Bitch Has Been Downgraded to Tropical Storm

Finally feeling more normal today and actually got to go work out - Yeah!!!  Actually worked up a good sweat.


Feeling pretty mellow today and don't have a lot to say.  Just wanted to establish a routine of writing something every day. 


Ex called today and wanted to know if he could move the stuff out to the garage, because friend couldn't help him this weekend - but he could help him this week.  I very nicely told him that no, didn't want it in the garage - as I was picturing an entire garage full of furniture gathering dust, pollen, bugs and possums for the next four months!  Told him it needed to be out by the weekend and they could certainly come during the WEEK - what a crazy idea - if he couldn't come on the weekend.  So I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it will actually happen without my head popping off.  But just for the record, friend called him and talked to him about what to do AFTER I talked to friend!  So ex did not come up with this on his own, but did come up with the stupid furniture in the garage solution!


I caught up on several episodes of shows I'd recorded and one was "Lie To Me".  There was an episode about a guy who was hired by a lawyer on behalf of ex-husband's to marry newly divorced woman.  He'd become whatever the women wanted, marry them, stay married six months and then divorce them and move on to the next wife.  (The purpose being to stop alimony payments - the bad guy would then get paid 1/2 the alimony the husband would have paid for a year)  But the point of this is - he said he'd get these woman right after they were divorced and at their most vulnerable, wondering if they'd be alone the rest of their lives.  I started laughing!!  Yup - another cliche' that I'm fulfilling!  But it made me feel a little better that I have been thinking like that and that it is normal.  And I guess that's the good thing about ex being broke - don't have to worry about some shyster making me love him only to hurt me later!

Creeps

Okay - so much for on-line dating.  I received 2 e-mails today from guys I chatted with declaring their undying love.  Really?  Oh - and their profiles aren't available now and one of them is on under a different name.  


Here's one of them -

"I miss you. I'm just here thinking about you, like I always do. I hope you're as happy as me. The thought of you in my arms right now sounds so good to me. I just want you to know how much I care for you. I can't stop thinking about you when we are apart. I need you by my side. You complete me. You mean the world to me. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You are the one I've always wished for. I never thought that I would ever meet someone as special as you. I love each and every moment I share with you This is my way of showing you how much I truly care for you. I can't really find the words to explain the way i would feel when i meet you in person or when I see your face... all I can say is that I like the feeling that I feel"


Here's the other: 


"hello sweetheart
                  good morning to you my love i really miss you,you are my joy and happiest in my life I know that you want me to sleep but I cannot sleep thoughts of you keep me awake. I listen to the music you suggest(I didn't suggest any music) and all I can do is imagine you. It reminds me of you so happy and carefree I can see you smiling. Everyday I wait I think of nothing but you how did you cast this spell on me. I am love sick this is true no doctor can cure what ails me. I hope this spell you cast on me will stay with me for an eternity. You have a power you see that captivates me; you`re in my every thought. Thank you for the gift you gave me you gave life back to me. When all is said and done you`re the only one for me please grow old with me? I love you and I want and need you to be with me. 

                                                                                    Lots of Loves  "


Does this shit work on people?  Are there woman so desperate out there they buy this crap?  And God help me - will I become one of them?  Will I be so desperate for some sort of romance or attention that I'll believe this garbage?  What is their game?  What are they trying to accomplish?  


They have this thing called "winks" and there were several guys who winked at me - so I click on their profile - nope - profile not there - literally guys who "winked" at me today - their profile is gone.  I just don't get it.  I'm sick and am still coughing and I feel like shit and this just depresses me.  


I'm going to go eat the grapes and ice cream my mama brought me tonight.  It's just like they say in "Grease" - "the only man a girl can trust is her daddy".

Tussionex & On-Line Dating

So after that post last night, I actually joined one of the dating sites because someone e-mailed me.  So I joined to find out who it was - thinking "wow - someone e-mailed me, cool - I might get a date" and paid my money to get the email from.... some English guy - who lives in England. As in across the Atlantic Ocean.  Really?  I put I'm interested in meeting men within 50 miles of Smalltown, USA and that's who e-mails me???


But while I'm on there, all these chat messages start popping up.  So I chat a while with a few guys and that makes me feel pretty good, "you're beautiful, I love your smile, I liked your profile etc.." - but I swear all but one of them was either deployed to Iraq or some sort of contractor in Iraq.  The one guy I did talk to for a while lives within 2 hours - but other than that, I've got a guy from England or men so horny and lonely they'd poke a pig!  And the 2 hours guy has a lot of flowery romance stuff in his profile - and cynical me can't help but think he puts that crap because he thinks women want to hear it.  Which I guess is sort of what you should do - but shouldn't you also put your true self out there? And if that is his true self - how do I feel about that?  I pretty much dismiss flowery cards and stuff - but is that good?  Is that part of what made us lose the spark in our marriage - that I didn't do that stuff and neither did he?  I have cards and notes from when we were teenagers that he wrote that are full of romance and deep soul revealing passages  - but when did those stop?  How long has it been since I didn't scoff at stuff like that - I've got to think that can't be a good thing.


So back to the dating site - There is also a place where you can see who looked at your profile - so to me this is - "Here's the guys that live within 50 miles of you that looked at your profile and said - mmmm - not so much - and moved on."  So I'm either going to have to become a contractor in Iraq where I will truly be the Goddess of the Middle East - or.... what?  All you can do is laugh about it right?  Laugh all the way to the single room at the nursing home.


I came home today from work because I literally couldn't talk without coughing so much I'd wet my pants and frighten people nearby who thought a 90 year old homeless guy with lung cancer was in my office.  Before I took my blissful magic elixir (tussionex - the wonder drug) I was talking to my daughter about all this on line stuff.  She tells me that ex said he went to a nightclub by himself last weekend just to see what was there.  This is very surprising to me because I can't think of a worse place for ex to go - he can barely follow a conversation when he's in the same room because of his ADD - and any noisy places - forget it!  But I'm proud of him for putting himself out there. 


 She said there was only one woman around his age that he was remotely interested in and they kept sneaking looks at each other but he couldn't work up the nerve to go talk to her - which does NOT surprise me.  I wish him luck with that - he didn't ask me out when he was young and in his prime until he checked with practically all our mutual friends to make sure I'd say yes!  It's hard being a woman who is waiting to be asked out - but I really feel for guys like ex who are so afraid of rejection but have no choice but to make a move if they want to meet someone.  Daughter also told him that he probably ought to get his buddy to go with him so he doesn't look like a creepy old guy! But I'm glad to report that I didn't have any feelings of jealousy or anger - I really do want him to be happy.


And to finalize this very rambling, tussionex fueled post  - I was at the doctor's today to get a prescription for said elixir.  Let me preface this by saying that I LOVE my doctor and he loves me.  I have always been able to talk to him about anything and he is also exes doctor so he knows all about us and exes bi-polar and all the crap that goes with it.  When we separated - he basically told me I needed to go get laid because he knew how long it had been.  So I told him about passing up the opportunity for sex and I loved his response!


Me - "You're going to be mad at me"
Doc - after shutting the door - "Give me your hand"  
Slaps my wrist and said "Okay - what happened, I'm not mad anymore"
Me - "I totally could have had sex a few weeks ago and turned it down"
Doc - "WHY??"
Me - "Fear! And I have no boobs, and I'm fat"
Doc - "Listen, men can't fake it - so if Willie was winking - you ain't too fat.  And grown men know that the business end is below the waist - teenage boys play with boobs because they don't know better yet."
( Don't you LOVE that - do you see why I love this man so much?)
Me - "I just couldn't get past it at the time"
Doc - Actually what you did is normal.  You haven't been in the dating world in 30 years. When I was a kid I was a lifeguard and every day we had to check the pool.  At the first of every season I'd go up on the high dive and peek over the end and think - I can't do that!  But then I'd walk back, hold my nose like a 5 year old and jump in.  You were just peeking over the end of the board - the next time, you'll jump in.  And if you don't - come back and we'll deal with that because it's all in your head."


So - let's just hope I don't have to go to the Iraqi desert to dive in! 

When Did I Fall Out of Love?

While I was gone on my cruise, ex stayed at the house and took care of daughter & fiance's dogs and my cats.  Last night he came over for a little bit because he forgot something there and we talked a little.  He was asking about the cruise and wanted me to tell him about it.  It occurred to me in the middle of the conversation - this is like talking to a buddy at church.  Which is good - but it's also weird - we were married over 28 years and we dated for 5 years before that.  When I'm near him, when I talk to him - there is nothing there but friendship.  I don't miss him, I don't want him, I don't need him.  I wonder how long it's been like that?  You don't get like that in just 4 months of separation and 2 months of divorce - that's pretty much where I was when we separated which is why it wasn't any big deal.  How long did we just live in the same house, love the same child but have absolutely no strong feelings for each other?  I know when he had his heart attack 2 years ago I wasn't nearly as upset as I should have been if I still was in love with him.

When he had his heart attack it was at the end of an incredibly manic phase - which is what sent him into the heart attack.  He went 4 days with no sleep and you couldn't shut him up.  I tried to talk to him about it and he got FURIOUS with me.  My daughter and her friend who is like a second daughter talked to him and he didn't believe them - he did not believe he was the least bit manic!  He was seeing a psychiatrist at the time and daughter and friend were on the way back from taking ex to see him and get his meds changed when the heart attack happened - otherwise he would have been alone at work and probably ended up dying.  But when I got to the hospital - he wouldn't let me come back - he only wanted our daughter.  And instead of worry, regret, fear - I mainly was pissed off.  This jerk is dying and he won't let me come back there?  After all I've put up with? If it wasn't for me he wouldn't even have insurance.

My other emotion was embarrassment - my parents were there, work friends, people from church - how do you tell people that your possibly dying husband is so mad at you he won't let you come be with him?  How do you explain the "reason" - which had no reason - that he was mad.  And finally I thought - wow - I wonder if he's going to die?  If he had - would I have felt the "proper" feelings then?  I don't know.  He calmed down and I went with him to the big hospital they transferred him to and a week later we went on our planned vacation and things were fine.  But if he hadn't had the heart attack - would we have stayed together the last 2 years?  

But I digress - when did I stop being in love with him? I think it was way longer ago then I realized.  I hear all the time of people that fight like cats and dogs but stay together because the sex was good.  We didn't fight - we just simmered.  And the sex sucked.  I think with me it was he still made me laugh - and he still does when he's not depressed.  I live in a small town and I don't know anyone here that can make me laugh like he does - and that's important to me.  When I had my meltdown a few weeks ago that was part of it - how will I ever meet anyone here that I can enjoy like I did ex when he was good?  I realize now that I was using tunnel vision - it's not like there aren't other cities nearby - but I know a large part as well was I didn't feel "datable" so I just stuck it out rather than face the unknown.  I kept going through the charade of marriage rather than face the possibility of something else that may or may not be better.  One of the main things I accuse him of is letting fear rule his life - but wasn't I doing the same thing?