Porn

I've been talking with a friend about porn.  Actually talked with several friends about porn!  The day my divorce was final, several of my girlfriends gave me a party and took me out.  They gave me several things but one of the things they gave me was a DVD.  I watched it - or some of it.  Basically the entire thing as far as I've been able to watch is one girl with sometimes two men and sometimes one.  She's either giving them blow jobs or they're both doing her - one from behind, one in front - or she's giving them BOTH blow jobs or some sort of combination of these scenarios.  It does nothing for me.  I've seen porn before - and I sometimes wonder if I've got a little lesbian in me!  If I get anything from it at all, it's usually when two women are doing it.  But for the most part - it doesn't do much for me.


Ex however - that's a different story!  I don't think I really even know how bad his porn habit was.  And while I've been thinking about this, it made me think about all those surgeries to his right arm!  Perhaps if he'd broken up with Mrs. Palm and her 5 daughters - he wouldn't have needed the surgeries! 


He loves to blame me for never wanting to have sex with him - but there were MANY times would he couldn't because he'd beat off too much that day.  Like a damn 14 year old boy.  He also got to the point where having sex with a live woman was not enough to get him off.  He'd have to either watch porn while we did it or beat off after he'd "done" me.  Didn't exactly make me go rushing for more.  It was humiliating and depressing.  It certainly did NOT make me feel the least bit sexy  - and I think it's a pretty fair generalization to say that women have to "feel" sexy to want to have sex. 


When did porn start to effect our sex life?  When we were younger, the very little porn that we ever saw was a little exciting to us both.  But back in the 80's - you really didn't have the kind of stuff that's out there now.  But I didn't think it was any big deal - and of course we were younger, thinner and didn't have a kid yet.  Ten years later - it was a different story.  He'd leave magazines in a drawer that was easily accessible to our daughter. He'd leave them lying around in the bedroom.  One time he left a tape in the VCR.  It made me furious and I told him to get rid of it.  As far as I know, he did at that time - at least he got better about hiding it anyway.  


But then we get to the 2000's when you can practically go in Walmart and buy porn.  You can get it anytime you want on the computer and they have infomercials selling dildos on cable tv. And coincidentally (?) - our marriage basically started going to shit.  Which came first?  The shitty sex life or the porn?  Which one caused the other one?   I don't know - but I know it didn't help.


And I KNOW that after I had my double mastectomy in 2004 - that was pretty much the end of any kind of sex life.  We literally went TWO years once without having sex.  We pretty much would have it on our anniversary and that was about it - and it was VERY unsatisfactory.  It was like a chore.  A 43 year old woman who used to have large boobs - now with no boobs - just doesn't fit the fantasy little 15 year old boys have when they're spanking the monkey - and my 44 year old husband was a 15 year old boy.


He would lie and say that the mastectomy didn't matter - but little Willie couldn't lie.  Just like any teen-age boy - he needed the boobies.  If there's anything that can make me hate him - and sometimes I do - it's thinking about that.  About the fact that he told me the night we decided to divorce that he could get it up - but not for me.  It still PISSES me off - because it's like he's blaming ME for the demise of our sex life.  When I had the surgery, the docs told me I couldn't have reconstruction for 2 years because of the kind of cancer I had.  At that time my survival % was 26%.  It tended to come back and it tended to come back in the scar and on the chest wall.  So they didn't want me to have anything that would delay them seeing it if it came back. 


After the 2 years (yay Herceptin, YAY GOD!) I asked him what he thought.  Should I get the surgery?  I'd had one very close friend and one acquaintance who'd been through reconstruction and they'd both had TERRIBLE experiences.  So I was very afraid of doing it at that time.  So he tells me that no, I don't need to have it if I don't want to, it doesn't matter to him.  Which was BULLSHIT.  Maybe he was trying to keep from hurting my feelings - but that was not the time to do it. (The night we decided to divorce - that would have been the time to worry about hurting my feelings)  That was the time to be honest and tell me he would like it better if I had it.  And I would have done it and I wouldn't have been mad with him about it.  But once again this was his way of dealing with.... CONFLICT - oh God - conflict... he couldn't run fast enough from conflict or what he perceived as conflict anyway.


Would that surgery have saved our marriage? No.  But at least it would have kept him from hurting me worse than he ever hurt me in 33 years of us being together.  Hurt me so bad that I was just totally numb.  I guess the good thing about it is that it pretty much killed any remaining traces of love I had, any remaining thoughts about trying to save our marriage.  But it also fucked me up big time in how I feel about my looks and my sex appeal.  So much so that the reality that Convention man wanted to have sex with me was inconceivable to me.

Why Do I Feel Like I've Been Stood Up?

Okay - sick at home yesterday and couldn't work up the energy to write anything.  Today, I'm somewhat better but still coughing so much I wet my pants and now to add to the little formula of sexiness and high self esteem - diarrhea.


So that once again puts me on the downward side of divorce - it's pathetic how much our outlook on life is colored by our physical well-being.  It makes me understand ex - who was always depressed - a little better.  I know he couldn't help it - but I don't know that it would have made any difference if I had been nicer to him about it.  He'd still be depressed - it was a clinical thing.


But anyway - today I've been thinking about a high school friend that I just don't get what's going on with him.  He was one of my best friends in high school - never romantically involved although I'm pretty sure he wanted to be.  I had no physical attraction to him at all and in high school that's much more important than it is later in life.  We kind of went our separate ways in college mainly because any time I saw him he was drunk.  I got over the major partying phase pretty quickly in college - and I got tired of never having a conversation with him when he wasn't drunk.  He became a Dr. and moved to the larger town an hour from where I live now.  We ran into each other twice when we were both out and about and saw each other at a reunion - but that was it.  He was married, but his wife was never with him when I saw him nor did she come to the reunion.  So fast forward to November, 2010 when I changed my Facebook status to "It's complicated".  I get a private message from him - "what's going on?  your status change raised the red flag" - so I told him and he tells me he's in the middle of a nasty divorce.  So we talk back and forth for a while and we'd chat some on-line - every time he was the one that instigated it.  Pretty much commiserating together.  Then he says, "we live so close it's ridiculous we don't get together some time for drinks."  "Sure", I say, "let me know when a good time for you is".  "Sure", he says.  Then hear from again from time to time - he says the same things but never any specific plans.


This goes on until January.  Finally - I text him - "I'm shopping in town today - you want to meet for dinner?" Don't hear from him until really late and he says his daughter is still home for winter break and he's spending time with her.  "Okay - y'all have fun" I say - "some other time".


 My parents join Facebook and he befriends them and sends them this really sweet e-mail about me.  So right before I went on my cruise, I was up shopping again and text him.  Don't hear anything. Text him again - don't hear anything.  So finally I called him and got his voice mail, "R, I don't know what's going on with you - I don't know if you're afraid of me or really this busy - but give me a call"  So he texts me 5 minutes later - "I'm on a date, I'll call you tomorrow" I text back "LOL - have a good time!"


And.... I haven't heard from him since.  So what is up with that?  It really pisses me off.  I wasn't trying to be his next wife, I wasn't even trying to have a "real" date - I was following up on what HE started.  I really looked forward to seeing him and commiserating our new lives together.  I think the thing that pisses me off the most is it makes me feel like HE thinks I was trying to start something with him and he's not interested.  But HE started it, he kept talking about meeting for dinner and talking, he e-mailed my PARENTS.  So now I feel like this desperate, divorced loser.  And once again, I'm sitting home all day on a Saturday.  I can justify some of it with the fact that I'm sick - but it's not like I'd be doing anything different if I wasn't sick. (literally had to stop typing to go throw up phlegm I was coughing so hard -YUCK!)


I guess what really pisses me off is that I thought that at least I had R as someone to "fall" back on. Someone to DO something with - and now I feel that's not going to happen.  Was that selfish of me?  I wasn't trying to make something out of nothing, I didn't plan to lead him on - I just wanted a FRIEND that could go out on a Saturday night without having to check with husbands, kids, etc.  Someone that I thought was in the same boat as me.  

Creeps

Okay - so much for on-line dating.  I received 2 e-mails today from guys I chatted with declaring their undying love.  Really?  Oh - and their profiles aren't available now and one of them is on under a different name.  


Here's one of them -

"I miss you. I'm just here thinking about you, like I always do. I hope you're as happy as me. The thought of you in my arms right now sounds so good to me. I just want you to know how much I care for you. I can't stop thinking about you when we are apart. I need you by my side. You complete me. You mean the world to me. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You are the one I've always wished for. I never thought that I would ever meet someone as special as you. I love each and every moment I share with you This is my way of showing you how much I truly care for you. I can't really find the words to explain the way i would feel when i meet you in person or when I see your face... all I can say is that I like the feeling that I feel"


Here's the other: 


"hello sweetheart
                  good morning to you my love i really miss you,you are my joy and happiest in my life I know that you want me to sleep but I cannot sleep thoughts of you keep me awake. I listen to the music you suggest(I didn't suggest any music) and all I can do is imagine you. It reminds me of you so happy and carefree I can see you smiling. Everyday I wait I think of nothing but you how did you cast this spell on me. I am love sick this is true no doctor can cure what ails me. I hope this spell you cast on me will stay with me for an eternity. You have a power you see that captivates me; you`re in my every thought. Thank you for the gift you gave me you gave life back to me. When all is said and done you`re the only one for me please grow old with me? I love you and I want and need you to be with me. 

                                                                                    Lots of Loves  "


Does this shit work on people?  Are there woman so desperate out there they buy this crap?  And God help me - will I become one of them?  Will I be so desperate for some sort of romance or attention that I'll believe this garbage?  What is their game?  What are they trying to accomplish?  


They have this thing called "winks" and there were several guys who winked at me - so I click on their profile - nope - profile not there - literally guys who "winked" at me today - their profile is gone.  I just don't get it.  I'm sick and am still coughing and I feel like shit and this just depresses me.  


I'm going to go eat the grapes and ice cream my mama brought me tonight.  It's just like they say in "Grease" - "the only man a girl can trust is her daddy".

Tussionex & On-Line Dating

So after that post last night, I actually joined one of the dating sites because someone e-mailed me.  So I joined to find out who it was - thinking "wow - someone e-mailed me, cool - I might get a date" and paid my money to get the email from.... some English guy - who lives in England. As in across the Atlantic Ocean.  Really?  I put I'm interested in meeting men within 50 miles of Smalltown, USA and that's who e-mails me???


But while I'm on there, all these chat messages start popping up.  So I chat a while with a few guys and that makes me feel pretty good, "you're beautiful, I love your smile, I liked your profile etc.." - but I swear all but one of them was either deployed to Iraq or some sort of contractor in Iraq.  The one guy I did talk to for a while lives within 2 hours - but other than that, I've got a guy from England or men so horny and lonely they'd poke a pig!  And the 2 hours guy has a lot of flowery romance stuff in his profile - and cynical me can't help but think he puts that crap because he thinks women want to hear it.  Which I guess is sort of what you should do - but shouldn't you also put your true self out there? And if that is his true self - how do I feel about that?  I pretty much dismiss flowery cards and stuff - but is that good?  Is that part of what made us lose the spark in our marriage - that I didn't do that stuff and neither did he?  I have cards and notes from when we were teenagers that he wrote that are full of romance and deep soul revealing passages  - but when did those stop?  How long has it been since I didn't scoff at stuff like that - I've got to think that can't be a good thing.


So back to the dating site - There is also a place where you can see who looked at your profile - so to me this is - "Here's the guys that live within 50 miles of you that looked at your profile and said - mmmm - not so much - and moved on."  So I'm either going to have to become a contractor in Iraq where I will truly be the Goddess of the Middle East - or.... what?  All you can do is laugh about it right?  Laugh all the way to the single room at the nursing home.


I came home today from work because I literally couldn't talk without coughing so much I'd wet my pants and frighten people nearby who thought a 90 year old homeless guy with lung cancer was in my office.  Before I took my blissful magic elixir (tussionex - the wonder drug) I was talking to my daughter about all this on line stuff.  She tells me that ex said he went to a nightclub by himself last weekend just to see what was there.  This is very surprising to me because I can't think of a worse place for ex to go - he can barely follow a conversation when he's in the same room because of his ADD - and any noisy places - forget it!  But I'm proud of him for putting himself out there. 


 She said there was only one woman around his age that he was remotely interested in and they kept sneaking looks at each other but he couldn't work up the nerve to go talk to her - which does NOT surprise me.  I wish him luck with that - he didn't ask me out when he was young and in his prime until he checked with practically all our mutual friends to make sure I'd say yes!  It's hard being a woman who is waiting to be asked out - but I really feel for guys like ex who are so afraid of rejection but have no choice but to make a move if they want to meet someone.  Daughter also told him that he probably ought to get his buddy to go with him so he doesn't look like a creepy old guy! But I'm glad to report that I didn't have any feelings of jealousy or anger - I really do want him to be happy.


And to finalize this very rambling, tussionex fueled post  - I was at the doctor's today to get a prescription for said elixir.  Let me preface this by saying that I LOVE my doctor and he loves me.  I have always been able to talk to him about anything and he is also exes doctor so he knows all about us and exes bi-polar and all the crap that goes with it.  When we separated - he basically told me I needed to go get laid because he knew how long it had been.  So I told him about passing up the opportunity for sex and I loved his response!


Me - "You're going to be mad at me"
Doc - after shutting the door - "Give me your hand"  
Slaps my wrist and said "Okay - what happened, I'm not mad anymore"
Me - "I totally could have had sex a few weeks ago and turned it down"
Doc - "WHY??"
Me - "Fear! And I have no boobs, and I'm fat"
Doc - "Listen, men can't fake it - so if Willie was winking - you ain't too fat.  And grown men know that the business end is below the waist - teenage boys play with boobs because they don't know better yet."
( Don't you LOVE that - do you see why I love this man so much?)
Me - "I just couldn't get past it at the time"
Doc - Actually what you did is normal.  You haven't been in the dating world in 30 years. When I was a kid I was a lifeguard and every day we had to check the pool.  At the first of every season I'd go up on the high dive and peek over the end and think - I can't do that!  But then I'd walk back, hold my nose like a 5 year old and jump in.  You were just peeking over the end of the board - the next time, you'll jump in.  And if you don't - come back and we'll deal with that because it's all in your head."


So - let's just hope I don't have to go to the Iraqi desert to dive in! 

Married woman panties vs sexy panties

I guess the very title of this gives quite an insight into the problems with my marriage.  In all fairness, I NEVER had cute panties growing up.  I don't know if they weren't out there yet in the 70's and 80's - but my Mom was always a cotton brief person and so was I - even when I was thin.  But I realized when part of my fear with conference guy was that I had on ugly panties with a stained crotch - that married panties were NOT the look I wanted for my first sexual encounter with another man in 33 years.  


So it occurred to me - why didn't I care about that with my husband?  Even when we were younger, I might occasionally get "special" occasion panties - but why wasn't every day a special occasion?  And I NEVER owned a cute bra - a combination of too cheap and too broke.  Now it's pretty much impossible to have a cute bra until I get reconstruction because I have to wear a mastectomy bra.  Ugh.  So ex, I apologize for not giving a crap about whether you would appreciate sexy panties or not - even back when things were pretty good between us. 


A friend of mine put together a picture montage of our girls trips to the beach over the past 4 years- and I've got on the same damn clothes in most of them.  So it's not just a panty thing - I think it's been an "I don't give a shit about myself"  thing for the last 10 years.  I've been a classic case of "when I lose weight I'm going to......."  fill in the blank.  I treated me like I didn't matter, I put myself as a low priority - of course my ex would - why not?  If I didn't give a shit why should he?  


I read an article in a magazine today by Olivia Wilde - the hot chick from House - who talked about wearing high heeled booties because they made her feel powerful.  Her point was that women dress up, fix their hair, etc - not for men - but because of how it makes them feel about themselves.  So I'm guessing the worn out khaki's, baggy jeans and dumpy shirts I used to wear pretty much told how I felt about myself.  


So late yesterday afternoon I went out for some retail therapy and pretty much bought all new clothes to wear on my cruise.  I've never felt so indulgent in my life - especially considering that they will be too big for me next season because I AM going to be in a smaller size!  I was very particular about making sure I got flattering colors, good fits and no "old" lady looking stuff.  My main criteria in the past has been is it comfortable and can it be washed?  I know it's a cliche' - but the cliche' starts somewhere - the divorced woman losing weight, buying new clothes, getting a haircut - but now I know why.  It's not to "catch" a new man - it's because she is ridding herself of her old unhappy life and moving on. Moving on to confidence, to happiness, to freedom.  Most importantly - moving on to love herself.


And I bought some pretty panties!

Amazing How Just the Thought of Sex Energizes You!

So I totally woke up in a great mood today, completely energized.  Went to the bank and then worked out for an hour.  The guy at the gym talked to me the whole time - thank God because my stupid Ipod wasn't charged - and it was really fun.  Don't get me wrong - he's younger, married, has young kids - but I'm more open to talking to people in general and just seeing where that leads.  (as in - maybe the guy has a cute uncle or something - would never fool around with a married man)  


I believe this new found energy comes from just the thought that I COULD have had sex, that someone worth wanting was interested and there is the slight possibility of it next week.  Yes, I'm going on a cruise!  Woo hoo!  Of course, since ex left 2 weeks after I paid the non-refundable deposit (dumb ass - ought to get my $200 back from him) I am making my mom come in his place.  The whole purpose of the cruise was for my aunt & uncle's 50th anniversary.  All my Yankee cousins will be there with their families, daughter & her fiance are going and me and my mom.  So I really don't think the old "sock on the door" thing will be happening with my mom - but I do plan to open myself up to talk to people - come out of my comfort zone.  I'm great with people I know, after I've been around them a few days - but I am so bad at just meeting people and coming up with something interesting to say.  So I'm setting a goal of meeting new people and flirting like crazy.


It's also occurred to me that because I've pretty much had a steady boyfriend from the time I could bat my eyes until now - I've never just dated.  I've never just flirted around and gone out with different people.  I have ALWAYS had a steady boyfriend - and pretty much as soon as we'd break up - there'd be another one.  But that was junior high & high school.  It's been a LONG time - and I'm in a small town where everyone I know is either married or a redneck that I wouldn't want to go out with anyway.  So it's very scary to think of where I might meet "datable" guys now.  I guess it's no mystery that most people meet their spouses in college - where else are you thrown together with that many eligible people, with the same interests and a party to go to all the time to meet them?  There is no "grown-up" equivalent of that but the Internet, I guess.  But I'm not ready for that yet - a large part of my issue with conference guy was my body image - and it don't look any better in a picture!  


One of the reasons I could just kick myself for not having sex with him is that he KNEW I didn't have breasts.  That is not really a conversation you want to have with someone AFTER you got hot and heavy - but it's kind of hard to get to it before then.  I guess I could walk up to random cute guys and say, "Just so you know - I had breast cancer & a double mastectomy.  So if my fat body turns you on - know that you've got that to look forward to"  Yeah - definitely body issues here!  The workouts will help and the other thing my new sex happiness has brought is not much of an appetite - so that's kind of nice that they're working together!  But the boobs - too bad I'm not a starfish and could just spontaneously re-grow them!