Spring Cleaning & Divorce

After months and months of procrastination - I'm cleaning out closets, drawers, clutter catcher corners... and it's been pretty thought provoking.  I'm getting the inside of the house painted and new carpet - so I've been forced to get off my ass and clear stuff out to get ready for that.  And it's made me realize that I wasn't quite so over things as I thought... but it is helping me get there.

Our My master bath has double closets - his & hers.  My stuffed to the gills closet has all my winter stuff, coats, "vacation" gear etc.  Until today, I hadn't moved one single thing into his empty closet.  I'm sure there's all sorts of psychological truths in that!  He's been gone since November 12th - over six months.  I can certainly put some of that off on pure laziness - but when the weather got warm - why didn't I start putting just washed clothes into that closet?  I think it's just the finality of it - I have a his and hers closet and no "his".  

And what do you do with old pictures of you and your ex?  What do you do with the cute framed picture of you and your bridesmaids wearing funny glasses at your wedding reception?  He's not it in - but it's your freaking wedding reception!  What do you do with the framed family pictures?  We WERE a family, we still have a beautiful daughter together - but I really don't want those sitting around on display anymore.  What about the big group photos with my brother and his family and my parents?  The snapshots of his family?  The sweet birthday cards and notes from when I had cancer?  They were real, they meant something - but what do you do with them now?  I've realized while going through this that I still have a very funny "card" he gave me for Valentines under my plastic desk protector at work where he cut out pictures from the funny papers and put his own captions in.  It was so creative - it was so the best of Ex.  How can I toss that away now?  I guess I should at least get rid of it there - but where do you put that stuff?  

I finally decided to keep the group photos - but in the living room - and give the 3 person family pictures to daughter.  I found a picture of just the two of us taken as we got off the boat on the cruise we went on for his 50th birthday and threw it away.  Who wants it?  It was the last New Year's we were together - a New Years that I later found out when we were docked in Key West he was texting a "friend" who was a woman- and telling me he was texting his buddy.  I don't believe he ever cheated on me physically - but he did mentally.  

I've thrown out three bags full of trash in just my bedroom and bathroom and have so far got two bags full of clothes.  I look through my clothes and just shake my head at some of them.  In just the last six months, my style has changed so much.  I have things in there I bought last October that I wouldn't be caught dead in now.  Old lady clothes - fat, matronly, do-not-think-of-me-as-an-object-of-desire clothes.  Happily, some of this is because I've lost weight (which has started falling off FINALLY!)  But I look at so many things and remember how I hated the same old plain blue polo shirts ex ALWAYS wore - and think - how much of my same dowdy looking clothes did he hate?  I, of course, told him I was sick of them - he, of course, never said a word....typical of our whole marriage.

But as I go through this stuff and make decisions - I'm also putting things away in fresh, new containers.  I've got cute organizer trays and clear boxes and am making the closet worthy of a before and after makeover.  I'm getting together the stuff to completely redecorate my bedroom once the new carpet is in and the painting is done.  I'm decorating it exactly the way I want it.  Ex never had any opinions on that - but so many of my decorating decisions were based on keeping something clean and not on what I truly WANTED.  It makes me very happy and I feel calm.  It makes me feel like I really am moving on.

No plans

I've got a very good friend, she's been one of my closest for years now - that bores me to tears lately.  What's up with that?  I can't decide if she's changed, if I've changed, if we've both changed???  She calls and I just cringe because I know she's going to talk about the same damn thing she talked about last time - which is all the stuff a friend of her has left in her home that she and her ex abandoned!  Obviously the woman is depressed and doesn't want to deal with it - but my friend went over there with her and gave her a check for a bunch of stuff that the girl didn't want anymore - mainly doesn't want to deal with - that yes, it's good stuff - but give it a rest.  She keeps calling her, "I just found this in this box - you don't want this?"  "Don't you want to E-bay this?"  Blah, blah - NO she doesn't.  She's told you 20 times now and if you feel guilty taking it - don't take it!!  Otherwise, take it and shut up about it.  Badgering a depressed person about that shit isn't going to change a thing.  And telling me over and over and OVER about it isn't going to change it either.  UGH!


I'm dying to go do something fun this weekend.  Have Monday off and absolutely no plan - except of course boring friend invited me to come to the city and hang out at her place and stitch - and as desperately as I want to do something - I don't want to do that!!  If I stay home, I've GOT to start de-cluttering and getting the house ready for the carpet guy and the painter - DOUBLE UGH!  LOL!


What I really want to do - is take of to Disney World.  Seriously - I love Disney World and we used to go at least once a year if only for a day or two.  It's been almost 3 years since I've been - I'm Jonesing!  This is the part that sucks about being divorced and not having a relationship - finding people to do stuff with you.  Although I actually think I could have a pretty good time at Disney alone - or it could totally suck and remind me of all the wonderful trips we had as a family.


One thing I don't miss - this weekend is the Semi-Annual "ex's surname fest" where his whole family - most of whom are crazier than he is - at least he knows he's crazy are getting together in our hometown.  I'm so glad not to have to go to that!!! But I must admit that it has left a hole.  I've done that for so many years now - that Memorial Day just kind of snuck up on me before I realized I had no plans.  Daughter is working and I really don't want to be at home cleaning out closets and drawers by myself all weekend.

Reconstruction

Today I'm blogging about after the Civil War....


Haha - aren't I just cracking myself up?  No, I went Wednesday to consult with a Oncology Plastic Surgeon about finally doing reconstruction.  When I was diagnosed and treated almost seven years ago, I was told I had to wait at least two years after I finished radiation before I could have reconstruction.  Because of the kind of cancer I had - Inflammatory Breast Cancer - they don't want you to do anything that could hide any recurrence, especially in the skin.  So that would have been March, 2007 before I could do anything.  When the time came, my best friend, who had had breast cancer about the same time I did, had just spent the last 2 years having a NIGHTMARE of a time with her reconstruction.  It totally freaked me out and ex and I decided that I didn't need to do it.


 He was so supportive, "it doesn't matter to me, I'm just glad you're alive. Whatever you want to do, it is major surgery....blah, blah, lie, lie"  So as I've talked about before - he then tells me years later, "um - sorry, it did matter to me."  So I had started thinking about doing this even before we decided to divorce.  As much as anything, I'm sick of having to buy only certain kinds of tops that I can wear this huge, big strapped bra with that holds my prostheses.  I'm tired of being self conscious about it.  And now that I'm divorced - I'm SUPER self conscious about it and I know it had a HUGE part in me turning down Convention guy.  


So anyway - I am super excited about this.  I loved the doctor - he's partners with the guy that did my original surgery and he's the head of plastic surgery at the very prestigious hospital where I went.  I'm going to have what is called DIEP flap surgery - which is SOOO much better than what I would have done if I'd had it back when I first could have.  So once again - Yeah, God and his timing!  Basically, he gives me a tummy tuck (awesome!!!) by taking the fat and blood vessels from my lower belly and using that to make new breasts.  It's micro surgery because he will connect the blood vessels from there to the blood vessels in my chest wall.  I'll then have 2 more out-patient surgeries - one to "tweak" them and one to make a nipple.


It's an 8 hour surgery - Yikes - and will take 6 to 8 weeks to recuperate from - Double Yikes! so I'm nervous about that.  What's funny is this is much more major surgery than my mastectomies were.  The good thing is that this does not take muscle like the TRAM flap surgery that is what I would have had before so it's not as bad as that would have been.  I can't have simple implants because of having radiation.


But - he wants me to lose another 25 pounds.  I'm supposed to go back and see him in August and we'll see where we are from there.  He, like everyone else I've talked to, was very surprised about my polyps!  He agrees that they need to come out. 


So now I'm super motivated to lose weight.  On his scaled, I've lost 15 pounds from my doc's scales in January.  The pants I wore yesterday, that were part of my "fuck soon-to-be-ex" shopping spree last November were practically falling off of me.  So I'm going to start kicking it up at the gym and I'm cutting out all white foods.  My gyno and the doc that did the colonoscopy gave me pretty similar diets - although the gyno says double fiber wheat bread is okay and colon doc said no to bread.  I think I'm going to go with gyno on this - for one thing, it's so much easier to eat a sandwich at lunch then to figure something out without bread.  But also because she has pretty much followed her own diet since last October and lost a ton of weight.   


Now, I just need to figure out the timing!  I really wanted to go ahead and do this in the fall - but the damn polyps are going to use up my Flexible Spending money and so I'd have to come up with a HUGE co-pay out of pocket.  But if I wait until January - I'm afraid I'll be cutting it too close to daughter's wedding to be able to enjoy it!  


Oh, well, I'll think about that tomorrow at Tara.

Gotta' Love Hot Young Men!

Ahh - back from an awesome beach trip.  After a beautiful day on the beach Saturday, we started the party at sunset and didn't come home until sunrise!  The night was like some sort of movie - moving from one crazy scene to the next - but nothing bad like they usually have in the movies!  No one woke up with a tattoo on their face or a broken tooth or a naked Chinese man in the trunk!  Too much to even detail here - but...


The overall theme of the night - was HOT * YOUNG * MEN!  We didn't buy a drink all night long.  Every place we met there were cute, fun guys dancing with us, flirting with us and buying us drinks.  And I'm talking about women the youngest of whom was 36 - the oldest was me @ 50.  Where were these guys back when I was a hot, young women?  Were they out chasing old ladies like me back then?  None of them were over the top drunk, none of them were pushy or inappropriate - and they took no for an answer without turning into dicks when they wanted us to come back to their rooms with them!  


What is apparent to me now - at 50 - is that they were basically looking for the same thing we were - to have a good time with no commitments, no pressure, no girl who thinks she's found the love of her life in one night. I've got to give it to these young men - they're smarter than we are at how to have a good time without breaking their hearts or ours.  


Once again - I have a crazy week and will probably not post again until Friday at the soonest.  I go tomorrow to see the plastic surgeon about my reconstruction.  But I'm more than likely putting it off until January now that I have to go get all those damn polyps removed.  Then a meeting all day out of town.  So good night blogging world for now.

Colonoscopy - written May 12th

Okay - today I had my first colonoscopy.  Partly because I'm 50 but also because I've been having recurring diarrhea problems.  The colonoscopy was a piece of cake - the prep - OMG - IT SUCKED.  Won't go into ALL the disgusting details - but after sitting on the toilet from pretty much 6:30pm to 2:30am  with a short break in between drinking the crap I had to drink - I was peeing lemonade out of my ass.  Literally.  And I now know where the expression "that really chaps my ass" comes from - because my ass was CHAPPED.

But anyway - had it done - no polyps, everything looked good and life is wonderful, right? 

WRONG!

 I ALSO had an endoscopy.  That's where they go down your mouth into your stomach.  I've had acid reflux for a while and they thought they ought to take a look.  I really thought it was overkill when they said they wanted to do it - but I have a freaking $500 co-pay for an outpatient procedure - so might as well get more bang for the buck, right?

I had over 300 polyps in my stomach!  THREE HUNDRED!  My doc - who has his own endoscopy center and does this stuff ALL DAY LONG and is at least my age if not older - said he'd NEVER seen that many, EVER.  That it was a record for him at least.  He removed 79 today - but was afraid to remove anymore because he'd remove one and two more would come with it and start bleeding.  So I have to go back in 2 months and will probably have to go back at least one other time besides that.  

The good news is that he doesn't think they are cancerous or even pre-cancerous - YET.  But they have to come out before they turn cancerous or start bleeding (some of which were) and I have a freaking hemorrhage.   He's sent them off to be biopsied and I'll know for sure next week.

WHY AM I SUCH A FREAK?  WHY DOES THIS WEIRD SHIT HAPPEN TO ME?  I didn't just get breast cancer - I got Inflammatory Breast Cancer - which I'd never even heard of before I got it.  I don't just have a polyp - I have 300 POLYPS!!  I didn't even know you got polyps in your stomach - and apparently the most anyone I know has ever heard of was 10 - 12.  I'm probably going to be in the New England Journal of Medicine!  Or the Ringling Brothers Freak Show.

UGHHHH  - I know I'm being dramatic - but DAMN!  I am tired - no sleep last night then had to be out of the house by 7:30 a.m. to be there in time and then THIS?

Plus - had a hiatal hernia - which is probably what caused the reflux.  He said that he's seen polyps form because of acid reflux medicine before - but nothing like this.  I was so dazed I didn't even ask if I should have the hernia fixed, quit taking the medicine, how long have they been there???? They're supposed to call tomorrow morning and check on me so I'll ask all that then.

Anyway - I'm going to the beach tomorrow come hell or 300 polyps.  I can't drink tomorrow - but they said I'd be fine for Saturday.  I can't drive all the way to PC tomorrow - but my friend is going to drive the car.  I'm going and I'm going to have a blast and to hell with the damn polyps or the damn biopsy.

Busy Week!

Probably not too much posting this week - I'm going to the beach again!! YEAH!!  But having a colonoscopy and endoscopy Thursday.  Worked until 7:30 tonight to get stuff done before I go (and go and go and go) But not sure how much I'll be able to do tomorrow and know I'll be out of it Thursday and gone Friday, Saturday and Sunday!  


Called and reserved the place for daughter's wedding today.  I've been very excited about her engagement and so happy for her - reserving the place made it real though.  Real that my daughter won't be living with me again.  I've been lucky to have her so close for so long - and she'll only be moving 50 minutes away.  But future son-in-law is in TV - and I doubt if she'll be that close forever.  Daughter and I have always been very close - even when she was a kid - but I'd say she's my closest friend in the world.  I can talk to her about just about anything - the only things I didn't talk to her about were things about her Dad and some of the things he's said that hurt me so badly.  


But that's what's supposed to happen, isn't it?  Your chickees grow up and start their own life.  Thank God for cell phones and unlimited calling plans!  At least we can talk everyday no matter where she ends up.


This beach trip is the big "girls" trip with 10 of us going!  TEN!  There's already been stupid drama today but it got settled before it ruined the trip.  It doesn't matter how old you get - there are always little pot-stirrers, drama queens, jealous brats etc!  I just tried to stay out of it and let it settle itself!

A Happy Mother's Day

I've had a lovely Mother's Day - really one of the best.  And it started with my ex putting a card in the mailbox yesterday.  I went shopping with my mother yesterday and bought myself some new tennis shoes - have I mentioned that my tennis shoes have been missing for a month now?  That I have NO CLUE where they could be?  I put them on at work, go to gym and take them off at home.  No where else.  So I've been using these tennis shoe "like" walking shoes I got last year for my trip to London.  They are supportive and lightweight - but ugly as sin!  Anyway - finally gave up and gave them to myself for Mother's Day along with two cute tops!  


But enough about shopping!  When I got home and checked the mail, there was a Mother's Day card from ex in the mailbox that he'd come by and put in there.  It was one of those musical ones that played "Simply The Best" when you opened it and he wrote, "Thanks for making me a better father.  Love, Ex"  I was totally dumbfounded.  It was probably the best Mother's Day gift he's ever given me.  It was unexpected, it was unsolicited, I didn't have to tell him exactly what to get me or how much to spend and it was truly thoughtful.  It made me tear up - because when he gets "outside" of himself and his crazy - he's a very sweet man.  It made me miss the man that he used to be and to see that he's still there sometimes.  I called him and thanked him and had a nice conversation with him.  It was really sweet.  I'm daring to hope that we are finally moving into the friendship that we wanted to save when we decided to divorce.  


Today, my "baby" woke me up with breakfast in bed.  And it wasn't one of those sweet little kid burnt toast and cereal breakfasts.  It was scrambled eggs with cheese, a buttered bran muffin and a bowl of strawberries and blueberries.  Perfect!  She gave me a beautiful pocketbook in the exact Vera Bradley style I had picked out myself when browsing and then we went to church and out to eat with my folks.  She had to go to work and my sweet Mama & Daddy took me to the movies.  


So - all in all - a perfect day.  I also got a very sweet voice mail from one of my "other" daughters telling me how much I mean to her and a text from future son-in-law.  Maybe all the suckiness of last week had to happen for me to cherish the sweetness of this weekend. 

What Makes It Flirting?

One thing I've noticed lately - and it's made me very self-conscious - is that things I used to do and say all the time as a married woman "sound" different as a divorced woman.  I realized the other night at choir that I basically flirt with my preacher.  I'm not doing anything any differently - but we tease each other at choir practice and I've always really liked him personally.  But the teasing and laughing we do used to be done with my husband sitting right next to him laughing too.  Now it seems like flirting.  Is that all that makes the difference between flirting and joking?  Your marital status?  I would be really sad if he started acting differently toward me - and so far he hasn't - but my daughter has even said that she thought I'd date the preacher if he was single!        


I also saw a guy at the relay last night who goes to our church and his wife is in choir with me.  He's just back from Afghanistan and after several years here they are being transferred to Langley.  So I went up and gave him a squeeze and told him I heard they were moving and how pretty the area was up there but we would sure miss them here.  And he starts telling me that yeah, they're moving but L (his wife) was going with him and as long as she was there everything would be great.  Well, of course she's going with him - I certainly know that.  They have one son graduating this year, but two still in school.  I just thought it was weird thing to say - so did it seem like I was coming on to him?  


So that got me thinking about my old high school buddy who started acting so weird after HE contacted me.  I've gotten the vibe from him as well that he thinks I'm trying to "catch" him.  Is my normal manner with people one that makes them think I'm trying to start something?  The entire time I was married, I never even came close to cheating on ex and I've always prided myself on not being the type of person who opened that door.  But I don't think I'm acting any differently toward men now then I always did - is it just because they know I'm divorced now?


And what do I do with this thought now?  I'm 50 years old - it's pretty hard to change my entire manner!  I think I'm generally a nice person and friendly - I just don't know how I'm supposed to "be".  

Long Week

So glad this week is over!  Ugh!  Just one little thing and a couple of things that should have been little that were made HUGE at work - built up and up and up!  We have a customer (who is a customer but also part of a sister company) that is in WAY over her head with her job and she just went apeshit over NOTHING this week.  I can't believe the amount of time I wasted on something that anybody that knows a damn thing about accounting could have fixed with one journal entry on her side.  But she was like a magician - directing the attention elsewhere so her boss won't see the stupid tricks she's trying to cover up.


My company has been "merged" (but for all intents and purposes - bought out) with another one for 8 years now.  And each year, they get rid of more people from our original company and try and make us fit our square peg into their round hole!  This stupid bitch sent this scathing e-mail out to the CEO about us and not only were most of her "facts" wrong, she was blaming us for some stupid budget problem of hers from the month before!  So then the e-mail goes from the CEO to the Group President to the President to me!  If I'd sent an e-mail out like that, I would have gotten fired.  I'm so sick of our company being the red headed stepchild to the organization.  Bitch, bitch, bitch!!


Whew - anyway - week's over.  Went to the Relay for Life tonight - which did not have a good turnout - Mother's Day I guess.  But they raised a bunch of money this last year so Yay Relay.  My friend T and I walked the survivor's lap together.  It made me tear up.  This was my 6th Relay as a Survivor.  This summer will make 7 years - hard to believe.  It feels like yesterday and forever ago at the same time.  There was a lady at the Relay tonight, who I don't know - but most of the town does because she's a teacher - who is dying.  Several of my friends went and talked to her and were very upset and couldn't believe she was there and seemed so calm.  I had a nasty cancer, but I never was given a week to live - but I do know that if you're a Christian, it's worse on your family and friends then it is on the person with cancer.  They've fought the good fight and know where they're going - it's the people left behind that are going to suffer.  But it's a hard concept to understand and pretty much impossible to explain.  When I was sick, I didn't want to leave my daughter and I didn't want to miss having grandchildren - but I was never "afraid" to die.  I believe that's where this lady is at - she's sure of her destination - but hates to leave her children.  God bless her and her family.

Wow - Regrouped Today!

Okay - I'm back to my normal self today!  I went and worked out last night and felt so much better - I guess 4 days in a row of not working out took it's toll on my ability to deal with stress!  But I'm glad to say I didn't resort to chocolate.


I thought about it a lot last night and talked with daughter - I think I just totally stressed out about exes insurance because that sort of thing is "my" job.  I've always taken care of that stuff for both of us - and I felt like I had failed - even though it's not my job.  When we first separated, I can't tell you how many times I had to stop in mid sentence asking him if he'd followed up on this or that.  Telling him he needed to so this or that.  And then for a few months I'd ask daughter if he'd done this or that!  Finally I let my guard down, I acknowledged that it was no longer my responsibility or business - and then BOOM - he loses his insurance.  I actually talked with him about it yesterday and he was making ME feel better about it!  He was very sweet and very pragmatic and took full responsibility for not following through on it.  I guess my little boy has grown up!  I'm still trying to get something done from our end though - so please say a prayer for him - he really does need insurance!


And seriously - I obviously need to exercise regularly - I've become "addicted" to it!  The gym closes early on Friday so I've been going on Saturday morning and then trying to do something else on Sundays.  This last weekend though I went out of town Friday afternoon and then we had a family birthday party for daughter Monday night so I didn't go then either.  Last night I was just pounding the treadmill while imagining myself stomping on Blue Cross executives heads!  Very therapeutic!

FRUSTRATION

Yesterday SUCKED - and today is SUCKING MORE!  


Yesterday was just one little annoying thing after another at work.  I tried to do 3 different things with our so-called next generation in the clouds software - 3 different software's mind you - and either didn't have permission (which I should) couldn't update something because they still hadn't updated CC information I'd spent 45 minutes dealing with on Friday or they just plain weren't working.  Then find out ex still hadn't gotten anything on his Cobra - but when we asked about it they come up with a letter dated 2/14/11 that he swears he never got.  That letter gave him a deadline of 4/18/11.  So he had to write an appeal.  


So today - go in to get blood work done and the Dr. office gave me the wrong paperwork so the hospital is trying to get the correct paperwork from them and still as of 12:30 hasn't gotten a call, a fax or even a human to talk to about it.  When I ran in to get the blood work done - locked my keys in the car.  Have a friend pick me up to take me to the house for spare keys.  Spare keys have been in the same damn place for 6 months - but NOT today!  So have to get my parents to bring me their spare keys to get the car.  Still can't get in the software with the CC problem, still don't have permission for the other one and then ex calls - appeal is denied.  I want to cry.  He needs that insurance - that's pretty much the main reason I didn't bring up divorce because I knew he needed insurance.  I know he's checked his PO Box because he's asked me about it.  I've asked our HR person about it and was told it takes at least a month to get something.  Why oh why oh why didn't I ask about it last month?  Why didn't he ask about it last month?  I know it's not my fault or responsibility - but I feel like it is.  I know daughter will be worried sick about him getting insurance.  


I've called our HR and am going to see if we have ANY leverage in this - and if not - I'm going to see about getting re-married just so he can get the damn insurance!  I am SOOOO frustrated.  FUCK YOU BLUE CROSS.

Osama

I'm very relieved that they got that bastard Osama Bin Laden.  Other than that - I've mostly been teary eyed over the whole thing.  Sometimes with anger - anger that this scum is living in luxury in the garden spot of Pakistan within spitting distance of their so called elite military.  Angry that there are people in this world who looked up to and followed the advice of a coward who uses a woman as a shield.  But mostly angry that HE has lived the last 7 years like a king - 7 years that my friend T's husband had taken from him when he died in Iraq, April 30, 2004.


The first thing I did when I heard the news was text my friend - that I was thinking of her and the sacrifice C had made and that I loved her.  She texted back that her brother had just told her the news and after 7 years - it was a bittersweet ending.  I can't think of it without crying.


So when I watch the people chanting and waving flags - I like the patriotism, I like the singing "God Bless America" - and I'm doing my best to overlook the ones who want to bring politics into it - i.e. "Obama 1, Osama 0 -which is a crock of shit - and just be happy for our country's win here - our whole country's win - and I am so proud of our military.  But I always have been proud of them - not just on Red Letter day's like this.  I always tear up when I sing "God Bless America".  I've always been a flag waver and proud to be an American - no matter who the President was.  But I have to ask - did these people actually lose anyone on 9/11?  Did they actually know someone who was killed due to this war?  Have they held a friend who literally convulsed with grief?  Do they really know what they're celebrating?


  What I saw last night on the news was mainly a bunch of college aged kids - and I hope this wasn't just an excuse to party or a reason to gloat that he was killed on Obama's watch.  Don't get me wrong - Obama's going to get a lot of credit for this and if it had been Bush - he would have too.  That's the way politics works.  But just like it wasn't fair to saddle Jimmy Carter with the disaster on his watch when he tried pretty much the same thing to free the hostages - it's also not "fair" to give the credit to Obama when this mission succeeded.   This has been years of intelligence that finally came to fruition - and the ones who deserve the "glory" are the intelligence operatives and the military men who planned, executed and supported it.


Anyway - I'm making it political and I swore I wouldn't.   I'm not normally one who poops on other's parades - but I can't help but think of all the people who have died because of this ONE insane monster.  And I know that this doesn't mean it's all "over" - and I hope all the people waving flags and celebrating that realize it too.  


But I am sure glad to see that bastard dead - and I know the devil was waiting with open arms when he went straight to hell.