you're as happy as me. The thought of you in my arms right now sounds so good to me. I just want you to know how much I care for you. I can't stop thinking about you when we are apart. I need you by my side. You complete me. You mean the world to me. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You are the one I've always wished for. I never thought that I would ever meet someone as special as you. I love each and every moment I share with you This is my way of showing you how much I truly care for you. I can't really find the words to explain the way i would feel when i meet you in person or when I see your face... all I can say is that I like the feeling that I feel"


Here's the other: 


"hello sweetheart
                  good morning to you my love i really miss you,you are my joy and happiest in my life I know that you want me to sleep but I cannot sleep thoughts of you keep me awake. I listen to the music you suggest(I didn't suggest any music) and all I can do is imagine you. It reminds me of you so happy and carefree I can see you smiling. Everyday I wait I think of nothing but you how did you cast this spell on me. I am love sick this is true no doctor can cure what ails me. I hope this spell you cast on me will stay with me for an eternity. You have a power you see that captivates me; you`re in my every thought. Thank you for the gift you gave me you gave life back to me. When all is said and done you`re the only one for me please grow old with me? I love you and I want and need you to be with me. 

                                                                                    Lots of Loves  "


Does this shit work on people?  Are there woman so desperate out there they buy this crap?  And God help me - will I become one of them?  Will I be so desperate for some sort of romance or attention that I'll believe this garbage?  What is their game?  What are they trying to accomplish?  


They have this thing called "winks" and there were several guys who winked at me - so I click on their profile - nope - profile not there - literally guys who "winked" at me today - their profile is gone.  I just don't get it.  I'm sick and am still coughing and I feel like shit and this just depresses me.  


I'm going to go eat the grapes and ice cream my mama brought me tonight.  It's just like they say in "Grease" - "the only man a girl can trust is her daddy".

Correction to yesterday

Just saw where I left a whole passage out in my conversation with the doc!  That's what tussionex does for ya!  Anyway - for my 2 loyal followers - added that back in - it's where he talks about being a lifeguard!

Tussionex & On-Line Dating

So after that post last night, I actually joined one of the dating sites because someone e-mailed me.  So I joined to find out who it was - thinking "wow - someone e-mailed me, cool - I might get a date" and paid my money to get the email from.... some English guy - who lives in England. As in across the Atlantic Ocean.  Really?  I put I'm interested in meeting men within 50 miles of Smalltown, USA and that's who e-mails me???


But while I'm on there, all these chat messages start popping up.  So I chat a while with a few guys and that makes me feel pretty good, "you're beautiful, I love your smile, I liked your profile etc.." - but I swear all but one of them was either deployed to Iraq or some sort of contractor in Iraq.  The one guy I did talk to for a while lives within 2 hours - but other than that, I've got a guy from England or men so horny and lonely they'd poke a pig!  And the 2 hours guy has a lot of flowery romance stuff in his profile - and cynical me can't help but think he puts that crap because he thinks women want to hear it.  Which I guess is sort of what you should do - but shouldn't you also put your true self out there? And if that is his true self - how do I feel about that?  I pretty much dismiss flowery cards and stuff - but is that good?  Is that part of what made us lose the spark in our marriage - that I didn't do that stuff and neither did he?  I have cards and notes from when we were teenagers that he wrote that are full of romance and deep soul revealing passages  - but when did those stop?  How long has it been since I didn't scoff at stuff like that - I've got to think that can't be a good thing.


So back to the dating site - There is also a place where you can see who looked at your profile - so to me this is - "Here's the guys that live within 50 miles of you that looked at your profile and said - mmmm - not so much - and moved on."  So I'm either going to have to become a contractor in Iraq where I will truly be the Goddess of the Middle East - or.... what?  All you can do is laugh about it right?  Laugh all the way to the single room at the nursing home.


I came home today from work because I literally couldn't talk without coughing so much I'd wet my pants and frighten people nearby who thought a 90 year old homeless guy with lung cancer was in my office.  Before I took my blissful magic elixir (tussionex - the wonder drug) I was talking to my daughter about all this on line stuff.  She tells me that ex said he went to a nightclub by himself last weekend just to see what was there.  This is very surprising to me because I can't think of a worse place for ex to go - he can barely follow a conversation when he's in the same room because of his ADD - and any noisy places - forget it!  But I'm proud of him for putting himself out there. 


 She said there was only one woman around his age that he was remotely interested in and they kept sneaking looks at each other but he couldn't work up the nerve to go talk to her - which does NOT surprise me.  I wish him luck with that - he didn't ask me out when he was young and in his prime until he checked with practically all our mutual friends to make sure I'd say yes!  It's hard being a woman who is waiting to be asked out - but I really feel for guys like ex who are so afraid of rejection but have no choice but to make a move if they want to meet someone.  Daughter also told him that he probably ought to get his buddy to go with him so he doesn't look like a creepy old guy! But I'm glad to report that I didn't have any feelings of jealousy or anger - I really do want him to be happy.


And to finalize this very rambling, tussionex fueled post  - I was at the doctor's today to get a prescription for said elixir.  Let me preface this by saying that I LOVE my doctor and he loves me.  I have always been able to talk to him about anything and he is also exes doctor so he knows all about us and exes bi-polar and all the crap that goes with it.  When we separated - he basically told me I needed to go get laid because he knew how long it had been.  So I told him about passing up the opportunity for sex and I loved his response!


Me - "You're going to be mad at me"
Doc - after shutting the door - "Give me your hand"  
Slaps my wrist and said "Okay - what happened, I'm not mad anymore"
Me - "I totally could have had sex a few weeks ago and turned it down"
Doc - "WHY??"
Me - "Fear! And I have no boobs, and I'm fat"
Doc - "Listen, men can't fake it - so if Willie was winking - you ain't too fat.  And grown men know that the business end is below the waist - teenage boys play with boobs because they don't know better yet."
( Don't you LOVE that - do you see why I love this man so much?)
Me - "I just couldn't get past it at the time"
Doc - Actually what you did is normal.  You haven't been in the dating world in 30 years. When I was a kid I was a lifeguard and every day we had to check the pool.  At the first of every season I'd go up on the high dive and peek over the end and think - I can't do that!  But then I'd walk back, hold my nose like a 5 year old and jump in.  You were just peeking over the end of the board - the next time, you'll jump in.  And if you don't - come back and we'll deal with that because it's all in your head."


So - let's just hope I don't have to go to the Iraqi desert to dive in! 

Ugh

Why oh why oh why is there so much FUCKING POLLEN!!  Yes, dear readers (yay! I have 2) I am miserable today because basically the whole damn world is yellow around here and it has moved into my chest where I can't even giggle without it turning into this freaking old man in the bathroom cough.


And what happens when we feel bad physically?  anyone??  we decide to be down on everything - that's what.  I went and filled out the info at a couple on on-line dating sites just to see - and so today I check back and I've gotten winks and matches - from people that live clear across the country!!  What's up with that?  Aren't they supposed to match you to people that you don't have to get on a damn plane to meet for drinks?  So that of course brings me to the conclusion - there is no one on the eastern seaboard that is interested in me.  The only people that are interested in me live in Chicago, Seattle and freakin' Canada.  So I will be alone the rest of my life - I will become the cat lady and wear t-shirts that have fuzzy teddy bears on them.  I will have the following bumper stickers - 

 
And I will never have sex again.  I'm going to go eat soup, catch up on House and have a pity party while chasing my lung around the room every time I cough it up.

When Did I Fall Out of Love?

While I was gone on my cruise, ex stayed at the house and took care of daughter & fiance's dogs and my cats.  Last night he came over for a little bit because he forgot something there and we talked a little.  He was asking about the cruise and wanted me to tell him about it.  It occurred to me in the middle of the conversation - this is like talking to a buddy at church.  Which is good - but it's also weird - we were married over 28 years and we dated for 5 years before that.  When I'm near him, when I talk to him - there is nothing there but friendship.  I don't miss him, I don't want him, I don't need him.  I wonder how long it's been like that?  You don't get like that in just 4 months of separation and 2 months of divorce - that's pretty much where I was when we separated which is why it wasn't any big deal.  How long did we just live in the same house, love the same child but have absolutely no strong feelings for each other?  I know when he had his heart attack 2 years ago I wasn't nearly as upset as I should have been if I still was in love with him.

When he had his heart attack it was at the end of an incredibly manic phase - which is what sent him into the heart attack.  He went 4 days with no sleep and you couldn't shut him up.  I tried to talk to him about it and he got FURIOUS with me.  My daughter and her friend who is like a second daughter talked to him and he didn't believe them - he did not believe he was the least bit manic!  He was seeing a psychiatrist at the time and daughter and friend were on the way back from taking ex to see him and get his meds changed when the heart attack happened - otherwise he would have been alone at work and probably ended up dying.  But when I got to the hospital - he wouldn't let me come back - he only wanted our daughter.  And instead of worry, regret, fear - I mainly was pissed off.  This jerk is dying and he won't let me come back there?  After all I've put up with? If it wasn't for me he wouldn't even have insurance.

My other emotion was embarrassment - my parents were there, work friends, people from church - how do you tell people that your possibly dying husband is so mad at you he won't let you come be with him?  How do you explain the "reason" - which had no reason - that he was mad.  And finally I thought - wow - I wonder if he's going to die?  If he had - would I have felt the "proper" feelings then?  I don't know.  He calmed down and I went with him to the big hospital they transferred him to and a week later we went on our planned vacation and things were fine.  But if he hadn't had the heart attack - would we have stayed together the last 2 years?  

But I digress - when did I stop being in love with him? I think it was way longer ago then I realized.  I hear all the time of people that fight like cats and dogs but stay together because the sex was good.  We didn't fight - we just simmered.  And the sex sucked.  I think with me it was he still made me laugh - and he still does when he's not depressed.  I live in a small town and I don't know anyone here that can make me laugh like he does - and that's important to me.  When I had my meltdown a few weeks ago that was part of it - how will I ever meet anyone here that I can enjoy like I did ex when he was good?  I realize now that I was using tunnel vision - it's not like there aren't other cities nearby - but I know a large part as well was I didn't feel "datable" so I just stuck it out rather than face the unknown.  I kept going through the charade of marriage rather than face the possibility of something else that may or may not be better.  One of the main things I accuse him of is letting fear rule his life - but wasn't I doing the same thing?

First Vacation Without Him

Just got back from a cruise that was originally supposed to include my ex.  My aunt & uncle and their children all planned it to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary (Irony, anyone?) and we were going along with our daughter and her fiance'.  So I got my mom to take his spot.


And I had a BLAST!  It was so freeing to just enjoy the cruise, lay in the sun, dance and sing and not worry one time about whether he was having fun, did he feel okay, was he ready for bed, what time could he wake up, how many naps did he need, what did he want to do????  His absence was felt only in that I didn't have to tiptoe around what he wanted.  I got to think about me, me, me and stay out late and get up early and dance at karaoke and just enjoy myself in complete freedom.


 I was the oldest of the cousins there - and I shut the dance floor down every night.  I talked to everyone and made friends with old and young.  I danced with an adorable college kid from Alabama and discovered I COULD dance.  All these years I thought I couldn't - but it's because ex couldn't lead and didn't like to dance.  When I danced with someone who KNEW how to dance and could lead - I could actually follow and not stand there swaying back and forth with someone doing the white man's overbite.  I partied on Duval Street on St. Patrick's Day and laid out in the sun at Nassau - both things that would not have happened if he had been there.


I know I can't be this self centered all the time - and I do want to share my life again - but I never dreamed I could have this much fun as a single woman.  Until I wasn't holding back - I never realized how much I DID hold back, how much I put my wants on the back burner because I wanted him to be happy.  And why did I do that?  He did not appreciate it or even notice it - he's incapable of it.  I don't say that meaning he's a selfish asshole - but he is a very selfish mentally ill person.  Our entire marriage I was the one who planned any activities, trips, vacations and family visits.  I like to go, go, go when I'm on vacation - I like to see all I can and participate in as much as possible.  I realize that you've got to put some down time in there too - but it had gotten to the point where I had to plan the activity around the down time instead of vice-versa.  I surprised him with a cruise for his 50th birthday last year and I bet he slept 50% of the day away - not counting the night.


Why did I spend so much time trying to come up with stuff for his pleasure and that I thought he could handle?  Why did he spend so LITTLE time doing that for me?  The one thing I can remember that he ever truly surprised me with the entire time we were married was a new engagement ring the year I had cancer to replace the one I'd lost the year before when we tiled our kitchen.  I've since found out that my mother suggested that to him - he didn't even come up with that on his own.  Doesn't the fact that I always tried to come up with special things for him, special celebrations - wouldn't that clue in most people that I would like to be treated the same way?  When I actually said the words, "My five year cancer survival date is a big deal to me - I want you to plan something for that" wasn't that clear?  I think he might have sent flowers or something - but the fact that it wasn't memorable enough for me to be sure tells you that trying to meet my very clearly spoken needs was just not a priority for him.


I read over this and it makes me ask myself - did he not like the surprises?  I don't think that's the case.  He was always happy about them - but it just never occurred to him that I might like something like that - or if it did - it didn't occur to him enough to actually sit down and think about something I would like, or research destinations or something to do at a place we were already going.  I think a lot of it also was his intense fear of failure.  He was SO afraid of failing at something that he wouldn't even try - which in my opinion is the biggest failure of all.

I'm really impressed with how much I'm enjoying my blog. I guess until you just sit down and free form your innermost thoughts - you don't actually listen to them.  I have e-mailed with a man who is in the first stages of break-up and I think we've both given each other something to think about.


One of the things he talked about was how he thinks men compartmentalize things they aren't happy about - that way they don't have to deal with it. I think women compartmentalize as well - but in a different way.  Men file away and forgot about it when things aren't good and figure as long as no one's crying or yelling about it - things are good.  Women also file things away -  but we pull it out and go through the files trying to figure things out.  Men like to "fix" things - but they like to use duct tape and it doesn't stay fixed. Women know that even after you "fix" it - it can break again.  Marriages would have a lot better chance if we were assigned a counselor from the very beginning!  By the time most of the people I know go to counseling - it's too far gone.


I knew I wasn't happy with our marriage, but I would have stuck it out because I thought it was my duty - I'd married for better or worse, right?  I had made the choice to live my life pretty much together but separate - more like roommates then a married couple.  I can look back now with a pretty undetached eye and see all sorts of signs leading to our divorce - signs from even before we married.  If I had known that he had a mental illness back then - would I still have married him?  Probably so - for reasons I said in an earlier post.


 But as crazy as he is - he was the one that had to courage to say divorce.  And for him - it really was a very courageous act.  He is terrified of confrontation and he told me later he thought I was going to scream and yell and pitch a fit.  Which tells you how clueless he was to where I was in our marriage!  I don't think I ever would have had the courage to pull the trigger.  We both still have our parents and they've been married 52 and 68 years respectively!  Divorce just wasn't an option in my mind.  Everyone goes through a "rough" patch, right?  But damn - when the whole marriage is one giant mine field - it seems kind of stupid to keep walking through it!


So thank you ex for finally being the one with the balls in the family and calling it a game.  I did have a lot of good times and happiness and we have the MOST incredible daughter.  So to answer my earlier question - yes, I would have done it anyway because I would not have wanted to miss out on her.  She would not be the person she is if things had been different.

Married woman panties vs sexy panties

I guess the very title of this gives quite an insight into the problems with my marriage.  In all fairness, I NEVER had cute panties growing up.  I don't know if they weren't out there yet in the 70's and 80's - but my Mom was always a cotton brief person and so was I - even when I was thin.  But I realized when part of my fear with conference guy was that I had on ugly panties with a stained crotch - that married panties were NOT the look I wanted for my first sexual encounter with another man in 33 years.  


So it occurred to me - why didn't I care about that with my husband?  Even when we were younger, I might occasionally get "special" occasion panties - but why wasn't every day a special occasion?  And I NEVER owned a cute bra - a combination of too cheap and too broke.  Now it's pretty much impossible to have a cute bra until I get reconstruction because I have to wear a mastectomy bra.  Ugh.  So ex, I apologize for not giving a crap about whether you would appreciate sexy panties or not - even back when things were pretty good between us. 


A friend of mine put together a picture montage of our girls trips to the beach over the past 4 years- and I've got on the same damn clothes in most of them.  So it's not just a panty thing - I think it's been an "I don't give a shit about myself"  thing for the last 10 years.  I've been a classic case of "when I lose weight I'm going to......."  fill in the blank.  I treated me like I didn't matter, I put myself as a low priority - of course my ex would - why not?  If I didn't give a shit why should he?  


I read an article in a magazine today by Olivia Wilde - the hot chick from House - who talked about wearing high heeled booties because they made her feel powerful.  Her point was that women dress up, fix their hair, etc - not for men - but because of how it makes them feel about themselves.  So I'm guessing the worn out khaki's, baggy jeans and dumpy shirts I used to wear pretty much told how I felt about myself.  


So late yesterday afternoon I went out for some retail therapy and pretty much bought all new clothes to wear on my cruise.  I've never felt so indulgent in my life - especially considering that they will be too big for me next season because I AM going to be in a smaller size!  I was very particular about making sure I got flattering colors, good fits and no "old" lady looking stuff.  My main criteria in the past has been is it comfortable and can it be washed?  I know it's a cliche' - but the cliche' starts somewhere - the divorced woman losing weight, buying new clothes, getting a haircut - but now I know why.  It's not to "catch" a new man - it's because she is ridding herself of her old unhappy life and moving on. Moving on to confidence, to happiness, to freedom.  Most importantly - moving on to love herself.


And I bought some pretty panties!

Amazing How Just the Thought of Sex Energizes You!

So I totally woke up in a great mood today, completely energized.  Went to the bank and then worked out for an hour.  The guy at the gym talked to me the whole time - thank God because my stupid Ipod wasn't charged - and it was really fun.  Don't get me wrong - he's younger, married, has young kids - but I'm more open to talking to people in general and just seeing where that leads.  (as in - maybe the guy has a cute uncle or something - would never fool around with a married man)  


I believe this new found energy comes from just the thought that I COULD have had sex, that someone worth wanting was interested and there is the slight possibility of it next week.  Yes, I'm going on a cruise!  Woo hoo!  Of course, since ex left 2 weeks after I paid the non-refundable deposit (dumb ass - ought to get my $200 back from him) I am making my mom come in his place.  The whole purpose of the cruise was for my aunt & uncle's 50th anniversary.  All my Yankee cousins will be there with their families, daughter & her fiance are going and me and my mom.  So I really don't think the old "sock on the door" thing will be happening with my mom - but I do plan to open myself up to talk to people - come out of my comfort zone.  I'm great with people I know, after I've been around them a few days - but I am so bad at just meeting people and coming up with something interesting to say.  So I'm setting a goal of meeting new people and flirting like crazy.


It's also occurred to me that because I've pretty much had a steady boyfriend from the time I could bat my eyes until now - I've never just dated.  I've never just flirted around and gone out with different people.  I have ALWAYS had a steady boyfriend - and pretty much as soon as we'd break up - there'd be another one.  But that was junior high & high school.  It's been a LONG time - and I'm in a small town where everyone I know is either married or a redneck that I wouldn't want to go out with anyway.  So it's very scary to think of where I might meet "datable" guys now.  I guess it's no mystery that most people meet their spouses in college - where else are you thrown together with that many eligible people, with the same interests and a party to go to all the time to meet them?  There is no "grown-up" equivalent of that but the Internet, I guess.  But I'm not ready for that yet - a large part of my issue with conference guy was my body image - and it don't look any better in a picture!  


One of the reasons I could just kick myself for not having sex with him is that he KNEW I didn't have breasts.  That is not really a conversation you want to have with someone AFTER you got hot and heavy - but it's kind of hard to get to it before then.  I guess I could walk up to random cute guys and say, "Just so you know - I had breast cancer & a double mastectomy.  So if my fat body turns you on - know that you've got that to look forward to"  Yeah - definitely body issues here!  The workouts will help and the other thing my new sex happiness has brought is not much of an appetite - so that's kind of nice that they're working together!  But the boobs - too bad I'm not a starfish and could just spontaneously re-grow them!  

Do the "Right" Thing?

I never thought I would feel so full of regret over doing the "right" thing.  I never realized until he kissed me - no, it was even sooner than that - just sitting near him, having him touch me on my leg, my arm - flirty touches - that I missed sex SOOOO much!  I can't believe how I just turned that part of me off. 


 When ex and I first met we couldn't keep our hands off each other - this was back in a small southern town in the 70's when "good" girls didn't have sex before marriage.  Which is a crock of shit - but we at least had to pretend we believed that and you certainly didn't go around having sex with anyone who wasn't your "steady" boyfriend.  I'm a Christian and I believe in doing the right thing - but I really think the no sex before marriage is bullshit - people used to get married at 14 or so - probably because that's when the hormones started raging!  I certainly didn't try and fill my daughter with that guilt trip and she and I have a very honest relationship because of it.  In fact, I probably get on her nerves because I keep stressing to her how important a good sex life is to a marriage.


  I'd say our sex life started going to pot about the time it became obvious that I was the breadwinner in the family - because he couldn't keep a job.  He's a screwup - unorganized, forgetful and terrible at office politics - but kept getting jobs that required that he'd be good at all of those things!  He had a college degree in communications and wanted to go into radio - but wasted the first 9 years of our marriage on jobs he hated and wasn't good at instead of risk the rejection of trying to get a job in radio.  Finally, when he was literally driving a scooter around Atlanta and working several part time jobs, I told him to get a job wherever he could in radio and I'd go there.  We were $17,000 in credit card debt, we were very close to losing our house and I was completely stressed out.  But I thought it was my job to "support" him and just couldn't understand why people were so "mean" to him.  Ugh - Why didn't I leave his ass then?  But our daughter was young and he was a great daddy that she adored.  I still loved him - just started to lose respect for him.  And when you lose respect for someone - you damn sure don't want to have sex with them.


  So yeah - I will admit now that I did turn him down a lot. The few times we've tried to openly talk about the fact we never have sex, he's accused me of that and I would deny it. I know now that I was furious with him and didn't even realize it.  I was so sick of taking care of everyone and being the only one who was capable of making a decision.  I was tired and depressed and never knew it - because everything was all about him.  For years he had back pain, then back surgery, neck pain, then neck surgery, shoulder pain, then shoulder surgery, wrist pain - surgery, hand pain - you guessed it surgery!  Notice how it worked it's way down - if he could have figured out some sort of finger surgery I'm sure he would have had it!  But it was all his fear and depression being held in his body - God knows I couldn't suggest to him that HE was the cause of his pain.  I wasn't saying he was a hypochondriac - I do think he was in pain - but I think it was all the repressed shit in him!  And I was right by the way - once he finally got on meds for bi-polar all that went away.


Anyway....so I just ate chocolate and got fatter.  When that movie came out "Down With Love" I loved it - because it was so true!  No sex? Eat Chocolate!!  He got fatter, I got fatter -  the few times we tried to have sex his back would hurt or I'd get a damn UTI - it was pathetic.  So we just gave up - and I shoved that part of me way down inside the fat and said I didn't need it.  He became the worlds best and probably most frequent masturbator so that the few times I would try and initiate it - he couldn't get it up!


So the other night when someone actually paid attention to me - I was literally hot for him just from being TOUCHED! and when he kissed me - I practically had an orgasm!  I think part of my fear of letting go was that I would literally explode and scare the shit out of him.  I had no idea I was still capable of that kind of a response.  That even now I can literally think about him kissing me and still feel that way.  And guess what good girls of the world?  I'm not "in love" with this guy and may never see or hear from again - and I know that and still want to just fly to his town and knock on the door and say - I really FUCKED UP!  Please do me NOW!  And then just fly home!  

First Contact!

I'm starting this blog more as a way to examine myself and try and keep me honest more than anything else.  I am recently divorced after a marriage of 28 years to my high school sweetheart.  We've been (we'd been!) together for almost 33 years - ever since I was 16.  I always thought we had a good marriage - but looking back on it now - I think I just let myself be happy with what was there - or should I say "happy".  I didn't actually look closely at how things really were and completely believed that once you were married, you stayed married unless there was some sort of abuse going on.  He'd say stuff every once in a while - but only in his passive aggressive way for the most part.  He was completely incapable of what he would call "confrontation" - what a normal person would call communicating.  

I don't want this to be about how much he sucked - because he's a nice guy - but he was really a pretty shitty husband for the last 15 years and really as far as "traditional" husband goes - the whole time.  From about the 3rd year of marriage on, I was the one who made more money, I had insurance, I decided we ought to have a baby, I decided we ought to buy a house - I took care of EVERYTHING and worried about everything.  He would just ga-loop, ga-loop along like he was watching from the sidelines and go along with everything I said - but come up with nothing from himself to add to the decisions.  We started out in a mother-son relationship and were 15 years into it before we recognized it.  He lied to me about anything he thought would make me mad....  blah, blah, blah - water under the bridge now - but I need to recognize how I basically stuffed - literally - my feelings down instead of dealing with them. 

I was always trying to "fix" things for him - even in high school.  But he was cute and funny - wasn't that enough?  He was one of the quickest wits I knew and he was very creative.  Ahh yes - NOW I know it was manic depression - then I just thought he needed my support to realize his potential.  The "potential" that he still talks at 51 about having.  Did it matter that he never had a good job and that the job he's had for 20 years now is a crappy job for low pay that became more important to him than me, our marriage and quite frankly even our daughter who he supposedly was crazy about.  But since he's left - it's pretty apparent to me that more than anything she was someone who would listen to his bullshit and feel sorry for him when she was younger and even as she grew into an adult and saw his flaws, she didn't call him on it like I did.  But since he's left - she is pretty much the one that calls him and makes any plans for them to see each other.  He can't get out of his own head to have a real relationship with anyone. 

Anyway - we both got fatter, our sex life SUCKED, and we both thought it was the other one's fault.  What made me want to start writing was something that just happened to me.  I went to a conference for work and flirted with this really fun, outgoing and attractive MAN for the first time in my life!  When I married the ex - he was a boy and still is - but I'm a loyal person and NEVER cheated or even put myself at risk to cheat our entire marriage - the same cannot be said about him.  But this man was interested in ME.  Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying it was love, that it was even romance - it was just fun and major LUST.  The last night of the conference, I could have had sex with someone new for the first time in 33 years - and for the first time at all in over a year.  And I blew it! God knows I wanted to go to bed with this man - he kissed me and I practically melted.  I can think about those kisses now and get tingly.  It shocked the hell out of me.  I wanted to so badly - but the 16 year old girl who was the last person in this body to date took over and I couldn't do it.  Why? Why????  He lives 1000 miles away, he wanted me and I know it would have been SO good - but I am so fucked up about my body image I just couldn't let myself go.  And while that's not all from my ex - it sure as hell is a lot of it.  I'm 80 pounds overweight, I have no boobs (literally - breast cancer) and I was just too afraid he'd get me in bed (and he knew I had no boobs - the fat part is obvious!) and really see me and go limp - like my ex. My ex who told me years after my mastectomy when we decided not to do reconstruction that it didn't matter to him, he was just glad I was alive and loved me no matter what - but who now told me that he just wasn't attracted to me.  Who told me when we had the divorce talk - he was the one who asked for it - that he can get it up, just not for me.  I just couldn't let go of the fear when the opportunity was there.  I couldn't believe that anybody smart, accomplished and good looking could be attracted to me.