Oh Grow UP!

Finally feeling more myself today.  Actually made it OUT OF THE HOUSE! So my outlook on life is better as well.


My daughter's future in-laws are coming for a visit next week.  She's met them a couple of times but this will be the first time since she was engaged.  They will meet me and ex and take a tour of our little town to get ideas for the rehearsal dinner next year and see the church.  Daughter is very nervous about them meeting ex.  She was talking tonight about hoping ex is able to follow the conversation without spacing out and asking them to repeat things.  She wants them to meet the funny, witty and personable dad that is there from time to time.  And I hope for her sake that he does manage to act like a normal person for an evening.


BUT - I am SOOOO relieved that I don't have to worry about it for me.  That it is totally out of my hands and no reflection on me if he acts like a flake.  And I know that even if we were still together it would have been totally out of my hands - but I still would have been stressed about it and embarrassed if crazy ADD ex who can't follow a normal conversation was there instead of charming, funny ex.  It made me think about how much time I used to spend worrying about how he acted and what other people thought. 


 When we first were together and married, I was so proud of him - so proud to be his wife.  He was so sharp and funny and very easy to talk to.  There is so little left of the man boy I fell in love with - but it happened little by little.  I was so used to loving him I didn't even notice when "him" didn't exist anymore.  I was so good at fooling myself and not looking deeper so that I could pretend everything was the same.  And because he was so funny when we were young - I think it kept me from analyzing stuff even then that should have told me where I was on the priority list.


A blog I follow is written by a man who is going through the very beginning of divorce and one of the things he's talked about is how he went to work the day after his first child was born and how that really hurt his wife .  Our daughter was born at 10:59 on a Thursday night, so by the time family came in and saw me (this was back in the day when the whole family didn't sit in the delivery room with you!) it was probably 12:30 before he went home that night.  The next morning, I kept waiting and waiting for him to show up.  My parents came, several friends - no ex.  I called the house and he didn't answer.  Finally, way after lunch he shows up - he'd been sleeping.  Sleeping?  Really?  He was all worn out from being at the hospital all the day before.  Poor thing - it must have really been hard on him (I can't tell you how many times I've wished for "sarcastic" font)  I was furious, hurt, and incredulous.  But I think I made a joke about it with him.  Even then, I didn't want to see the cracks.  I'm not sure if he knows to this day how upset I was that he slept in, while I, the one who'd actually GIVEN birth, dealt with the new baby, the visitors, the yucky after stuff that the woman deals with but no one tells her about - by myself.  


And that's pretty much a snapshot of our entire marriage.  I always dealt with the yucky stuff and he slept walked through our marriage.  I always made it easy for him.  Did I do it because I was afraid he couldn't?  If I had ever just let go and not dealt with stuff and left it to him to deal with - would things have been different?  Would he have stepped up if he HAD to?  I don't know - never will know I guess.  The few things I trusted him to handle - didn't get handled - not until I pitched a bitch fit, or nagged him about it so much that I should have just done it myself.  So I didn't dare trust him with anything big.  He was and still is a child and I was his "mother".  We went to counseling and knew this about ourselves.  Our last big fight, he was still blaming everything on me - I'm controlling, I want to be the boss, I won't "let" him grow up.  I contended and do to this day - that if he TOOK control, if HE handled something before I had to ask/nag/bitch about it, if he GREW up - that I wouldn't have HAD to be in control, be the boss. 


 How does someone keep a grown man from being a GROWN man if he wants to be? He never once asked to take over the checkbook.  He never asked about the bills - the only time he had any clue about our finances was when I would try and talk to him about it - when I would try and MAKE him be a part of it.  And he'd act all interested and say this was good, we needed to do this from now on - and then he'd never follow through. He not only let me be the one in charge - he pretty much forced me to be the one in charge.  Never once did he take the initiative on making plans, doing anything to the house, taking care of the yard or cars, deciding we ought to visit someone, picking what to do for vacation, making decisions about school for our daughter, buying gifts for his family, not to mention my family and only once in a blue moon - after she was an adult, buying a gift for our daughter. This man actually would do something stupid and tell our daughter not to let me know.  Is that what a grown man does?  How was that my fault?  But I was keeping him from growing up????  BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT.And for good measure - BULLSHIT!

When Did I Fall Out of Love?

While I was gone on my cruise, ex stayed at the house and took care of daughter & fiance's dogs and my cats.  Last night he came over for a little bit because he forgot something there and we talked a little.  He was asking about the cruise and wanted me to tell him about it.  It occurred to me in the middle of the conversation - this is like talking to a buddy at church.  Which is good - but it's also weird - we were married over 28 years and we dated for 5 years before that.  When I'm near him, when I talk to him - there is nothing there but friendship.  I don't miss him, I don't want him, I don't need him.  I wonder how long it's been like that?  You don't get like that in just 4 months of separation and 2 months of divorce - that's pretty much where I was when we separated which is why it wasn't any big deal.  How long did we just live in the same house, love the same child but have absolutely no strong feelings for each other?  I know when he had his heart attack 2 years ago I wasn't nearly as upset as I should have been if I still was in love with him.

When he had his heart attack it was at the end of an incredibly manic phase - which is what sent him into the heart attack.  He went 4 days with no sleep and you couldn't shut him up.  I tried to talk to him about it and he got FURIOUS with me.  My daughter and her friend who is like a second daughter talked to him and he didn't believe them - he did not believe he was the least bit manic!  He was seeing a psychiatrist at the time and daughter and friend were on the way back from taking ex to see him and get his meds changed when the heart attack happened - otherwise he would have been alone at work and probably ended up dying.  But when I got to the hospital - he wouldn't let me come back - he only wanted our daughter.  And instead of worry, regret, fear - I mainly was pissed off.  This jerk is dying and he won't let me come back there?  After all I've put up with? If it wasn't for me he wouldn't even have insurance.

My other emotion was embarrassment - my parents were there, work friends, people from church - how do you tell people that your possibly dying husband is so mad at you he won't let you come be with him?  How do you explain the "reason" - which had no reason - that he was mad.  And finally I thought - wow - I wonder if he's going to die?  If he had - would I have felt the "proper" feelings then?  I don't know.  He calmed down and I went with him to the big hospital they transferred him to and a week later we went on our planned vacation and things were fine.  But if he hadn't had the heart attack - would we have stayed together the last 2 years?  

But I digress - when did I stop being in love with him? I think it was way longer ago then I realized.  I hear all the time of people that fight like cats and dogs but stay together because the sex was good.  We didn't fight - we just simmered.  And the sex sucked.  I think with me it was he still made me laugh - and he still does when he's not depressed.  I live in a small town and I don't know anyone here that can make me laugh like he does - and that's important to me.  When I had my meltdown a few weeks ago that was part of it - how will I ever meet anyone here that I can enjoy like I did ex when he was good?  I realize now that I was using tunnel vision - it's not like there aren't other cities nearby - but I know a large part as well was I didn't feel "datable" so I just stuck it out rather than face the unknown.  I kept going through the charade of marriage rather than face the possibility of something else that may or may not be better.  One of the main things I accuse him of is letting fear rule his life - but wasn't I doing the same thing?

I'm really impressed with how much I'm enjoying my blog. I guess until you just sit down and free form your innermost thoughts - you don't actually listen to them.  I have e-mailed with a man who is in the first stages of break-up and I think we've both given each other something to think about.


One of the things he talked about was how he thinks men compartmentalize things they aren't happy about - that way they don't have to deal with it. I think women compartmentalize as well - but in a different way.  Men file away and forgot about it when things aren't good and figure as long as no one's crying or yelling about it - things are good.  Women also file things away -  but we pull it out and go through the files trying to figure things out.  Men like to "fix" things - but they like to use duct tape and it doesn't stay fixed. Women know that even after you "fix" it - it can break again.  Marriages would have a lot better chance if we were assigned a counselor from the very beginning!  By the time most of the people I know go to counseling - it's too far gone.


I knew I wasn't happy with our marriage, but I would have stuck it out because I thought it was my duty - I'd married for better or worse, right?  I had made the choice to live my life pretty much together but separate - more like roommates then a married couple.  I can look back now with a pretty undetached eye and see all sorts of signs leading to our divorce - signs from even before we married.  If I had known that he had a mental illness back then - would I still have married him?  Probably so - for reasons I said in an earlier post.


 But as crazy as he is - he was the one that had to courage to say divorce.  And for him - it really was a very courageous act.  He is terrified of confrontation and he told me later he thought I was going to scream and yell and pitch a fit.  Which tells you how clueless he was to where I was in our marriage!  I don't think I ever would have had the courage to pull the trigger.  We both still have our parents and they've been married 52 and 68 years respectively!  Divorce just wasn't an option in my mind.  Everyone goes through a "rough" patch, right?  But damn - when the whole marriage is one giant mine field - it seems kind of stupid to keep walking through it!


So thank you ex for finally being the one with the balls in the family and calling it a game.  I did have a lot of good times and happiness and we have the MOST incredible daughter.  So to answer my earlier question - yes, I would have done it anyway because I would not have wanted to miss out on her.  She would not be the person she is if things had been different.