A Happy Mother's Day

I've had a lovely Mother's Day - really one of the best.  And it started with my ex putting a card in the mailbox yesterday.  I went shopping with my mother yesterday and bought myself some new tennis shoes - have I mentioned that my tennis shoes have been missing for a month now?  That I have NO CLUE where they could be?  I put them on at work, go to gym and take them off at home.  No where else.  So I've been using these tennis shoe "like" walking shoes I got last year for my trip to London.  They are supportive and lightweight - but ugly as sin!  Anyway - finally gave up and gave them to myself for Mother's Day along with two cute tops!  


But enough about shopping!  When I got home and checked the mail, there was a Mother's Day card from ex in the mailbox that he'd come by and put in there.  It was one of those musical ones that played "Simply The Best" when you opened it and he wrote, "Thanks for making me a better father.  Love, Ex"  I was totally dumbfounded.  It was probably the best Mother's Day gift he's ever given me.  It was unexpected, it was unsolicited, I didn't have to tell him exactly what to get me or how much to spend and it was truly thoughtful.  It made me tear up - because when he gets "outside" of himself and his crazy - he's a very sweet man.  It made me miss the man that he used to be and to see that he's still there sometimes.  I called him and thanked him and had a nice conversation with him.  It was really sweet.  I'm daring to hope that we are finally moving into the friendship that we wanted to save when we decided to divorce.  


Today, my "baby" woke me up with breakfast in bed.  And it wasn't one of those sweet little kid burnt toast and cereal breakfasts.  It was scrambled eggs with cheese, a buttered bran muffin and a bowl of strawberries and blueberries.  Perfect!  She gave me a beautiful pocketbook in the exact Vera Bradley style I had picked out myself when browsing and then we went to church and out to eat with my folks.  She had to go to work and my sweet Mama & Daddy took me to the movies.  


So - all in all - a perfect day.  I also got a very sweet voice mail from one of my "other" daughters telling me how much I mean to her and a text from future son-in-law.  Maybe all the suckiness of last week had to happen for me to cherish the sweetness of this weekend. 

What Makes It Flirting?

One thing I've noticed lately - and it's made me very self-conscious - is that things I used to do and say all the time as a married woman "sound" different as a divorced woman.  I realized the other night at choir that I basically flirt with my preacher.  I'm not doing anything any differently - but we tease each other at choir practice and I've always really liked him personally.  But the teasing and laughing we do used to be done with my husband sitting right next to him laughing too.  Now it seems like flirting.  Is that all that makes the difference between flirting and joking?  Your marital status?  I would be really sad if he started acting differently toward me - and so far he hasn't - but my daughter has even said that she thought I'd date the preacher if he was single!        


I also saw a guy at the relay last night who goes to our church and his wife is in choir with me.  He's just back from Afghanistan and after several years here they are being transferred to Langley.  So I went up and gave him a squeeze and told him I heard they were moving and how pretty the area was up there but we would sure miss them here.  And he starts telling me that yeah, they're moving but L (his wife) was going with him and as long as she was there everything would be great.  Well, of course she's going with him - I certainly know that.  They have one son graduating this year, but two still in school.  I just thought it was weird thing to say - so did it seem like I was coming on to him?  


So that got me thinking about my old high school buddy who started acting so weird after HE contacted me.  I've gotten the vibe from him as well that he thinks I'm trying to "catch" him.  Is my normal manner with people one that makes them think I'm trying to start something?  The entire time I was married, I never even came close to cheating on ex and I've always prided myself on not being the type of person who opened that door.  But I don't think I'm acting any differently toward men now then I always did - is it just because they know I'm divorced now?


And what do I do with this thought now?  I'm 50 years old - it's pretty hard to change my entire manner!  I think I'm generally a nice person and friendly - I just don't know how I'm supposed to "be".  

Long Week

So glad this week is over!  Ugh!  Just one little thing and a couple of things that should have been little that were made HUGE at work - built up and up and up!  We have a customer (who is a customer but also part of a sister company) that is in WAY over her head with her job and she just went apeshit over NOTHING this week.  I can't believe the amount of time I wasted on something that anybody that knows a damn thing about accounting could have fixed with one journal entry on her side.  But she was like a magician - directing the attention elsewhere so her boss won't see the stupid tricks she's trying to cover up.


My company has been "merged" (but for all intents and purposes - bought out) with another one for 8 years now.  And each year, they get rid of more people from our original company and try and make us fit our square peg into their round hole!  This stupid bitch sent this scathing e-mail out to the CEO about us and not only were most of her "facts" wrong, she was blaming us for some stupid budget problem of hers from the month before!  So then the e-mail goes from the CEO to the Group President to the President to me!  If I'd sent an e-mail out like that, I would have gotten fired.  I'm so sick of our company being the red headed stepchild to the organization.  Bitch, bitch, bitch!!


Whew - anyway - week's over.  Went to the Relay for Life tonight - which did not have a good turnout - Mother's Day I guess.  But they raised a bunch of money this last year so Yay Relay.  My friend T and I walked the survivor's lap together.  It made me tear up.  This was my 6th Relay as a Survivor.  This summer will make 7 years - hard to believe.  It feels like yesterday and forever ago at the same time.  There was a lady at the Relay tonight, who I don't know - but most of the town does because she's a teacher - who is dying.  Several of my friends went and talked to her and were very upset and couldn't believe she was there and seemed so calm.  I had a nasty cancer, but I never was given a week to live - but I do know that if you're a Christian, it's worse on your family and friends then it is on the person with cancer.  They've fought the good fight and know where they're going - it's the people left behind that are going to suffer.  But it's a hard concept to understand and pretty much impossible to explain.  When I was sick, I didn't want to leave my daughter and I didn't want to miss having grandchildren - but I was never "afraid" to die.  I believe that's where this lady is at - she's sure of her destination - but hates to leave her children.  God bless her and her family.

Wow - Regrouped Today!

Okay - I'm back to my normal self today!  I went and worked out last night and felt so much better - I guess 4 days in a row of not working out took it's toll on my ability to deal with stress!  But I'm glad to say I didn't resort to chocolate.


I thought about it a lot last night and talked with daughter - I think I just totally stressed out about exes insurance because that sort of thing is "my" job.  I've always taken care of that stuff for both of us - and I felt like I had failed - even though it's not my job.  When we first separated, I can't tell you how many times I had to stop in mid sentence asking him if he'd followed up on this or that.  Telling him he needed to so this or that.  And then for a few months I'd ask daughter if he'd done this or that!  Finally I let my guard down, I acknowledged that it was no longer my responsibility or business - and then BOOM - he loses his insurance.  I actually talked with him about it yesterday and he was making ME feel better about it!  He was very sweet and very pragmatic and took full responsibility for not following through on it.  I guess my little boy has grown up!  I'm still trying to get something done from our end though - so please say a prayer for him - he really does need insurance!


And seriously - I obviously need to exercise regularly - I've become "addicted" to it!  The gym closes early on Friday so I've been going on Saturday morning and then trying to do something else on Sundays.  This last weekend though I went out of town Friday afternoon and then we had a family birthday party for daughter Monday night so I didn't go then either.  Last night I was just pounding the treadmill while imagining myself stomping on Blue Cross executives heads!  Very therapeutic!

FRUSTRATION

Yesterday SUCKED - and today is SUCKING MORE!  


Yesterday was just one little annoying thing after another at work.  I tried to do 3 different things with our so-called next generation in the clouds software - 3 different software's mind you - and either didn't have permission (which I should) couldn't update something because they still hadn't updated CC information I'd spent 45 minutes dealing with on Friday or they just plain weren't working.  Then find out ex still hadn't gotten anything on his Cobra - but when we asked about it they come up with a letter dated 2/14/11 that he swears he never got.  That letter gave him a deadline of 4/18/11.  So he had to write an appeal.  


So today - go in to get blood work done and the Dr. office gave me the wrong paperwork so the hospital is trying to get the correct paperwork from them and still as of 12:30 hasn't gotten a call, a fax or even a human to talk to about it.  When I ran in to get the blood work done - locked my keys in the car.  Have a friend pick me up to take me to the house for spare keys.  Spare keys have been in the same damn place for 6 months - but NOT today!  So have to get my parents to bring me their spare keys to get the car.  Still can't get in the software with the CC problem, still don't have permission for the other one and then ex calls - appeal is denied.  I want to cry.  He needs that insurance - that's pretty much the main reason I didn't bring up divorce because I knew he needed insurance.  I know he's checked his PO Box because he's asked me about it.  I've asked our HR person about it and was told it takes at least a month to get something.  Why oh why oh why didn't I ask about it last month?  Why didn't he ask about it last month?  I know it's not my fault or responsibility - but I feel like it is.  I know daughter will be worried sick about him getting insurance.  


I've called our HR and am going to see if we have ANY leverage in this - and if not - I'm going to see about getting re-married just so he can get the damn insurance!  I am SOOOO frustrated.  FUCK YOU BLUE CROSS.

Osama

I'm very relieved that they got that bastard Osama Bin Laden.  Other than that - I've mostly been teary eyed over the whole thing.  Sometimes with anger - anger that this scum is living in luxury in the garden spot of Pakistan within spitting distance of their so called elite military.  Angry that there are people in this world who looked up to and followed the advice of a coward who uses a woman as a shield.  But mostly angry that HE has lived the last 7 years like a king - 7 years that my friend T's husband had taken from him when he died in Iraq, April 30, 2004.


The first thing I did when I heard the news was text my friend - that I was thinking of her and the sacrifice C had made and that I loved her.  She texted back that her brother had just told her the news and after 7 years - it was a bittersweet ending.  I can't think of it without crying.


So when I watch the people chanting and waving flags - I like the patriotism, I like the singing "God Bless America" - and I'm doing my best to overlook the ones who want to bring politics into it - i.e. "Obama 1, Osama 0 -which is a crock of shit - and just be happy for our country's win here - our whole country's win - and I am so proud of our military.  But I always have been proud of them - not just on Red Letter day's like this.  I always tear up when I sing "God Bless America".  I've always been a flag waver and proud to be an American - no matter who the President was.  But I have to ask - did these people actually lose anyone on 9/11?  Did they actually know someone who was killed due to this war?  Have they held a friend who literally convulsed with grief?  Do they really know what they're celebrating?


  What I saw last night on the news was mainly a bunch of college aged kids - and I hope this wasn't just an excuse to party or a reason to gloat that he was killed on Obama's watch.  Don't get me wrong - Obama's going to get a lot of credit for this and if it had been Bush - he would have too.  That's the way politics works.  But just like it wasn't fair to saddle Jimmy Carter with the disaster on his watch when he tried pretty much the same thing to free the hostages - it's also not "fair" to give the credit to Obama when this mission succeeded.   This has been years of intelligence that finally came to fruition - and the ones who deserve the "glory" are the intelligence operatives and the military men who planned, executed and supported it.


Anyway - I'm making it political and I swore I wouldn't.   I'm not normally one who poops on other's parades - but I can't help but think of all the people who have died because of this ONE insane monster.  And I know that this doesn't mean it's all "over" - and I hope all the people waving flags and celebrating that realize it too.  


But I am sure glad to see that bastard dead - and I know the devil was waiting with open arms when he went straight to hell.

Pip, Pip & Cheerio

Guilty pleasure - I love this royal wedding and everything around it!  I just baked a batch of homemade blueberry muffins (scones are too dry) and daughter and I plan on eating them while drinking a proper cup of tea out of the good china while watching the wedding tomorrow.  I've printed out the "official" program.  I've set the alarms and DVR's!  I will watch it LIVE so I can see every single moment of it - not just the highlights later.


So yes, I'm a sap!!  But I don't care - weddings are so beautiful and fun and hopeful.  Even knowing how my marriage turned out and the last big royal wedding turned out - it's a time of hope and love and happiness.  And it does appear that these 2 have a better chance then poor William's idiot parents!!  And I went to London last year so I'm doubly excited that I've seen the Abbey, I've walked the route the carriage will go afterwards and I've stood in front of Buckingham Palace.  And wedding freak or not - it's history - so there!


So it's off to bed for me so I can get up at 5:30 and then only work 1/2 a day before coming home for a nap!!  


Best wishes William and Kate - and all you other hopeful couples.