Why Do I Feel Like I've Been Stood Up?

Okay - sick at home yesterday and couldn't work up the energy to write anything.  Today, I'm somewhat better but still coughing so much I wet my pants and now to add to the little formula of sexiness and high self esteem - diarrhea.


So that once again puts me on the downward side of divorce - it's pathetic how much our outlook on life is colored by our physical well-being.  It makes me understand ex - who was always depressed - a little better.  I know he couldn't help it - but I don't know that it would have made any difference if I had been nicer to him about it.  He'd still be depressed - it was a clinical thing.


But anyway - today I've been thinking about a high school friend that I just don't get what's going on with him.  He was one of my best friends in high school - never romantically involved although I'm pretty sure he wanted to be.  I had no physical attraction to him at all and in high school that's much more important than it is later in life.  We kind of went our separate ways in college mainly because any time I saw him he was drunk.  I got over the major partying phase pretty quickly in college - and I got tired of never having a conversation with him when he wasn't drunk.  He became a Dr. and moved to the larger town an hour from where I live now.  We ran into each other twice when we were both out and about and saw each other at a reunion - but that was it.  He was married, but his wife was never with him when I saw him nor did she come to the reunion.  So fast forward to November, 2010 when I changed my Facebook status to "It's complicated".  I get a private message from him - "what's going on?  your status change raised the red flag" - so I told him and he tells me he's in the middle of a nasty divorce.  So we talk back and forth for a while and we'd chat some on-line - every time he was the one that instigated it.  Pretty much commiserating together.  Then he says, "we live so close it's ridiculous we don't get together some time for drinks."  "Sure", I say, "let me know when a good time for you is".  "Sure", he says.  Then hear from again from time to time - he says the same things but never any specific plans.


This goes on until January.  Finally - I text him - "I'm shopping in town today - you want to meet for dinner?" Don't hear from him until really late and he says his daughter is still home for winter break and he's spending time with her.  "Okay - y'all have fun" I say - "some other time".


 My parents join Facebook and he befriends them and sends them this really sweet e-mail about me.  So right before I went on my cruise, I was up shopping again and text him.  Don't hear anything. Text him again - don't hear anything.  So finally I called him and got his voice mail, "R, I don't know what's going on with you - I don't know if you're afraid of me or really this busy - but give me a call"  So he texts me 5 minutes later - "I'm on a date, I'll call you tomorrow" I text back "LOL - have a good time!"


And.... I haven't heard from him since.  So what is up with that?  It really pisses me off.  I wasn't trying to be his next wife, I wasn't even trying to have a "real" date - I was following up on what HE started.  I really looked forward to seeing him and commiserating our new lives together.  I think the thing that pisses me off the most is it makes me feel like HE thinks I was trying to start something with him and he's not interested.  But HE started it, he kept talking about meeting for dinner and talking, he e-mailed my PARENTS.  So now I feel like this desperate, divorced loser.  And once again, I'm sitting home all day on a Saturday.  I can justify some of it with the fact that I'm sick - but it's not like I'd be doing anything different if I wasn't sick. (literally had to stop typing to go throw up phlegm I was coughing so hard -YUCK!)


I guess what really pisses me off is that I thought that at least I had R as someone to "fall" back on. Someone to DO something with - and now I feel that's not going to happen.  Was that selfish of me?  I wasn't trying to make something out of nothing, I didn't plan to lead him on - I just wanted a FRIEND that could go out on a Saturday night without having to check with husbands, kids, etc.  Someone that I thought was in the same boat as me.  

Creeps

Okay - so much for on-line dating.  I received 2 e-mails today from guys I chatted with declaring their undying love.  Really?  Oh - and their profiles aren't available now and one of them is on under a different name.  


Here's one of them -

"I miss you. I'm just here thinking about you, like I always do. I hope you're as happy as me. The thought of you in my arms right now sounds so good to me. I just want you to know how much I care for you. I can't stop thinking about you when we are apart. I need you by my side. You complete me. You mean the world to me. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You are the one I've always wished for. I never thought that I would ever meet someone as special as you. I love each and every moment I share with you This is my way of showing you how much I truly care for you. I can't really find the words to explain the way i would feel when i meet you in person or when I see your face... all I can say is that I like the feeling that I feel"


Here's the other: 


"hello sweetheart
                  good morning to you my love i really miss you,you are my joy and happiest in my life I know that you want me to sleep but I cannot sleep thoughts of you keep me awake. I listen to the music you suggest(I didn't suggest any music) and all I can do is imagine you. It reminds me of you so happy and carefree I can see you smiling. Everyday I wait I think of nothing but you how did you cast this spell on me. I am love sick this is true no doctor can cure what ails me. I hope this spell you cast on me will stay with me for an eternity. You have a power you see that captivates me; you`re in my every thought. Thank you for the gift you gave me you gave life back to me. When all is said and done you`re the only one for me please grow old with me? I love you and I want and need you to be with me. 

                                                                                    Lots of Loves  "


Does this shit work on people?  Are there woman so desperate out there they buy this crap?  And God help me - will I become one of them?  Will I be so desperate for some sort of romance or attention that I'll believe this garbage?  What is their game?  What are they trying to accomplish?  


They have this thing called "winks" and there were several guys who winked at me - so I click on their profile - nope - profile not there - literally guys who "winked" at me today - their profile is gone.  I just don't get it.  I'm sick and am still coughing and I feel like shit and this just depresses me.  


I'm going to go eat the grapes and ice cream my mama brought me tonight.  It's just like they say in "Grease" - "the only man a girl can trust is her daddy".

Tussionex & On-Line Dating

So after that post last night, I actually joined one of the dating sites because someone e-mailed me.  So I joined to find out who it was - thinking "wow - someone e-mailed me, cool - I might get a date" and paid my money to get the email from.... some English guy - who lives in England. As in across the Atlantic Ocean.  Really?  I put I'm interested in meeting men within 50 miles of Smalltown, USA and that's who e-mails me???


But while I'm on there, all these chat messages start popping up.  So I chat a while with a few guys and that makes me feel pretty good, "you're beautiful, I love your smile, I liked your profile etc.." - but I swear all but one of them was either deployed to Iraq or some sort of contractor in Iraq.  The one guy I did talk to for a while lives within 2 hours - but other than that, I've got a guy from England or men so horny and lonely they'd poke a pig!  And the 2 hours guy has a lot of flowery romance stuff in his profile - and cynical me can't help but think he puts that crap because he thinks women want to hear it.  Which I guess is sort of what you should do - but shouldn't you also put your true self out there? And if that is his true self - how do I feel about that?  I pretty much dismiss flowery cards and stuff - but is that good?  Is that part of what made us lose the spark in our marriage - that I didn't do that stuff and neither did he?  I have cards and notes from when we were teenagers that he wrote that are full of romance and deep soul revealing passages  - but when did those stop?  How long has it been since I didn't scoff at stuff like that - I've got to think that can't be a good thing.


So back to the dating site - There is also a place where you can see who looked at your profile - so to me this is - "Here's the guys that live within 50 miles of you that looked at your profile and said - mmmm - not so much - and moved on."  So I'm either going to have to become a contractor in Iraq where I will truly be the Goddess of the Middle East - or.... what?  All you can do is laugh about it right?  Laugh all the way to the single room at the nursing home.


I came home today from work because I literally couldn't talk without coughing so much I'd wet my pants and frighten people nearby who thought a 90 year old homeless guy with lung cancer was in my office.  Before I took my blissful magic elixir (tussionex - the wonder drug) I was talking to my daughter about all this on line stuff.  She tells me that ex said he went to a nightclub by himself last weekend just to see what was there.  This is very surprising to me because I can't think of a worse place for ex to go - he can barely follow a conversation when he's in the same room because of his ADD - and any noisy places - forget it!  But I'm proud of him for putting himself out there. 


 She said there was only one woman around his age that he was remotely interested in and they kept sneaking looks at each other but he couldn't work up the nerve to go talk to her - which does NOT surprise me.  I wish him luck with that - he didn't ask me out when he was young and in his prime until he checked with practically all our mutual friends to make sure I'd say yes!  It's hard being a woman who is waiting to be asked out - but I really feel for guys like ex who are so afraid of rejection but have no choice but to make a move if they want to meet someone.  Daughter also told him that he probably ought to get his buddy to go with him so he doesn't look like a creepy old guy! But I'm glad to report that I didn't have any feelings of jealousy or anger - I really do want him to be happy.


And to finalize this very rambling, tussionex fueled post  - I was at the doctor's today to get a prescription for said elixir.  Let me preface this by saying that I LOVE my doctor and he loves me.  I have always been able to talk to him about anything and he is also exes doctor so he knows all about us and exes bi-polar and all the crap that goes with it.  When we separated - he basically told me I needed to go get laid because he knew how long it had been.  So I told him about passing up the opportunity for sex and I loved his response!


Me - "You're going to be mad at me"
Doc - after shutting the door - "Give me your hand"  
Slaps my wrist and said "Okay - what happened, I'm not mad anymore"
Me - "I totally could have had sex a few weeks ago and turned it down"
Doc - "WHY??"
Me - "Fear! And I have no boobs, and I'm fat"
Doc - "Listen, men can't fake it - so if Willie was winking - you ain't too fat.  And grown men know that the business end is below the waist - teenage boys play with boobs because they don't know better yet."
( Don't you LOVE that - do you see why I love this man so much?)
Me - "I just couldn't get past it at the time"
Doc - Actually what you did is normal.  You haven't been in the dating world in 30 years. When I was a kid I was a lifeguard and every day we had to check the pool.  At the first of every season I'd go up on the high dive and peek over the end and think - I can't do that!  But then I'd walk back, hold my nose like a 5 year old and jump in.  You were just peeking over the end of the board - the next time, you'll jump in.  And if you don't - come back and we'll deal with that because it's all in your head."


So - let's just hope I don't have to go to the Iraqi desert to dive in! 

Amazing How Just the Thought of Sex Energizes You!

So I totally woke up in a great mood today, completely energized.  Went to the bank and then worked out for an hour.  The guy at the gym talked to me the whole time - thank God because my stupid Ipod wasn't charged - and it was really fun.  Don't get me wrong - he's younger, married, has young kids - but I'm more open to talking to people in general and just seeing where that leads.  (as in - maybe the guy has a cute uncle or something - would never fool around with a married man)  


I believe this new found energy comes from just the thought that I COULD have had sex, that someone worth wanting was interested and there is the slight possibility of it next week.  Yes, I'm going on a cruise!  Woo hoo!  Of course, since ex left 2 weeks after I paid the non-refundable deposit (dumb ass - ought to get my $200 back from him) I am making my mom come in his place.  The whole purpose of the cruise was for my aunt & uncle's 50th anniversary.  All my Yankee cousins will be there with their families, daughter & her fiance are going and me and my mom.  So I really don't think the old "sock on the door" thing will be happening with my mom - but I do plan to open myself up to talk to people - come out of my comfort zone.  I'm great with people I know, after I've been around them a few days - but I am so bad at just meeting people and coming up with something interesting to say.  So I'm setting a goal of meeting new people and flirting like crazy.


It's also occurred to me that because I've pretty much had a steady boyfriend from the time I could bat my eyes until now - I've never just dated.  I've never just flirted around and gone out with different people.  I have ALWAYS had a steady boyfriend - and pretty much as soon as we'd break up - there'd be another one.  But that was junior high & high school.  It's been a LONG time - and I'm in a small town where everyone I know is either married or a redneck that I wouldn't want to go out with anyway.  So it's very scary to think of where I might meet "datable" guys now.  I guess it's no mystery that most people meet their spouses in college - where else are you thrown together with that many eligible people, with the same interests and a party to go to all the time to meet them?  There is no "grown-up" equivalent of that but the Internet, I guess.  But I'm not ready for that yet - a large part of my issue with conference guy was my body image - and it don't look any better in a picture!  


One of the reasons I could just kick myself for not having sex with him is that he KNEW I didn't have breasts.  That is not really a conversation you want to have with someone AFTER you got hot and heavy - but it's kind of hard to get to it before then.  I guess I could walk up to random cute guys and say, "Just so you know - I had breast cancer & a double mastectomy.  So if my fat body turns you on - know that you've got that to look forward to"  Yeah - definitely body issues here!  The workouts will help and the other thing my new sex happiness has brought is not much of an appetite - so that's kind of nice that they're working together!  But the boobs - too bad I'm not a starfish and could just spontaneously re-grow them!  

Do the "Right" Thing?

I never thought I would feel so full of regret over doing the "right" thing.  I never realized until he kissed me - no, it was even sooner than that - just sitting near him, having him touch me on my leg, my arm - flirty touches - that I missed sex SOOOO much!  I can't believe how I just turned that part of me off. 


 When ex and I first met we couldn't keep our hands off each other - this was back in a small southern town in the 70's when "good" girls didn't have sex before marriage.  Which is a crock of shit - but we at least had to pretend we believed that and you certainly didn't go around having sex with anyone who wasn't your "steady" boyfriend.  I'm a Christian and I believe in doing the right thing - but I really think the no sex before marriage is bullshit - people used to get married at 14 or so - probably because that's when the hormones started raging!  I certainly didn't try and fill my daughter with that guilt trip and she and I have a very honest relationship because of it.  In fact, I probably get on her nerves because I keep stressing to her how important a good sex life is to a marriage.


  I'd say our sex life started going to pot about the time it became obvious that I was the breadwinner in the family - because he couldn't keep a job.  He's a screwup - unorganized, forgetful and terrible at office politics - but kept getting jobs that required that he'd be good at all of those things!  He had a college degree in communications and wanted to go into radio - but wasted the first 9 years of our marriage on jobs he hated and wasn't good at instead of risk the rejection of trying to get a job in radio.  Finally, when he was literally driving a scooter around Atlanta and working several part time jobs, I told him to get a job wherever he could in radio and I'd go there.  We were $17,000 in credit card debt, we were very close to losing our house and I was completely stressed out.  But I thought it was my job to "support" him and just couldn't understand why people were so "mean" to him.  Ugh - Why didn't I leave his ass then?  But our daughter was young and he was a great daddy that she adored.  I still loved him - just started to lose respect for him.  And when you lose respect for someone - you damn sure don't want to have sex with them.


  So yeah - I will admit now that I did turn him down a lot. The few times we've tried to openly talk about the fact we never have sex, he's accused me of that and I would deny it. I know now that I was furious with him and didn't even realize it.  I was so sick of taking care of everyone and being the only one who was capable of making a decision.  I was tired and depressed and never knew it - because everything was all about him.  For years he had back pain, then back surgery, neck pain, then neck surgery, shoulder pain, then shoulder surgery, wrist pain - surgery, hand pain - you guessed it surgery!  Notice how it worked it's way down - if he could have figured out some sort of finger surgery I'm sure he would have had it!  But it was all his fear and depression being held in his body - God knows I couldn't suggest to him that HE was the cause of his pain.  I wasn't saying he was a hypochondriac - I do think he was in pain - but I think it was all the repressed shit in him!  And I was right by the way - once he finally got on meds for bi-polar all that went away.


Anyway....so I just ate chocolate and got fatter.  When that movie came out "Down With Love" I loved it - because it was so true!  No sex? Eat Chocolate!!  He got fatter, I got fatter -  the few times we tried to have sex his back would hurt or I'd get a damn UTI - it was pathetic.  So we just gave up - and I shoved that part of me way down inside the fat and said I didn't need it.  He became the worlds best and probably most frequent masturbator so that the few times I would try and initiate it - he couldn't get it up!


So the other night when someone actually paid attention to me - I was literally hot for him just from being TOUCHED! and when he kissed me - I practically had an orgasm!  I think part of my fear of letting go was that I would literally explode and scare the shit out of him.  I had no idea I was still capable of that kind of a response.  That even now I can literally think about him kissing me and still feel that way.  And guess what good girls of the world?  I'm not "in love" with this guy and may never see or hear from again - and I know that and still want to just fly to his town and knock on the door and say - I really FUCKED UP!  Please do me NOW!  And then just fly home!  

First Contact!

I'm starting this blog more as a way to examine myself and try and keep me honest more than anything else.  I am recently divorced after a marriage of 28 years to my high school sweetheart.  We've been (we'd been!) together for almost 33 years - ever since I was 16.  I always thought we had a good marriage - but looking back on it now - I think I just let myself be happy with what was there - or should I say "happy".  I didn't actually look closely at how things really were and completely believed that once you were married, you stayed married unless there was some sort of abuse going on.  He'd say stuff every once in a while - but only in his passive aggressive way for the most part.  He was completely incapable of what he would call "confrontation" - what a normal person would call communicating.  

I don't want this to be about how much he sucked - because he's a nice guy - but he was really a pretty shitty husband for the last 15 years and really as far as "traditional" husband goes - the whole time.  From about the 3rd year of marriage on, I was the one who made more money, I had insurance, I decided we ought to have a baby, I decided we ought to buy a house - I took care of EVERYTHING and worried about everything.  He would just ga-loop, ga-loop along like he was watching from the sidelines and go along with everything I said - but come up with nothing from himself to add to the decisions.  We started out in a mother-son relationship and were 15 years into it before we recognized it.  He lied to me about anything he thought would make me mad....  blah, blah, blah - water under the bridge now - but I need to recognize how I basically stuffed - literally - my feelings down instead of dealing with them. 

I was always trying to "fix" things for him - even in high school.  But he was cute and funny - wasn't that enough?  He was one of the quickest wits I knew and he was very creative.  Ahh yes - NOW I know it was manic depression - then I just thought he needed my support to realize his potential.  The "potential" that he still talks at 51 about having.  Did it matter that he never had a good job and that the job he's had for 20 years now is a crappy job for low pay that became more important to him than me, our marriage and quite frankly even our daughter who he supposedly was crazy about.  But since he's left - it's pretty apparent to me that more than anything she was someone who would listen to his bullshit and feel sorry for him when she was younger and even as she grew into an adult and saw his flaws, she didn't call him on it like I did.  But since he's left - she is pretty much the one that calls him and makes any plans for them to see each other.  He can't get out of his own head to have a real relationship with anyone. 

Anyway - we both got fatter, our sex life SUCKED, and we both thought it was the other one's fault.  What made me want to start writing was something that just happened to me.  I went to a conference for work and flirted with this really fun, outgoing and attractive MAN for the first time in my life!  When I married the ex - he was a boy and still is - but I'm a loyal person and NEVER cheated or even put myself at risk to cheat our entire marriage - the same cannot be said about him.  But this man was interested in ME.  Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying it was love, that it was even romance - it was just fun and major LUST.  The last night of the conference, I could have had sex with someone new for the first time in 33 years - and for the first time at all in over a year.  And I blew it! God knows I wanted to go to bed with this man - he kissed me and I practically melted.  I can think about those kisses now and get tingly.  It shocked the hell out of me.  I wanted to so badly - but the 16 year old girl who was the last person in this body to date took over and I couldn't do it.  Why? Why????  He lives 1000 miles away, he wanted me and I know it would have been SO good - but I am so fucked up about my body image I just couldn't let myself go.  And while that's not all from my ex - it sure as hell is a lot of it.  I'm 80 pounds overweight, I have no boobs (literally - breast cancer) and I was just too afraid he'd get me in bed (and he knew I had no boobs - the fat part is obvious!) and really see me and go limp - like my ex. My ex who told me years after my mastectomy when we decided not to do reconstruction that it didn't matter to him, he was just glad I was alive and loved me no matter what - but who now told me that he just wasn't attracted to me.  Who told me when we had the divorce talk - he was the one who asked for it - that he can get it up, just not for me.  I just couldn't let go of the fear when the opportunity was there.  I couldn't believe that anybody smart, accomplished and good looking could be attracted to me.