Oh Grow UP!

Finally feeling more myself today.  Actually made it OUT OF THE HOUSE! So my outlook on life is better as well.


My daughter's future in-laws are coming for a visit next week.  She's met them a couple of times but this will be the first time since she was engaged.  They will meet me and ex and take a tour of our little town to get ideas for the rehearsal dinner next year and see the church.  Daughter is very nervous about them meeting ex.  She was talking tonight about hoping ex is able to follow the conversation without spacing out and asking them to repeat things.  She wants them to meet the funny, witty and personable dad that is there from time to time.  And I hope for her sake that he does manage to act like a normal person for an evening.


BUT - I am SOOOO relieved that I don't have to worry about it for me.  That it is totally out of my hands and no reflection on me if he acts like a flake.  And I know that even if we were still together it would have been totally out of my hands - but I still would have been stressed about it and embarrassed if crazy ADD ex who can't follow a normal conversation was there instead of charming, funny ex.  It made me think about how much time I used to spend worrying about how he acted and what other people thought. 


 When we first were together and married, I was so proud of him - so proud to be his wife.  He was so sharp and funny and very easy to talk to.  There is so little left of the man boy I fell in love with - but it happened little by little.  I was so used to loving him I didn't even notice when "him" didn't exist anymore.  I was so good at fooling myself and not looking deeper so that I could pretend everything was the same.  And because he was so funny when we were young - I think it kept me from analyzing stuff even then that should have told me where I was on the priority list.


A blog I follow is written by a man who is going through the very beginning of divorce and one of the things he's talked about is how he went to work the day after his first child was born and how that really hurt his wife .  Our daughter was born at 10:59 on a Thursday night, so by the time family came in and saw me (this was back in the day when the whole family didn't sit in the delivery room with you!) it was probably 12:30 before he went home that night.  The next morning, I kept waiting and waiting for him to show up.  My parents came, several friends - no ex.  I called the house and he didn't answer.  Finally, way after lunch he shows up - he'd been sleeping.  Sleeping?  Really?  He was all worn out from being at the hospital all the day before.  Poor thing - it must have really been hard on him (I can't tell you how many times I've wished for "sarcastic" font)  I was furious, hurt, and incredulous.  But I think I made a joke about it with him.  Even then, I didn't want to see the cracks.  I'm not sure if he knows to this day how upset I was that he slept in, while I, the one who'd actually GIVEN birth, dealt with the new baby, the visitors, the yucky after stuff that the woman deals with but no one tells her about - by myself.  


And that's pretty much a snapshot of our entire marriage.  I always dealt with the yucky stuff and he slept walked through our marriage.  I always made it easy for him.  Did I do it because I was afraid he couldn't?  If I had ever just let go and not dealt with stuff and left it to him to deal with - would things have been different?  Would he have stepped up if he HAD to?  I don't know - never will know I guess.  The few things I trusted him to handle - didn't get handled - not until I pitched a bitch fit, or nagged him about it so much that I should have just done it myself.  So I didn't dare trust him with anything big.  He was and still is a child and I was his "mother".  We went to counseling and knew this about ourselves.  Our last big fight, he was still blaming everything on me - I'm controlling, I want to be the boss, I won't "let" him grow up.  I contended and do to this day - that if he TOOK control, if HE handled something before I had to ask/nag/bitch about it, if he GREW up - that I wouldn't have HAD to be in control, be the boss. 


 How does someone keep a grown man from being a GROWN man if he wants to be? He never once asked to take over the checkbook.  He never asked about the bills - the only time he had any clue about our finances was when I would try and talk to him about it - when I would try and MAKE him be a part of it.  And he'd act all interested and say this was good, we needed to do this from now on - and then he'd never follow through. He not only let me be the one in charge - he pretty much forced me to be the one in charge.  Never once did he take the initiative on making plans, doing anything to the house, taking care of the yard or cars, deciding we ought to visit someone, picking what to do for vacation, making decisions about school for our daughter, buying gifts for his family, not to mention my family and only once in a blue moon - after she was an adult, buying a gift for our daughter. This man actually would do something stupid and tell our daughter not to let me know.  Is that what a grown man does?  How was that my fault?  But I was keeping him from growing up????  BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT.And for good measure - BULLSHIT!

Why Do I Feel Like I've Been Stood Up?

Okay - sick at home yesterday and couldn't work up the energy to write anything.  Today, I'm somewhat better but still coughing so much I wet my pants and now to add to the little formula of sexiness and high self esteem - diarrhea.


So that once again puts me on the downward side of divorce - it's pathetic how much our outlook on life is colored by our physical well-being.  It makes me understand ex - who was always depressed - a little better.  I know he couldn't help it - but I don't know that it would have made any difference if I had been nicer to him about it.  He'd still be depressed - it was a clinical thing.


But anyway - today I've been thinking about a high school friend that I just don't get what's going on with him.  He was one of my best friends in high school - never romantically involved although I'm pretty sure he wanted to be.  I had no physical attraction to him at all and in high school that's much more important than it is later in life.  We kind of went our separate ways in college mainly because any time I saw him he was drunk.  I got over the major partying phase pretty quickly in college - and I got tired of never having a conversation with him when he wasn't drunk.  He became a Dr. and moved to the larger town an hour from where I live now.  We ran into each other twice when we were both out and about and saw each other at a reunion - but that was it.  He was married, but his wife was never with him when I saw him nor did she come to the reunion.  So fast forward to November, 2010 when I changed my Facebook status to "It's complicated".  I get a private message from him - "what's going on?  your status change raised the red flag" - so I told him and he tells me he's in the middle of a nasty divorce.  So we talk back and forth for a while and we'd chat some on-line - every time he was the one that instigated it.  Pretty much commiserating together.  Then he says, "we live so close it's ridiculous we don't get together some time for drinks."  "Sure", I say, "let me know when a good time for you is".  "Sure", he says.  Then hear from again from time to time - he says the same things but never any specific plans.


This goes on until January.  Finally - I text him - "I'm shopping in town today - you want to meet for dinner?" Don't hear from him until really late and he says his daughter is still home for winter break and he's spending time with her.  "Okay - y'all have fun" I say - "some other time".


 My parents join Facebook and he befriends them and sends them this really sweet e-mail about me.  So right before I went on my cruise, I was up shopping again and text him.  Don't hear anything. Text him again - don't hear anything.  So finally I called him and got his voice mail, "R, I don't know what's going on with you - I don't know if you're afraid of me or really this busy - but give me a call"  So he texts me 5 minutes later - "I'm on a date, I'll call you tomorrow" I text back "LOL - have a good time!"


And.... I haven't heard from him since.  So what is up with that?  It really pisses me off.  I wasn't trying to be his next wife, I wasn't even trying to have a "real" date - I was following up on what HE started.  I really looked forward to seeing him and commiserating our new lives together.  I think the thing that pisses me off the most is it makes me feel like HE thinks I was trying to start something with him and he's not interested.  But HE started it, he kept talking about meeting for dinner and talking, he e-mailed my PARENTS.  So now I feel like this desperate, divorced loser.  And once again, I'm sitting home all day on a Saturday.  I can justify some of it with the fact that I'm sick - but it's not like I'd be doing anything different if I wasn't sick. (literally had to stop typing to go throw up phlegm I was coughing so hard -YUCK!)


I guess what really pisses me off is that I thought that at least I had R as someone to "fall" back on. Someone to DO something with - and now I feel that's not going to happen.  Was that selfish of me?  I wasn't trying to make something out of nothing, I didn't plan to lead him on - I just wanted a FRIEND that could go out on a Saturday night without having to check with husbands, kids, etc.  Someone that I thought was in the same boat as me.  

Creeps

Okay - so much for on-line dating.  I received 2 e-mails today from guys I chatted with declaring their undying love.  Really?  Oh - and their profiles aren't available now and one of them is on under a different name.  


Here's one of them -

"I miss you. I'm just here thinking about you, like I always do. I hope you're as happy as me. The thought of you in my arms right now sounds so good to me. I just want you to know how much I care for you. I can't stop thinking about you when we are apart. I need you by my side. You complete me. You mean the world to me. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You are the one I've always wished for. I never thought that I would ever meet someone as special as you. I love each and every moment I share with you This is my way of showing you how much I truly care for you. I can't really find the words to explain the way i would feel when i meet you in person or when I see your face... all I can say is that I like the feeling that I feel"


Here's the other: 


"hello sweetheart
                  good morning to you my love i really miss you,you are my joy and happiest in my life I know that you want me to sleep but I cannot sleep thoughts of you keep me awake. I listen to the music you suggest(I didn't suggest any music) and all I can do is imagine you. It reminds me of you so happy and carefree I can see you smiling. Everyday I wait I think of nothing but you how did you cast this spell on me. I am love sick this is true no doctor can cure what ails me. I hope this spell you cast on me will stay with me for an eternity. You have a power you see that captivates me; you`re in my every thought. Thank you for the gift you gave me you gave life back to me. When all is said and done you`re the only one for me please grow old with me? I love you and I want and need you to be with me. 

                                                                                    Lots of Loves  "


Does this shit work on people?  Are there woman so desperate out there they buy this crap?  And God help me - will I become one of them?  Will I be so desperate for some sort of romance or attention that I'll believe this garbage?  What is their game?  What are they trying to accomplish?  


They have this thing called "winks" and there were several guys who winked at me - so I click on their profile - nope - profile not there - literally guys who "winked" at me today - their profile is gone.  I just don't get it.  I'm sick and am still coughing and I feel like shit and this just depresses me.  


I'm going to go eat the grapes and ice cream my mama brought me tonight.  It's just like they say in "Grease" - "the only man a girl can trust is her daddy".

I'm really impressed with how much I'm enjoying my blog. I guess until you just sit down and free form your innermost thoughts - you don't actually listen to them.  I have e-mailed with a man who is in the first stages of break-up and I think we've both given each other something to think about.


One of the things he talked about was how he thinks men compartmentalize things they aren't happy about - that way they don't have to deal with it. I think women compartmentalize as well - but in a different way.  Men file away and forgot about it when things aren't good and figure as long as no one's crying or yelling about it - things are good.  Women also file things away -  but we pull it out and go through the files trying to figure things out.  Men like to "fix" things - but they like to use duct tape and it doesn't stay fixed. Women know that even after you "fix" it - it can break again.  Marriages would have a lot better chance if we were assigned a counselor from the very beginning!  By the time most of the people I know go to counseling - it's too far gone.


I knew I wasn't happy with our marriage, but I would have stuck it out because I thought it was my duty - I'd married for better or worse, right?  I had made the choice to live my life pretty much together but separate - more like roommates then a married couple.  I can look back now with a pretty undetached eye and see all sorts of signs leading to our divorce - signs from even before we married.  If I had known that he had a mental illness back then - would I still have married him?  Probably so - for reasons I said in an earlier post.


 But as crazy as he is - he was the one that had to courage to say divorce.  And for him - it really was a very courageous act.  He is terrified of confrontation and he told me later he thought I was going to scream and yell and pitch a fit.  Which tells you how clueless he was to where I was in our marriage!  I don't think I ever would have had the courage to pull the trigger.  We both still have our parents and they've been married 52 and 68 years respectively!  Divorce just wasn't an option in my mind.  Everyone goes through a "rough" patch, right?  But damn - when the whole marriage is one giant mine field - it seems kind of stupid to keep walking through it!


So thank you ex for finally being the one with the balls in the family and calling it a game.  I did have a lot of good times and happiness and we have the MOST incredible daughter.  So to answer my earlier question - yes, I would have done it anyway because I would not have wanted to miss out on her.  She would not be the person she is if things had been different.